Satire Shot

FAQ: A ready reckoner on how to take care of India's traitors

Only because the police and the courts are busy does not mean that traitors should be allowed to go scot-free.

Because the police and the courts are often busy, lynch mobs have become increasingly popular. Traitors cannot be allowed to go scot-free. Here are easy-to-follow instructions and answers to frequently asked questions on how to form a lynch mob.

Do I have to wear orange?
Not necessarily. In 1984, in New Delhi, most people were wearing white. However, times change. Today, orange is the new white, so you should probably wear orange. If the colour does not suit your complexion, at least tie a strip around your head.

Should I rehearse my abuses, or can I go with the flow?
Ideally you should rehearse. Use references. Your model is Sunny Deol abusing Pakistanis in the motion picture Gadar.

How long should the lynching go on for?
There are two major news cycles – morning and evening. If you ensure that your event goes on throughout the day, you can be featured in both. If the police are adequately co-operative, you could start around 11am with some slogan shouting and finish by around 6pm with some minor assault, in which case you will be able to get home in time to see yourself on TV. In order to get best coverage, beat up some media people. Threaten some women if you can, because patriots do this.

Beating up the media sounds wrong. Shouldn’t I be wooing them?
Not the ones who are anti-national Porkistani sluts. Arnab is different. Have a drink with Arnab. Help him jump to a conclusion. The demands of the 24-hour news cycle are intense. Conclusions have to be jumped to. If he shouts while at the restaurant, don’t interrupt. Even if the veins stand out in his forehead, don’t worry. Usually they have a medical team on standby. Tell him lots of people agree with your views. He will help you. He wants lots of people to watch his channel.

What if my blood is not boiling enough?
Think about Arundhati Roy.

Do I need to get my mob members verified by the police?
This is smart thinking on your part. You definitely need to do this. You need to identify your followers to the police and ask them a crucial question. If your followers commit a crime, will they arrest them or not? The police have a list. After consulting this list, they will tell you whether your followers are OK. If so, you can proceed.

Should I be smashing cameras?
Definitely not. This is an elementary mistake that many first time lynchers make. If no one knows about your contribution to the nation, what is the point in contributing? Proper recognition is your due, and can lead to good things in the future. Rather than smashing cameras, you should try to figure out your best angles. Take selfies while pretending to beat someone up. It’s not as easy as you’d think.

Should I have any preference regarding venue?
Somewhere scenic is always nice, because then you and the family can have a little picnic afterwards. If this is not feasible, you should conduct it in a place the Supreme Court has specifically told you not to enter, because nothing is more nationalistic than disobeying the Supreme Court.

What if the Supreme Court gets mad at me?
It would be wrong of me to try to gauge the minds of the honourable justices. You could look at what happened to the last 67 people they were mad at, or expressed unhappiness with. That could provide a clue.

How will I know if I’ve won?
If the only action taken at the end of a fun day full of good activity is that the victim of the lynching is sent into judicial custody, and no one else is arrested, bothered, or disturbed in any way, you can count this as a win.

Is there any preference regarding footwear?
Strong and heavy is good. Or something pointy. Make sure you polish them before you go out. Remember, your footwear will be seen on national TV, next to the faces of traitors. For maximum effect, spend a little money and go for the jackboots, which are also great for marching in. They look sharp, and they’re part of the uniform.

Shovon Chowdhury’s new novel, Murder With Bengali Characters, is set in a Calcutta occupied by China.

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