When a celebrity has passed away, have you found yourself grieving and yet wondered what evoked such a strong emotion of loss for you?
This is a question I’m asked very often by clients in therapy and by journalists. While it’s hard to say if everyone is impacted by them, it is true that many of us are affected thus. This becomes attenuated if the death is untimely and due to unfortunate circumstances or accidents.
Clients often talk about celebrity deaths in therapy sessions. My sense is that these deaths remind us of our own mortality and how time is so limited. More so, when the deaths are untimely, the idea of uncertainty and unpredictability of life also emerges. It’s also very common for clients, who struggle with clinical depression and suicidal thoughts, to experience an increased intensity when it comes to their own moods, particularly when there is a celebrity death either because of suicide, under strange circumstances or untimely. They often mention how they feel more depressed and anxious in the light of celebrity deaths. The mention of increased anxiety and panic attacks also goes up in days following celebrity deaths and some clients talk about the fact that they feel an impulse emerging, a desire to end their life, too. This is deeply connected to the fact that we put artistes, popular figures, athletes and actors on a pedestal, and believe that they have everything—maybe even a perfect life.
As Suveer, who is twenty-eight, told me, “Every time a celebrity dies by suicide, I begin to see life as being fragile. I start wondering if people, who seemingly have everything, can take a step like this and feel despair, what happens to people like us, who are struggling when it comes to finances, jobs and even basic needs sometimes? I worry for myself; speculation and news updates make me more pessimistic and helpless. I have learnt to stay off social media and news as I don’t think I can handle the overwhelming sadness that ensues after these deaths.”
Our memories are deeply intertwined with an artiste’s work and very often, their oeuvre has served as a source of motivation and inspiration for us. I remember the morning when news of Robin Williams’ death by suicide broke, I felt shocked and couldn’t stop crying. He was my favourite actor and I associated some of my fondest memories with his movies. I remember texting a friend that day to ask if she had read the news and double check if it was true. I was in disbelief. It just didn’t seem possible that someone who played such beautiful and hopeful roles in Patch Adams and then Good Will Hunting could end his own life. All my experience of working as a therapist didn’t help at that moment; I felt a sharp pain, sorrow and grief.
My career had been deeply influenced by his work and his movie, Good Will Hunting. I was twenty when I first saw the movie and almost twenty years later, I still remember how powerful and inspiring it was for me. I was training to be a therapist at the time, and watching that movie felt like I was coming close to a goal. I almost had a role model in the character Robin Williams played. I remember thinking about him as the perfect psychotherapist and wanted to emulate him. In fact, my first job was on a university campus with college students, and at the same time, I worked as a counsellor for children of sex workers, who struggled with concerns around attachment safety.
When Williams died, I remember thinking of Freud’s theory and how I had developed such a fondness and attachment to not just the roles he played, but also to him. I had cultivated an idea of him in my head based on his movies, and while the news of his death was hard enough, the fact that it was through suicide made it harder. Without realizing it, I had been idolizing him over the years, and I spent all day crying at intervals and reminding myself that it was okay to grieve for an actor, whose work had not just impacted me but also given me hope in my darkest hours. I also silently grieved for the sadness and loneliness he might have felt in those last moments and thought about how much he would have suffered to take this step.
When deaths have happened in a freak accident or some other untimely manner, it brings to fore the question of fairness and unpredictability, which can often be anxiety-provoking. As humans, we like to believe that we have control. Hearing such news can often evoke deep fears and existential questions around the purpose of life, legacy and even a recognition of how our idea of control can be illusory.
Here are some techniques and strategies that can help you, if you find yourself struggling with grief after a celebrity passes away:
Mindfully attend to your own grief: If you have felt grief when a celebrity has passed away, it’s very normal. Allow yourself to mourn and grieve. Let no one tell you that you shouldn’t be doing that or feeling enormous sadness. Even if you haven’t met them in person, because of the time we spend watching an artiste’s work, following their life on social media and finally, the impact they have on us and the inspiration, pleasure and entertainment they provide us, their loss hits us hard.
Engage with their work: As we deal with the loss and make sense of it, one could revisit their work. I often think of it as a way of celebrating their legacy and marking the moment, and acknowledging how they influenced my life. I remember when the singer KK suddenly passed away due to a cardiac arrest, I spent the next few days listening to his music, which was a reminder of my college days, of evenings where I wondered about what life had to offer and sometimes a way for me to hold on to hope. At the same time, some people feel they can’t bear to watch an artiste’s work. If you feel that, too, it’s alright. Take time to sit with the grief and don’t force yourself to see or hear an artiste’s work till you feel emotionally ready.
Limit the consumption of news and stay away from social media: Often, the news around celebrity deaths can lead to harrowing sadness, but also fear and helplessness for some of those struggling with mental health conditions. In fact, as a rule, I often address it in therapy sessions to gauge how the client is impacted by the development. My advice is to choose to consume news in small doses. Avoid looking at videos or messages late into the night as clients often report experiencing dark thoughts and sleeplessness in the aftermath of these deaths. Sometimes, people can find themselves getting lost in conspiracy theories if the deaths are under mysterious circumstances; this can become obsessive and anxiety-provoking. I tell clients to become mindful and learn to have guardrails when it comes to videos of the deceased.
Find time to journal and articulate what you are feeling: It’s common for people to talk about how they feel deeply emotional in such moments, and yet they can’t comprehend what is leading to such strong emotional responses. Writing or journalling can help in these moments as it allows us to give words to our feelings. Allow yourself to write uninterrupted, in a free-flowing manner, so that your thoughts and feelings can find their way out.
Community support: It’s okay to call and reach out for support when you find yourself shocked or gutted by the death of your favourite celebrity. I remember a client mentioning how when one actor died rather suddenly, he organised an evening of stories, where everyone who knew the artiste could come and share stories and celebrate the impact his life had on each of them. Seeking community support can help us feel less alone and allow us to find shared rituals that help honour the work of people who inspired us.
Many people find themselves grieving over the loss of youth and potential when a young actor or athlete passes away. The way the media reports it and sensationalises it also adds to the grief and shock. I hope that over the years, we can learn to talk about celebrity deaths in a humane and sensitive way, with dignity.
Excerpted with permission from You Will Be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief, Sonali Gupta, Penguin India.
