I watched Amish’s trailer for his new book Scion of Ikshvaku (a name that took me three tries to spell correctly) and decided to live blog my reactions. A few things you should know:

- The book is called the first of the Ram Chandra series.
- I assume that much like his earlier books on Shiva, this one focuses on a section of Indian mythology, retold with battle and sexiness.
- I haven’t actually read one of his books.

Now you know exactly as much as I do, let’s begin.

The video opens with a scrolling map and a deep voice.

A “this summer, coming to a theatre near you” voice. “Five thousand, five hundred years ago,” says the Voice.

A spinning coin rises off the map and begins to circle around big letters that spell out “Ayodhya.”


We’re in a.. I want to say forest? Okay, we’re in a forest. Someone’s calling, “Sitaaaaa” and there’s ominous music. Dun dun dun, goes the music.

AAAAH goes a woman’s voice. Sita, I presume.

“But perfection has a price,” says the Voice. There’s a dude with a huge man bun and a very ringlet-y beard. I swear my hair has never looked as nice as his beard. He has a fur-lined arrow holder. I think they’re called sheaths? Okay, a fur lined sheath, which seems a bit silly, because he’s all bare chested, and why would it be hot enough for him to be bare chested and cold enough for his arrows to need fur. I might be missing something here because I don’t know anything about bows and arrows beyond what I’ve seen on The Hunger Games.

Katniss would be really good in this trailer though.

Bearded dude turns towards the scream, and there’s like a whistling sword fighting noise, which again, IF HE HAS A BOW AND ARROW WHY IS THERE A SWORD NOISE? Assuming the sword noise was coming from Sita’s direction, assuming it was Sita who screamed, if Sita had a sword, the noise would be a clanging one, and there’s only a whistle-y sword noise when you’re planning to behead someone.

Spoiler alert! Sita is totally beheaded. I have now ruined the book for everyone.

Beard Dude has Native American war paint on his face and is really working a kick-ass smokey eye. So far, he has better style than me.

Ooh, different dude! This one has long, ironed hair and is also shirtless, clasping the hand of a lady in a white kurta, whose hair rivals his.

Back to forest and Beard Dude. View from above. Music gets pacy.

“This. Is. His. Story,” says the Voice, as Beard Dude breaks into a run. He has all sorts of accessories, now that I’ve paused and I’m looking closer. Something that looks like an SLR carrier on one hip. A bow in his hand. Aforementioned fur lined arrow sheath bouncing around on his (chiseled) back.

Everyone is very muscle-y, in case I haven’t mentioned earlier. And shirtless.

Cut to: helmet horns! Ominous storm clouds in the distance, a cut-and-paste CGI army gathers. No sign of a forest. I’m not sure if this is a completely different land from the previous one, but this one looks a bit like Ladakh. Except brown. And with cracks in the earth, so you know it’s very Dry and Serious.

Man boob alert! This torso is wearing enough gold to put all our grandmothers to shame. Serious man boobage though.

Man boob grabs his pendant.

And we cut to a soldier running with his mouth open in a yell, hair bouncing in the wind under his gold helmet, brandishing what looks like a garden trowel.

Another soldier standing waiting for him, holding a spear and a shield, his mouth also open. More ironed hair. This lot is wearing shirts though. Actually, more like metal vest things.

The army from another angle, holding banners that have the sun and a tiger. Is this the Shiv Sena? Artistic dust in front of them.

A ball of fire goes over a guy’s head. I think this is a main guy, because his gold helmet has a sun on it with the rays coming out from behind his head. He’s clocking the meteor.

Meteor lands in front of the CGI army and there’s more artistic dust.

Ooh, it bounced! Do meteors bounced? Maybe it’s a whatchamacallit, a fire ball from one of those cannon things. I still didn’t realized they bounced though. I wonder what material it’s made of.

A shirtless guy, but none of the ones I’ve seen before, swings a really large scimitar through the air. He has his back against a low rocky cliff on top of which is a fort, which strikes me as strange architecture, because all the forts I’ve seen have been high up, so you can’t really stand two feet under the base.

Sun Helmet guy stretches out his arms. “I’m the king of the world!” he says. (Not really.)  CGI army has multiplied and is advancing towards him.

Oh, my mistake. Is not CGI army, is billions of…  mosquitoes?

The mosquitoes are arrows! And they’re all falling from the sky!

Some guy’s Bata sandals come into focus. He’s wearing a rather nice lungi-skirt with sequins along the border. He drops his sword dramatically.

The Voice is back! “From the bestselling author of the Shiva trilogy,” he intones.

Through the artistic dust, a guy clinging on to a horse’s mane. Learn to ride before you battle, yo! (This also holds true for Delhi drivers.)

And now, so you know this is real battle, and real hardcore is a skull with a sword in it. I have a few questions: if the skull is old enough for all the flesh to fall off, why does the sword still look new and shiny? If the new and shiny sword was put through an already existing skull, isn’t that just a waste of a sword? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY DO YOU HAVE MONEY TO BURN? Hmph.

Good looking skull. Still has all its teeth. No orthodontia, obviously. I had to have four teeth extracted to have my braces put on right.

Another bearded dude, but not our original beard dude, releases an arrow with a “swish” sound and suddenly I realize it’s probably the same sound from before, so no beheaded Sita. I apologise for my too-soon spoiler.

Ok, wow, the arrow released and suddenly there’s a firecracker in the sky? Only it’s all green smoke, one of those awful Chinese ones which make you breathe in all the toxins and you’re coughing up green spooge for ages afterward.

In the green, the army ducks. They probably don’t want to cough up the green stuff anymore than I do.

Um, is that a helicopter propeller on a roof? I’m hoping this will all make sense in the movie book.

Oh yay, back to original Beard Dude! He’s still scampering through the forest.

One jump with both feet over a tree trunk. Beard Dude was obviously great at the obstacle course in inter-school sports competitions.

His dhoti is white with a saffron scarf for a belt. He also has great abs.

A close up of his beautiful beard ringlets as he reaches for a scrap of cloth on a twig.

He rips the cloth off the twig and keeps running. Not very Five Find Outers and Dog of you, Mr Beard Dude! Did you learn nothing about keeping clues in envelopes?

Bata sandals thump the forest floor.

Oh no, his wrist thread fell off. The music makes a clunky noise, although if a thread falls in the forest and no one hears it, would it make a difference to this storyline?

The Voice is back, “Comes” he says. I forgot for a second what his previous word was and have to go back. Oh yes, bestselling author. Carry on, Voice. “Literary blockbuster of 2015,” he says.

Now there are a woman’s juttis. Spunky girl spins a stick around, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles style. Her ironed hair flies around too. God, I love everyone’s hair in this thing.

She’s not very good at the stick spinning though. She keeps having to switch hands, which is not the way you do that, I say knowledgeably. Also as she spins, one wrist is at an awkward angle and if someone was to disarm her, she’d break it. I think a lot about these things. It’s my biggest fear about buying pepper spray.

Hair spin, stick twirl.

Stick Girl is going head-to-head with a guy with a knife. She easily disarms him (off-camera) and we see her hit the back of his legs. He goes flying backwards. Oh sorry, he’s still holding his knife. So she wasn’t able to disarm him but was able to push him back with Matrix-style force? STAGING.

Lots of people standing around watching and not offering to help. That’s how you know we’re in India.

Back to Beard Dude, still running through the forest. OMG, Beard Dude! Pace yourself!

Beard Dude splashes in a puddle.

Beard Dude peers coyly past a tree trunk.

Run Beard Dude run.

Beard Dude holds his loaded bow at such an angle that if he tripped right now he’d shoot himself in the foot.

Propeller explained! The little building with a propeller on it is now in the air. It’s like a little medieval helicopter. Actually, more like a drone.

Beard Dude is aiming for it.

Aiming for it...

Aiming for it…

And cut to the cover of the book! Not that easy, suckas! But Illustrated Beard Dude is on the cover at the same angle.

“Scion,” says the Voice, “Of Ikshvaku.” Ahhh, so that’s how you pronounce it.

Quick surprise cut of Beard Dude’s arrow which he has released zooming towards the camera.

“Coming. Soon,” says the Voice, and we’re done.

I’ve got to say: this all looks terribly exciting. I’m totally (probably) going to get myself a copy, if only to see what happens to Beard Dude and Stick Girl.