This is investigative journalism at its incisive best. goes where no one else dares. Given below are short reviews by unknown humorist Krishna Shastri Devulapalli. Reviews of certain books by some of today’s best-loved, award-winning writers that no one dared publish. Keeping in mind the prohibitive nature of legal fees, and the fact he has found prison life nowhere as glamorous as it’s purported to be, Devulapalli leaves out the names of the writers and books. He is of the opinion our brilliant readers will figure that out by themselves anyway.

1. “For better plot and characterisation, try the telephone directory.”

2. “If you were marooned on a desert island, this is the book you should be carrying. You can use it to wipe your #%& when you run out of the rainwater you’ve collected in a leaf cup.”

3. “Sloppy editing mars an otherwise lousy book.”

4. “If a bunch of monkeys clacked away on typewriters for a hundred years, they wouldn’t be able to come up with this book.”

5. “This book gave me reader’s block.”

6. “I suggest you go buy the Latvian translation of this book immediately. Especially if you don’t know Latvian.”

7. “To all those lamenting that crime writing hasn’t come of age in India, try this book. There’s no way you’ll be able to deny it was an unforgivable crime writing this one.”

8. “If this book came to you by email, it would go to spam.”

9. “One of those books that leaves you craving for more – more effective painkillers, more liberal gun laws, that sort of thing.”

10. “This one is due for a Booker. As in: ‘Book ‘er immediately for literary assault and battery!’”

11. “They say there’s a book inside everyone. In this case, it should have been surgically removed in its early stages and sent to Pathology.”

12. “If you’re putting up your bookshelf on one of those auction sites, my suggestion is you remove this book before you click a pic. It will up the price of the shelf considerably.”

13. “My suggestion to Flipkart and Amazon: think twice before delivering this book. You’ve surely heard of kill the messenger.”

14. “There are better ways to use up a tree. Like make a wooden club and take it to the writer of this book.”

15. “The kind of book I wish I’d written. Because then, I could have burnt the manuscript, put the ashes in an urn and floated it down the Ganga.”

16. “If someone gifts you this book, they probably want you to suffer.”

17. “If the writer works hard, maybe in his third or fourth book, he might make it to pedestrian.”

18. “I, for one, found the copyright page riveting...and the page numbers – bang on!”’

19. “My nominee for this year’s debut fiction award. Pity it’s her sixteenth book.”

20. “I hear the writer has sold the US rights of this book. Might be as good a time as any to apply for the witness protection programme.”

21. “If I’d written this book, I’d have put ‘Anonymous’ on the cover.”

22. “The people on the ‘Acknowledgments’ page of this book should be arrested for aiding and abetting.”

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is the sparingly reviewed author of Iceboys in Bell-Bottoms and Jump Cut, currently being unfriended by several writers on Facebook.