Are you a writer? And also incurably thick to boot? Have you felt like I have at different times that you haven’t got enough mileage out of your moronhood?
Well, stop wasting your time! Ditch that nitwit novel you’ve been struggling with. Abandon those stupefying short stories ASAP. Forget publishing. Fame and fortune await you elsewhere.
Here are select script summaries, baselines, copy, tag likes, jingle lyrics, and brand names of some recent ads that prove beyond doubt the world of advertising is where you belong.
Let’s start with that veritable El Dorado of idiocy, the deospray segment. I could write an entire piece on it but that’s for later. Here’s the opening stanza of the jingle for a deospray that had me in such thrall, I forget its name. It goes:
Once upon a wonder
Struck by a thunder...
That’s it. Right there. A bunch of words strung together with no concern whatsoever for grammar, syntax, logic or sense, why? Because the last words rhyme. Won’t that do?
So moved by the lines of this anonymous present-day Auden was I that I lay awake all night, thinking. What follows? What comes next? Then, just like that, with utter clarity, the only lines the poet could have possibly written appeared in my head.
Know a bloke named Sundar,
Who uses it down under.
Moving on, have any of you seen the TV ad for Himalayan Water?
If you have, and are considering beating the creative mind behind it repeatedly on his/her head with the advertising black book, may I come along too, to add a couple of knuckle sandwiches to the dharmadi (the ritual beating administered at south-Indian street corners to restore moral order)?
Because what it features is this adorable child trekking across rugged terrain, riding a yak and doing god knows what else – barefoot, mind you – all concentration, just so she can bring a pure mouthful of Himalayan Water lovingly collected in a flower, without spilling a drop, to be drunk by this tired-ish looking young woman in a glass-and-steel-skyscraper office (in the midst of designing very important shopping apps, no doubt) to instantly refresh and transport her onto pristine Himalayan slopes, hair flying and all!
What about the Kohler bathroom potty guys? Have you seen their new ad? For Kohler’s (drum roll) Intelligent Toilet! Seriously. I’m not making this up.
I wonder how the client meeting for that one went.
Client: You know, all these other potties in the market ... I think they are plain stupid.
Creative Director: That’s it! By Jove, let’s make India’s first intelligent potty!
Applause.
So what’s this magic invention supposed to do? Would the consumer (or downloader, if you will) be wrong to assume that if you use it every day, your waste matter gradually shows signs of elevated intellect, passes the IIT-JEE, gets a high-paying job as CEO of an MNC and gives it all up to become a bestselling writer?
And if it doesn’t, can you sue Kohler like the guy who sued Malayalam superstar Mammooty for a soap he endorsed which didn’t ‘bring beauty charging towards him’ as promised?
And how can we forget those car ads.
Hyundai first. They’ve been advertising their new SUV – the Creta.
See, if I were you, I wouldn’t buy it. I don’t think it would have too much resale value. I don’t see too many people paying for someone’s ex-Creta. Unless, of course, it passed through Kohler’s Intelligent Toilet first.
And the biggie. The Mercedes ad says The Best or Nothing. Has been saying it for a few years, I think. While the Jockey ad, yes, the underwear brand, says Jockey or Nothing.
So I went and bought Jockey. Because their ad was clearer.
But my altruistic nature didn’t allow me stop there. It made me send a bunch of baseline options to the guys at Mercedes – absolutely free.
1. Jockey is Best.
2. Mercedes is Nothing.
3. Wear Jockey. Drive Nothing.
Obviously, I did the same with the Jockey guys, too.
Jockey: The brand recommended by Mercedes.
Finally, I don’t know how many of you have seen this print ad but it’s been haunting me. It’s got a debonair sixty-something-man sporting what is supposed to be a mischievous expression on his face. The headline in the form of a speech bubble says Aati kya Khandala?
And the product being advertised is an adult diaper. I’m sure you can forgive me for not remembering the name of brand because every time I see the ad I have trouble remembering my own name.
What is the funda behind the headline? I’ve come up with a bunch of scenarios. Am I even close?
1. That the said gentleman is guaranteeing us, in the event of accompanying him to Khandala, there’ll be no stops on the ghat section.
2. That his incontinence hasn’t come in the way of his being a pervert.
3. That they originally planned the ad with Aamir Khan but didn’t have the budget.
4. That this is actually a plea – as in ‘Help, please take me to Khandala!’ – because his neighbourhood shop is out of stock and super-stockist is based in Khandala.
5. That “Aati kya Khandala” is actually a coded phrase meant to awaken senior sleeper cells everywhere into putting into action their plan of annihilating ingrate NRI offspring who have abandoned them.
6. That the atmospheric conditions in the hill station are the ones best suited to get optimum benefits from the diaper.
7. And in the event of these ads being adapted for the south-Indian market would the headline read ‘Vastaava Horseley Hills? (Andhra) and ‘Variyaa Mahabalipuram?’ (TN)?
I rest my case with the names of two actual well-known south Indian underwear brands: Dixcy and Poomex.
Someone is getting paid for coming up with this stuff. Hurry. Apply now.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is the writer of two novels and a play. His new book, How To Be A Literary Sensation: A Quick Guide to Exploiting Friends, Family & Facebook for Financial Gain will be out in November 2015.
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letters@scroll.in.
Well, stop wasting your time! Ditch that nitwit novel you’ve been struggling with. Abandon those stupefying short stories ASAP. Forget publishing. Fame and fortune await you elsewhere.
Here are select script summaries, baselines, copy, tag likes, jingle lyrics, and brand names of some recent ads that prove beyond doubt the world of advertising is where you belong.
Let’s start with that veritable El Dorado of idiocy, the deospray segment. I could write an entire piece on it but that’s for later. Here’s the opening stanza of the jingle for a deospray that had me in such thrall, I forget its name. It goes:
Once upon a wonder
Struck by a thunder...
That’s it. Right there. A bunch of words strung together with no concern whatsoever for grammar, syntax, logic or sense, why? Because the last words rhyme. Won’t that do?
So moved by the lines of this anonymous present-day Auden was I that I lay awake all night, thinking. What follows? What comes next? Then, just like that, with utter clarity, the only lines the poet could have possibly written appeared in my head.
Know a bloke named Sundar,
Who uses it down under.
Moving on, have any of you seen the TV ad for Himalayan Water?
If you have, and are considering beating the creative mind behind it repeatedly on his/her head with the advertising black book, may I come along too, to add a couple of knuckle sandwiches to the dharmadi (the ritual beating administered at south-Indian street corners to restore moral order)?
Because what it features is this adorable child trekking across rugged terrain, riding a yak and doing god knows what else – barefoot, mind you – all concentration, just so she can bring a pure mouthful of Himalayan Water lovingly collected in a flower, without spilling a drop, to be drunk by this tired-ish looking young woman in a glass-and-steel-skyscraper office (in the midst of designing very important shopping apps, no doubt) to instantly refresh and transport her onto pristine Himalayan slopes, hair flying and all!
What about the Kohler bathroom potty guys? Have you seen their new ad? For Kohler’s (drum roll) Intelligent Toilet! Seriously. I’m not making this up.
I wonder how the client meeting for that one went.
Client: You know, all these other potties in the market ... I think they are plain stupid.
Creative Director: That’s it! By Jove, let’s make India’s first intelligent potty!
Applause.
So what’s this magic invention supposed to do? Would the consumer (or downloader, if you will) be wrong to assume that if you use it every day, your waste matter gradually shows signs of elevated intellect, passes the IIT-JEE, gets a high-paying job as CEO of an MNC and gives it all up to become a bestselling writer?
And if it doesn’t, can you sue Kohler like the guy who sued Malayalam superstar Mammooty for a soap he endorsed which didn’t ‘bring beauty charging towards him’ as promised?
And how can we forget those car ads.
Hyundai first. They’ve been advertising their new SUV – the Creta.
See, if I were you, I wouldn’t buy it. I don’t think it would have too much resale value. I don’t see too many people paying for someone’s ex-Creta. Unless, of course, it passed through Kohler’s Intelligent Toilet first.
And the biggie. The Mercedes ad says The Best or Nothing. Has been saying it for a few years, I think. While the Jockey ad, yes, the underwear brand, says Jockey or Nothing.
So I went and bought Jockey. Because their ad was clearer.
But my altruistic nature didn’t allow me stop there. It made me send a bunch of baseline options to the guys at Mercedes – absolutely free.
1. Jockey is Best.
2. Mercedes is Nothing.
3. Wear Jockey. Drive Nothing.
Obviously, I did the same with the Jockey guys, too.
Jockey: The brand recommended by Mercedes.
Finally, I don’t know how many of you have seen this print ad but it’s been haunting me. It’s got a debonair sixty-something-man sporting what is supposed to be a mischievous expression on his face. The headline in the form of a speech bubble says Aati kya Khandala?
And the product being advertised is an adult diaper. I’m sure you can forgive me for not remembering the name of brand because every time I see the ad I have trouble remembering my own name.
What is the funda behind the headline? I’ve come up with a bunch of scenarios. Am I even close?
1. That the said gentleman is guaranteeing us, in the event of accompanying him to Khandala, there’ll be no stops on the ghat section.
2. That his incontinence hasn’t come in the way of his being a pervert.
3. That they originally planned the ad with Aamir Khan but didn’t have the budget.
4. That this is actually a plea – as in ‘Help, please take me to Khandala!’ – because his neighbourhood shop is out of stock and super-stockist is based in Khandala.
5. That “Aati kya Khandala” is actually a coded phrase meant to awaken senior sleeper cells everywhere into putting into action their plan of annihilating ingrate NRI offspring who have abandoned them.
6. That the atmospheric conditions in the hill station are the ones best suited to get optimum benefits from the diaper.
7. And in the event of these ads being adapted for the south-Indian market would the headline read ‘Vastaava Horseley Hills? (Andhra) and ‘Variyaa Mahabalipuram?’ (TN)?
I rest my case with the names of two actual well-known south Indian underwear brands: Dixcy and Poomex.
Someone is getting paid for coming up with this stuff. Hurry. Apply now.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is the writer of two novels and a play. His new book, How To Be A Literary Sensation: A Quick Guide to Exploiting Friends, Family & Facebook for Financial Gain will be out in November 2015.
