Weeks have gone by, yet no one has spoken up. Chetan Bhagat has said nothing. The PM has been busy. Even Arnab has been strangely silent, although this may be because he was kidnapped and replaced by a duplicate while he was in America. The current version seems much milder. Sometimes he smiles. His complexion is also different. But that is not the point. The point is, why has the media said nothing, at a time when the nation faces the single largest threat since Rakhi Sawant almost became a member of parliament? Arnab may not be saying it, but it has to be said. Are we, once more, becoming victims of a massive conspiracy against the nation?
Wrapped up in a heavy coat and a check muffler, in a small country far away, the President of India had a secret rendezvous with Santa Claus, surrounded by Finnish people. This has grave social, political, economic and religious implications. The religious implications should be obvious. Are we allowing Christian interests to infiltrate our country through the back door? Using a sack full of presents and artificial cheerfulness, will this man seduce our children to the path of Christianity? If so, who will take care of the cows?
What about the danger to our economy? Do we want to hand over our toy market to elves? Remember, everyone in the West gets Christmas presents. This means that what the Santa clique calls "toys" covers practically everything, from DVD players to inflatable sex dolls. Elves are small, and good with their fingers, like the Japanese. Will Indian industry be able to withstand the competition?
Uncle Sam looms
Politically, the Santa clique is also part of a larger American threat. What is Santa Claus but a front for American commercial interests? He was invented by Coca Cola. He has links with the US military-industrial complex. He is inherently shady. Even his nationality is subject to question. Some say he is Canadian. Others say he is Norwegian. Our President met a Finnish person. How do we know he even met the right Santa Claus? Supposing he’s a duplicate, like Arnab?
The threat could also be from the opposite end of the political spectrum. Fidel Castro has a beard. The Maoists prefer red. It all makes sense. Santa could be part of a communist plot. Once the President invites him over, he could become the spearhead of communism in India. Prakash Karat is clearly not up to it, and Sitaram Yechury is too curly.
If you believe I’m exaggerating the danger, consider this. Today who are some of the most powerful men in India? Nitin Gadkari, Amit Shah, and Arun Jaitley. The conclusion is obvious. We love fat people. We tend to put them in positions of power. Is it a good idea to give an obese foreign national like Santa Claus greater access to India? Particularly when even his nationality is unclear?
Socially, what about Love Jihad? Already, there’s so much trouble. Our women are facing threats from every side. It’s not their fault. They’re just more attractive. Do we want to give a large Christian person with a flying vehicle access to our air space?
Other threats
Not that we care, but the Finnish people are in danger too. Supposing the President makes this an annual event? What if Sharad Pawar accompanies him next time? Before they know what’s happening, the place will be filled with Santa Heights and Casa Santa and Santa View Apartments. The ecology will go to hell. The elves could become disgruntled. As I pointed out earlier, we do not want them to become our enemies.
How has the President fallen into this trap? I blame Christmas cake. Santa would naturally have the best. Calcutta has more pastry shops than the rest of the country put together. Pranab-da was attracted. It’s more than flesh and blood can resist, and judging by the amount of flesh he’s put on, he hasn’t been doing much resisting. Or maybe there’s a minimum weight class for senior positions.
In case you think this is all too far fetched, consider how silent the media has been. Remember, the real news in this country is what the media doesn’t report. The rest is all press releases and cleavage. Except for Scroll, of course. We also do Chetan Bhagat. Either way, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Keep an eye on your local mall this December. If you see a Santa Claus, whispering to a child in his lap, remember – you read it here first.
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Wrapped up in a heavy coat and a check muffler, in a small country far away, the President of India had a secret rendezvous with Santa Claus, surrounded by Finnish people. This has grave social, political, economic and religious implications. The religious implications should be obvious. Are we allowing Christian interests to infiltrate our country through the back door? Using a sack full of presents and artificial cheerfulness, will this man seduce our children to the path of Christianity? If so, who will take care of the cows?
What about the danger to our economy? Do we want to hand over our toy market to elves? Remember, everyone in the West gets Christmas presents. This means that what the Santa clique calls "toys" covers practically everything, from DVD players to inflatable sex dolls. Elves are small, and good with their fingers, like the Japanese. Will Indian industry be able to withstand the competition?
Uncle Sam looms
Politically, the Santa clique is also part of a larger American threat. What is Santa Claus but a front for American commercial interests? He was invented by Coca Cola. He has links with the US military-industrial complex. He is inherently shady. Even his nationality is subject to question. Some say he is Canadian. Others say he is Norwegian. Our President met a Finnish person. How do we know he even met the right Santa Claus? Supposing he’s a duplicate, like Arnab?
The threat could also be from the opposite end of the political spectrum. Fidel Castro has a beard. The Maoists prefer red. It all makes sense. Santa could be part of a communist plot. Once the President invites him over, he could become the spearhead of communism in India. Prakash Karat is clearly not up to it, and Sitaram Yechury is too curly.
If you believe I’m exaggerating the danger, consider this. Today who are some of the most powerful men in India? Nitin Gadkari, Amit Shah, and Arun Jaitley. The conclusion is obvious. We love fat people. We tend to put them in positions of power. Is it a good idea to give an obese foreign national like Santa Claus greater access to India? Particularly when even his nationality is unclear?
Socially, what about Love Jihad? Already, there’s so much trouble. Our women are facing threats from every side. It’s not their fault. They’re just more attractive. Do we want to give a large Christian person with a flying vehicle access to our air space?
Other threats
Not that we care, but the Finnish people are in danger too. Supposing the President makes this an annual event? What if Sharad Pawar accompanies him next time? Before they know what’s happening, the place will be filled with Santa Heights and Casa Santa and Santa View Apartments. The ecology will go to hell. The elves could become disgruntled. As I pointed out earlier, we do not want them to become our enemies.
How has the President fallen into this trap? I blame Christmas cake. Santa would naturally have the best. Calcutta has more pastry shops than the rest of the country put together. Pranab-da was attracted. It’s more than flesh and blood can resist, and judging by the amount of flesh he’s put on, he hasn’t been doing much resisting. Or maybe there’s a minimum weight class for senior positions.
In case you think this is all too far fetched, consider how silent the media has been. Remember, the real news in this country is what the media doesn’t report. The rest is all press releases and cleavage. Except for Scroll, of course. We also do Chetan Bhagat. Either way, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Keep an eye on your local mall this December. If you see a Santa Claus, whispering to a child in his lap, remember – you read it here first.
