Once, the competitive writer only lost sleep, hair and nails over how many books she had sold. Now, damn the e-commerce sites, a book can be bought even before it’s published. Through that dreaded process referred to as the pre-order. Which unleashes a whole new range of emotions.
Onset of severe monomania
This is saying something because authors are, in any case, monomaniacal creatures. The moment India lost the match on Thursday, a world-renowned author called his editor and said, “Now that that’s over, you can finish editing my book over the weekend.” But this pre-order business takes matters above and beyond the usual. The ranking scheme on Amazon – the logic of which even the greatest number-crunching code-breaking genius has not been able to figure out (is it daily? hourly? cumulative?) – will drive you to dizzy lows. You will be glued to the machine; you will keep refreshing the page; the more the results baffle you and break your heart, the more you will keep refreshing the page and dancing your eyeballs until your hands are ready to fall off.
Facebook fixation
Where else will you find people in real virtual time to badger? The idea is if you convince them while they are online, there is always the off chance they will end up pre-ordering the book, then and there, through two clicks, since the point-of-sale is tantalizingly close to the point-of-badgering.
The hard truth
Accomplishing No. 2 is rarer than a yeti sighting. You think you will tell your friends and relatives on Facebook and, since it’s so cheap, they’ll go straight out and click twice. No, not really, not by a long shot. Lots on that list don’t read. Lots would spend the money on coffee/parking/a set of hair clips. Those who do read aren’t into this pre-order business. It’s not like books are a limited edition bag or video game or cheese that the store’ll be out of it in five minutes.
The few people who are likely to preorder (of their own accord, not because you are holding a gun to their head), may, however, (a) get put off by your stalking (b) get put off by your neediness (c) get put off that you did not stalk them to buy – it’s almost as though you didn’t care for their opinion – or (d) that you don’t seem to really need the pre-order. So get ready to master the fine art of badgerment – it is a delicate dance, and it is often known to end badly.
Invention of perceived trends
More people are online in the evening; tweet for forty minutes straight and then share the pre-order link, people will bite; badger those on Facebook from their computers because they are more likely to buy; rubbish, badger people on their phones because the apps are downloaded onto their phones and it’s the apps which are easier to use; happy people are more likely to buy than unhappy people so read their profiles between the lines. It will drive you batty – and what’s more, the rule that seems gold one day does not hold the next.
Return of former addictions
Whether smoking, pot, exercise or nutella, your former addictions will kick in. I hope, for your sake, that the addiction you’ve had to battle in the past is exercise. (The next point will explain why.)
Acute jealousy
As you navigate pre-ordering, you will find out, once and for all, which authors that sell the most. Several of them are young and good-looking. (You see what I meant before about exercising? Six-pack abs are exactly what you need to plot your novels well. See, your high school English teacher never told you that – she’d kept insisting the more you read, the better you wrote.) The others who sell a lot of copies have MBA degrees; so you may as well, for good measure, take the CAT exam. Of course, the list of top 100 bestselling books – you will achieve a PhD in this list shortly – will also hold several surprises. I mean, what the hell is the deal with Mein Kampf? Do people really keep ordering it online or is it the ghost of Hitler?
Surreal conversations #1
This one is an ex-flame. It’s 2 in the morning.
‘Hello,’ he pings you.
‘Hello,’ you say. (You would not have responded but for the monomania. Target acquired. Zone in. Convert.)
‘I was about to type, “Do you remember me?” but you answered,’ he says.
‘Well, I do,’ you say shortly.
‘Have you heard my song?’ he says. ‘Here’s the youtube link. Take a look. I think you will like it.’
‘I will,’ you say, ‘if you pre-order my book. Here’s the link.’
‘But you can watch the video for free,’ he says.
The end.
Surreal conversations #2
You: … (After 50 minutes of blathering) so now you see the point of the book, and you understand why it is so important you pre-order. You will get the book a day before it is available in stores. You will get a signed copy. Will you do it now? Please? Pretty please with sugar on it?
Stalkee: I mean, okay. But I am not sure it is safe to divulge credit card numbers online. You know? I am paranoid about credit card frauds. It’s my pet peeve.
You: I understand, I understand. But there’s cash on delivery.
Stalkee: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow I’ll order. Definitely.
(You know it’s now or never.)
You: Why don’t you order the book just now – and I will gift you two books. Wait, three. Oh, well, what the heck, four! I’ll courier them to you. But just pre-order it now. And maybe you can share that on social media? Hello. Hello???
Surreal conversations #3
You: ‘No, Mummy, you are not trying hard enough. Just get your friends to preorder. And the relatives. They’ve been eating your free food for decades. Least they can do. C’mon!’
Mummy: I’d told you then only that you should have written that other book. Would have had more mass appeal. But, no, you never listen to me.
Surprises
And finally, the good news. The fun part of this agonising process is that you’ll find there are a few people in the universe, who have read you in the past, and who actually pre-order the book long before you’ve said a word to them. You’ll find old school and college friends who you thought hated your guts write to you, saying they are waiting excitedly for the book. Your mother and your brother finally use this opportunity to de-clutter their friends’ list. (Yay! Was long overdue.) And your nephew and nieces badger their friends’ parents to pre-order your book, right now already.
It’s plenty to live on and write another day.
What to do? Not everyone can have six-pack abs, after all.
Devapriya Roy’s new book, The Heat and Dust Project, co-written with husband Saurav Jha, is due on May 15. It is the story of an eccentric journey across India, on a very very tight budget. And yes, ever since the book’s been up for pre-order, Roy’s nutella consumption has gone up five times.
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Onset of severe monomania
This is saying something because authors are, in any case, monomaniacal creatures. The moment India lost the match on Thursday, a world-renowned author called his editor and said, “Now that that’s over, you can finish editing my book over the weekend.” But this pre-order business takes matters above and beyond the usual. The ranking scheme on Amazon – the logic of which even the greatest number-crunching code-breaking genius has not been able to figure out (is it daily? hourly? cumulative?) – will drive you to dizzy lows. You will be glued to the machine; you will keep refreshing the page; the more the results baffle you and break your heart, the more you will keep refreshing the page and dancing your eyeballs until your hands are ready to fall off.
Facebook fixation
Where else will you find people in real virtual time to badger? The idea is if you convince them while they are online, there is always the off chance they will end up pre-ordering the book, then and there, through two clicks, since the point-of-sale is tantalizingly close to the point-of-badgering.
The hard truth
Accomplishing No. 2 is rarer than a yeti sighting. You think you will tell your friends and relatives on Facebook and, since it’s so cheap, they’ll go straight out and click twice. No, not really, not by a long shot. Lots on that list don’t read. Lots would spend the money on coffee/parking/a set of hair clips. Those who do read aren’t into this pre-order business. It’s not like books are a limited edition bag or video game or cheese that the store’ll be out of it in five minutes.
The few people who are likely to preorder (of their own accord, not because you are holding a gun to their head), may, however, (a) get put off by your stalking (b) get put off by your neediness (c) get put off that you did not stalk them to buy – it’s almost as though you didn’t care for their opinion – or (d) that you don’t seem to really need the pre-order. So get ready to master the fine art of badgerment – it is a delicate dance, and it is often known to end badly.
Invention of perceived trends
More people are online in the evening; tweet for forty minutes straight and then share the pre-order link, people will bite; badger those on Facebook from their computers because they are more likely to buy; rubbish, badger people on their phones because the apps are downloaded onto their phones and it’s the apps which are easier to use; happy people are more likely to buy than unhappy people so read their profiles between the lines. It will drive you batty – and what’s more, the rule that seems gold one day does not hold the next.
Return of former addictions
Whether smoking, pot, exercise or nutella, your former addictions will kick in. I hope, for your sake, that the addiction you’ve had to battle in the past is exercise. (The next point will explain why.)
Acute jealousy
As you navigate pre-ordering, you will find out, once and for all, which authors that sell the most. Several of them are young and good-looking. (You see what I meant before about exercising? Six-pack abs are exactly what you need to plot your novels well. See, your high school English teacher never told you that – she’d kept insisting the more you read, the better you wrote.) The others who sell a lot of copies have MBA degrees; so you may as well, for good measure, take the CAT exam. Of course, the list of top 100 bestselling books – you will achieve a PhD in this list shortly – will also hold several surprises. I mean, what the hell is the deal with Mein Kampf? Do people really keep ordering it online or is it the ghost of Hitler?
Surreal conversations #1
This one is an ex-flame. It’s 2 in the morning.
‘Hello,’ he pings you.
‘Hello,’ you say. (You would not have responded but for the monomania. Target acquired. Zone in. Convert.)
‘I was about to type, “Do you remember me?” but you answered,’ he says.
‘Well, I do,’ you say shortly.
‘Have you heard my song?’ he says. ‘Here’s the youtube link. Take a look. I think you will like it.’
‘I will,’ you say, ‘if you pre-order my book. Here’s the link.’
‘But you can watch the video for free,’ he says.
The end.
Surreal conversations #2
You: … (After 50 minutes of blathering) so now you see the point of the book, and you understand why it is so important you pre-order. You will get the book a day before it is available in stores. You will get a signed copy. Will you do it now? Please? Pretty please with sugar on it?
Stalkee: I mean, okay. But I am not sure it is safe to divulge credit card numbers online. You know? I am paranoid about credit card frauds. It’s my pet peeve.
You: I understand, I understand. But there’s cash on delivery.
Stalkee: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow I’ll order. Definitely.
(You know it’s now or never.)
You: Why don’t you order the book just now – and I will gift you two books. Wait, three. Oh, well, what the heck, four! I’ll courier them to you. But just pre-order it now. And maybe you can share that on social media? Hello. Hello???
Surreal conversations #3
You: ‘No, Mummy, you are not trying hard enough. Just get your friends to preorder. And the relatives. They’ve been eating your free food for decades. Least they can do. C’mon!’
Mummy: I’d told you then only that you should have written that other book. Would have had more mass appeal. But, no, you never listen to me.
Surprises
And finally, the good news. The fun part of this agonising process is that you’ll find there are a few people in the universe, who have read you in the past, and who actually pre-order the book long before you’ve said a word to them. You’ll find old school and college friends who you thought hated your guts write to you, saying they are waiting excitedly for the book. Your mother and your brother finally use this opportunity to de-clutter their friends’ list. (Yay! Was long overdue.) And your nephew and nieces badger their friends’ parents to pre-order your book, right now already.
It’s plenty to live on and write another day.
What to do? Not everyone can have six-pack abs, after all.
Devapriya Roy’s new book, The Heat and Dust Project, co-written with husband Saurav Jha, is due on May 15. It is the story of an eccentric journey across India, on a very very tight budget. And yes, ever since the book’s been up for pre-order, Roy’s nutella consumption has gone up five times.