Dear sisters and brothers,
A very happy 72nd Independence Day to you. We Indians are privileged to be guided at this crucial moment in our history by the greatest leader our nation has produced, Sri Narendra Modi. Not only has UNESCO declared Modiji the best prime minister in the world, it has also, under his aegis, bestowed similar accolades on our national anthem, our national flag, and our national bird, as you have perhaps been informed through forwarded messages on WhatsApp. Even as our nation is poised for a great leap forward, I urge you to unite in seeking for our captain the many honours denied to him, among them the Nobel Prize.
Truth be told, Modiji deserves not one Nobel Prize but all of them. Just last week, a number of commentators nominated him for the Nobel in Chemistry, for articulating the potential of converting gutter vapours to cooking fuel without expensive processes involving separation of gases and pressurisation. Such direct conversion is perfectly appropriate technology for India, which boasts more open drains than any country on earth. Using this ready source of renewable energy, the Modi government promises to provide every Indian with inexpensive power and cooking gas in the near future.
The first Nobel that ought to have gone to our dear leader was the Peace Prize. The Nobel committee, which erred in failing to acknowledge Mahatma Gandhi decades ago, is continuing on its misguided path by refusing to recognise Modiji’s efforts in Gujarat in 2002, which established him as the inheritor of Gandhi’s legacy. Compelling interviews with Babu Bajrangiji and Haresh Bhattji, associates of Sri Modi in his years as chief minister of Gujarat, reveal that his actions in the wake of the Godhra train burning were every bit as admirable as Gandhi’s well-known role in calming Calcutta in August 1947. No less praiseworthy was the Gujarat administration’s provision of succour to innocent Indians who were forced from their homes in those days.
Although the Nobel committee ignored him, Modiji’s actions in 2002 cemented his place in the hearts of Indian patriots and helped elevate him to his destined role as the nation’s guardian. In the course of that journey, he laid claim to the Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine, for resurrecting the forgotten Indian traditions of extra-corporal birthing and entire head replacement. He alluded, during his time as chief minister, to our nation’s glorious medical history, which is misinterpreted by colonialists and self-loathing Indians as mythology or legend. Returning to the theme after his ascension, he said:
“The Mahabharata says Karna was not born from his mother’s womb. This means that genetic science was present at that time. That is why Karna could be born outside his mother’s womb… We worship Lord Ganesha. There must have been some plastic surgeon at that time who got an elephant’s head on the body of a human being and began the practice of plastic surgery.”
A Man of Capital Letters
Three Nobel Prizes would cement Modiji’s place in history and in the Guinness Book of World Records. He would overtake Linus Pauling, who was awarded in two disparate disciplines, Chemistry and Peace. But Indians should settle for nothing less than a Grand Unification of Trophies. And so, on to Literature, where Modiji has carved a space for himself among men of letters, and particularly among Men of Capital Letters (MCL). MCL literature consists of reducing complex concepts to simple acronyms, and occasionally creating elaborate acronyms for basic ideas. Modiji is among the most prolific authors in the field today. The power of his abridgements is such that it transcends the distinction between saying and doing.
As a result, Indians today enjoy the VIKAS (Vidyut, Kanoon, and Sadak) he promised: every village is electrified, the rule of law prevails like it did during Ram Rajya, and potholes have disappeared from roads. Other gems he has dreamt up include an enunciation of his TOP priority (Tomato, Onions, and Potatoes); the equation IT + IT = IT (Indian Talent + Information Technology = India Tomorrow); the evolution from PPPs (Public-Private-Partnerships) to PPPPs (Public-Private-People-Partnerships), a shift too subtle for those who consider “people” a synonym of “public”; and the ideal of PRAGATI (Pro-Active Governance and Timely Implementation) which is most evident in the administration’s response to television news.
There are a dozen other acronyms I could discuss, but let me conclude with STRENGTH, which he expanded to mean Spirituality, Tradition, Trade and Technology, Relationship, Entertainment, Art, Nature, and Health. It would be no exaggeration to say Modiji’s working style exemplifies STTTREANH.
Demonetisation for all ills
As a final testament to his versatility, Modiji laid claim to the Nobel Prize for Economics on the night of November 8, 2016, by announcing a demonetisation of the old 500 rupee and 1,000 rupee notes, which were swapped for new 500 rupee and 2,000 rupee notes. This stroke of genius, this breathtakingly bold initiative, eliminated black money in one fell swoop. Not only that, it eradicated the menace of counterfeiting. As his acolytes predicted, the note swap also put an immediate stop to demonstrations in the restive Kashmir Valley, which had been financed by counterfeit currency from Pakistan. The world is witness to the tranquility that has descended on the formerly troubled state in the months since demonetisation. Meanwhile, across India, even the poorest of the poor have adapted to our new cashless economy, sending and receiving money digitally instead of dealing with grubby paper currency.
There remains the Nobel Prize for Physics. I might be overlooking some relevant accomplishment, for they are too numerous for one person to monitor, but have no doubt that Modiji will stake claim to this citation before his first term is done. Our Home Minister Rajnath Singh has already shown that Werner Heisenberg pinched his Uncertainty Principle from the Vedas. Modiji will doubtless take this forward and discover the unification of general relativity and quantum field theory in Hindu scripture. In the meantime, I request my Indian brothers and sisters to lobby the various Nobel committees diligently, and secure for our beloved ruler the laurels he so richly merits.