I have been following the Pakistan cricket team ever since I can remember. After the stinging loss against India in the 1996 World Cup quarterfinals, I felt a personal duty to rectify the wrong. That defeat did not dishearten me. No, it reinvigorated my love for the game. Throughout my youth I would pretend I am Aamir Sohail and point to the bowler where I was going to hit him next – a strategy that worked because I was only good playing shots on the leg side, so regardless of the bravado, I was going to try and hit the ball there. Pointing it to the bowler only added to the mind games.

The 1999 World Cup is what I classify as my world cup. I was old enough to be a proper fan. I knew every single player of every single team. Before the days of fantasy leagues, I would replicate every match in my own garage by playing against myself. Whoever I was pretending to be while bowling or batting would be adjudged the winner. Obviously, I cheated every time Pakistan was competing.

For my personal narrative it was needed that the Pakistani team performed extraordinarily during the 1999 cup. I vividly remember Moin Khan getting down on his knees and sweeping Glenn McGrath outside the Leeds ground and Shoaib Akhtar knocking over Steve Waugh’s wicket during the Pakistan versus Australia group match. But our performance in the final shattered the heart of a 10-year-old me. Once again, however, I took it upon myself to rectify history.

I found “International Cricket Captain”, a cricket simulation game. There is no competition in the world that I have not made Pakistan win on that game and its subsequent versions. So much so that in 2003 I knew the venues of every single game featuring Pakistan. I had every single permutation worked out on how Pakistan could win the cup.

We had a team that was the world’s envy. My childhood hero, Waqar Younis, was captain. Nothing could go wrong. It is a poor punch line then to that set up that all I remember from that World Cup is Sachin Tendulkar hitting Shoaib Akhtar for six over third man.

Thankfully, we did not even get a chance to play against India in 2007. The less said about our performance in that edition, the better.

The cynical phase begins

In 2011, we did not go in as favourites. Our performances in the last two World Cups and the spot-fixing scandal ensured the expectations were low. By then I was not a starry-eyed youngster. Like most Pakistani fans, I too had become cynical of our team’s chances. I was not backing Pakistan to win the World Cup.

Lo and behold, we punched above our weight, and we punched hard. We made it all the way to the semi-final on the back of strong performances. If anything, we went into that match against India as favourites. The stage was set to finally beat India in a World Cup. I watched the match with a thousand people at a screening. It just had to finally happen.

But it did not.

After suffering so many heartbreaks, there was no way I was going to back the Pakistan cricket team during the 2015 edition, but something strange started happening a few days before the match. Despite all my cricketing knowledge telling me India was the better team – they were acclimatised to Australia and we were hit by numerous injuries – I was convinced we were going to win.

Shane Warne declaring Yasir Shah as the best leg spinner in the world only fuelled my hope. It was the same hope that consumes the entire country during a Pakistan-India match. Irrationally, I was ready to bet everything on Pakistan.

Let the game begin

When it began, all bodily functions and matters of hygiene took backseat. The bladder had to be controlled to make sure no second of the action was missed. Watching Mohammad Irfan and Sohail Khan steaming in, with Rohit Sharma and Shikhar Dhawan cowering, sent my hopes through the roof.

Sohail Khan appealed every decision like an amateur lower court lawyer. Our team was excited, not nervous. We were finally going to get the monkey off our back. We were energetic in the field and Indian batsmen were playing under pressure. Would the underdog tag finally allow Pakistan to sneak a victory over our bigger neighbours?

Sohail Khan surprising Rohit Sharma with the bounce sent me bouncing off my seat. I could feel the electricity in the atmosphere all the way from Adelaide. That was probably the highlight of the match. It was all downhill from there. The moment Yasir Shah dropped an incredibly difficult catch of Kohli, the heads of our team dropped. We allowed the batsmen to settle and score freely.

As India set up for an explosion at the end, despair set in. But the Pakistan cricket team never lets hope die. From the brink of a total disaster the Pakistani bowling held India back to a respectable target. A score that honestly seemed like we would be able to chase down.

Our team went into the dressing rooms with their heads held high. If only Younis Khan could also get his head out of the way of that ball. The two decisions that cost us that match were to not play a specialist keeper and to open with Younis Khan. And yet, the Pakistan team does not let you down easy. Haris Sohail’s form, Ahmad Shahzad’s innings and Misbah’s presence in the middle gave the Pakistani cricket fans moments of optimism – before it all came crashing down.

The only man to come out with any dignity was Misbah-ul-Haq. I wonder if he smells bad. Why does no other player want to spend any time with him in the middle?

What went wrong?

And the Seven Stages of Grief that every Pakistani cricket fan goes through began.

The first was shock and denial. How could we lose three wickets in two overs? What made Shohaib Maqsood play so carelessly outside his off stump on the second delivery he faced? There is no way that our team could have performed that poorly. The team looked so good against England in the warm-up matches, especially Shohaib Maqsood.

Modi called Nawaz Sharif before the match. He must have asked him to ask the cricket team to lose. Maybe our chequered history was back to haunt us. We are in Australia, there must have been foul play. That is it, the match was fixed. We agreed to lose the match for diplomacy. Just as we did in 2011 and 1996.

There is a worldwide conspiracy against us. They did not give Sachin Tendulkar out on review in 2011 and gave Umar Akmal out upon review in 2015. They also banned Saeed Ajmal before the World Cup. Zaid Hamid was right, there is a Yahoodi Saazish!

Then came pain and guilt. It was my fault, I jinxed it by believing that we will win. Nazar laga dee team ko.

Followed by anger and bargaining. Why couldn’t Ahmad Shahzad just stay at the crease for a little longer? There was no need for that shot. Even at the end with seven wickets gone, the required run rate was achievable if only we had some recognised batsmen at the crease. If we had picked Fawad Alam in the squad, we would not have thrown away his wicket so cheaply.

Well at least we got the match out of the way. Now we can focus on the rest of the World Cup. We did not need to beat India to go through to the next round. We can still win the World Cup.

Depression, loneliness and reflection. We had Waqar Younis, Wasim Akram, Shoaib Akhtar, Mushtaq Ahmad and Saqlain Mushtaq playing in the same squad. Teams go through peaks and bottoms.

At least I can watch videos of all those players to cheer myself up. I have the 1992 World Cup final memorised already... Oh why, oh why did Imran Khan not go to Australia as our coach? We could have promised him the prime ministership had we won us this world cup.

The upward turn. Wait a minute, we lost our initial matches in the 1992 World Cup also. We went into that World Cup as the underdogs as well. Misbah can be our Imran Khan. This is good. We have already hit rock bottom and from now on it will be all upwards. We will peak at the right time during this World Cup and end up winning it.

Acceptance and Hope. 2019 Main Phodengey Yaar.