Smt ROMILA THAPAR / 2 September 2019
We, the Hardwork University Press, are writing as per directions we have received from the recently constituted Ministry of Utmost Misery, Govt of Bharatamata, to notify you of the following.
1. It has recently been brought to the notice of the Ministry of Utmost Misery that your ex-university, namely JNU, has been named after some anti-national element (name deleted) who was responsible for prosecuting Shri Nathu Ram Godse. Therefore, said Ministry has decided with immediate effect to rename JNU as Nathu Ram Godse University (NRGU).
2. In view of Item 1 above, Ministry of Utmost Misery has rightly asked you to submit your updated CV so that a decision can be taken on whether you deserve to continue as Professor Emerita in NRGU. Since 99 per cent of formerly named JNU and soon-to-be-renamed NRGU faculty is known to be 100 per cent anti-national, your updated CV will enable said Ministry to determine if your designation may kindly be changed to Ex-Professor Demerita.
3. In view of Items 1 and 2 above, all publishers including Hardwork University Press are now required by Ministry of Utmost Misery to notify their authors of the following (see Item 4 below, applicable to all present and future authors either Resident or Non-Resident in Bharatamata).
4. That you immediately confirm to Hardwork University Press, with cc to Ministry of Utmost Misery, via sworn affidavit, duly purchased from any authorised government registered tout and on Telgi Stamped Paper of no less than Rs 10,00,000 (Rupees Ten Lakh) only, that you are indeed the author, the sole author, and no other than the author of the work published under your name and under the title The Past Before Us, published by said Hardwork University Press. (For clarification, it is clarified that the term “said”, vide supra and vide infra, should not be confused with the surname “Said”, which refers to some late anti-national non-Hindu professor who was resident in some non-Hindu foreign country.)
5. Ministry has been informed that you are Fellow of some college in some foreign University called Oxsphord University. Since you are Lady, Ministry would: (a) like to know how you became Fellow; (b) require you to obtain certificate from Oxsphord University, with self-attested Adhaar Card of whoever is currently Principal of Oxsphord University, stating you are bonafide Lady-Fellow in said University, as on date.
6. Kindly note that the above-mentioned affidavits must include your own Adhaar Card (self-attested photocopy attached in triplicate), your Religion, Caste, PAN details (self-attested photocopy in triplicate), income tax returns for past five years certified by a government recognised CA, copy of the first and last page of your passport showing address proof, mobile number, photocopy of visas to all countries visited, and additional details mentioning any and all visits to Pakistan, Bangla Desh, USA, and any other region or country currently having non-Hindu-majority population.
7. Ministry of Utmost Misery is constrained to note that in some foreign country you have received Kluge Prize for History, which is known as Nobel Prize for History. Kindly provide self-attested photocopy with Adhaar Card of the same as Hardwork University Press has been notified that said Prize has not been recognised by any Ministry in Government of Bharatamata. Therefore, as your publishers, we have been asked to immediately submit one photocopy of said Prize to the said Ministry, duly attested by President of country from which said Prize was received, self-attested by you along with your Adhaar Card and also the Adhaar Card of said foreign President.
(In case foreign President does not yet possess Adhaar Card, he may apply to Ministry of Utmost Misery for the same, and as purely temporary measure he may submit, in lieu of his Adhaar Card, his income tax returns for past ten years, wheretoheretofore it is hereby clarified that his Adhaar Card will be required within next one year from date of this letter, or date of his demise, whichever is earlier. In this context you may kindly note that said foreign President will not be excused submission of his ITR on any grounds, including pending audit settlement of said ITR in foreign country.)
8. Ministry of Utmost Misery has alerted Hardwork University Press that you are the author of several seditious and anti-national works, that you are having atheistic temperament, and that your writings have failed to acknowledge
(a) existence of Bharatmata from time of Hindu Aryan Period
(b) existence of plastic surgery in ancient Bharatmata by which alone we are having darshanas now of Revered Lord Ganesha
(c) existence of ancient helicopter known as Udan Khatola invented for travel first time since Mahabharata and previously also
(d) existence of cow slaughter in Ravana’s Lanka despite existence of beef-ban in Ayodhya during period of Ramayana and previously also
In view of herein stated Clause 7, sub-clauses a, b, c, and d, you are required to give us self-attested certificate along with Adhaar Card in triplicate swearing that henceforth you will not express above such reprehensible anti-national and seditious sentiment in any work that you may or may not publish with Hardwork University Press. Ministry of Utmost Misery, as will be shortly notified and formally gazetted, has coined formula-cum-slogan for all historians resident in Bharatamata, viz.
HeHiFe = HiHiFa
This is now e=mc2 of our Bharatamata and translates as:
Heartfelt Hindu Feeling = Hindu Historical Fact
9. Notwithstanding whatever may have been stated above of a personal nature to your badself, Hardwork University Press wishes to inform that since we have been given locust standii by Ministry of Utmost Misery, same notification issued hereby to you is being issued mutatis mutandis and in loco parentis to other offensive authors, viz.
(a) Shri Ramachandra Guha for self-afflicted damage to his first name
(b) Smt Vasudha Dalmia for teaching Hindi in English and writing PhD in German instead of Hindi on Hindu Saint Bharatendu ji
(c) Shri Sanjay Subrahmanyam for disrespecting the Brotherhood of Big Brother
(d) Shri Sheldon Pollock for writing history of Sanskrit but not in Sanskrit, which Ministry of Utmost Misery is shortly declaring Rashtrabhasha
(e) Shri W. Dalrymple for being like Muslim Nawabs and not practising austerities like rishis of Bharatamata
(f) Maulana Muzaffar Alam for title/name like he is having
(g) Shri J. Dreze who is foreigner disguised as Indian wearing kurta all day and completely lacking in dreze sense
Full list of anti-national anti-Hindu authors who are having atheistic temperament and not staying within lakshman rekha of HeHiFe = HiHiFa will be available online shortly.
10. It may be noted here (a) that Smt Arundhati Roy will be exempted from the above list since the misery felt in whole of Bharatamatawhen reading her recent novel has been the inspiration for the name of our new Ministry; (b) in view of Ease of Doing Business in Bharatamata, you have been exempted from providing photocopy of your ration card.