Time: Pre-Apocalyptic Present
Venue: Conference Room of Mega-publishers, Dodo Books
Agenda: Last-minute-cojone-saving
Present:
CEO (whose head is on the line)
Editor (whose husband just told her he is considering changing sex)
Marketing head (formerly a make-up artist for a travelling circus)
Watchman Ram Singh (failed writer whose real name is Bhoogolam)
CEO: Sales are dismal. Something has to be done. Otherwise ... (does scissors movement with index and middle finger).
Editor: (Thinking he’s referring to hubby) What? What did you hear? It’s not final.
CEO: Hear what? Just saying... if we don’t come up with something, white boys will go chop, chop. Then we’ll have to close shop and herd camels in Jaipur.
Editor (relieved): What to do, yaar? All the big names – that dance show fellow, that epic whatsisname and that erotica-wallah chappie who’s in jail – they are with the enemy. And sales of Bikini Bahu and Hello, Hello! Where’s Mr This-Thing, our bestsellers, have plateaued...
Marketing head: Why not get one of our books banned? This moron called Delopavalli or something... never liked him, why not ban or pulp one of his bullshit books that doesn’t sell? I know a guy, used to be a knife-thrower, who is now head honcho of HIMSA – Highest Indian Moral Standards Association – I could put in a word.
CEO: Meh. Bans have become boring. We need something big. Spectacular.
Ram Singh: How about Naruto? Why not sign him up?
Editor: It’s not Naruto. It’s Ney-roo-da. And he’s dead.
Ram Singh (sighing): Yeah, yeah. And so is Marquez. I’m talking of the Indonesian Selfie Monkey.
CEO: The what?
Ram Singh: You don’t have Internet or what?
Marketing head: Of course he does. He just sent me a picture of his ...
CEO: ... Why bring up all that now? Let’s get to the point. (to Ram Singh) You were saying?
Ram Singh: Naruto is the name of the macaque monkey who took some pretty cool selfies with a camera. They’ve gone viral.
CEO: A monkey that took pictures? Seriously? We are a publishing house, Ram Singh, not a circus freakshow.
Marketing head: Hey, hey, easy with the circus dissing, okay. If it wasn’t for my old trapeze-wallah friend, you’d never have got your incriminating underwear back from you-know-who’s tenth floor apartment, remember?
CEO does apologetic namaskaram.
Ram Singh: Listen fully, na. Animal activists are saying that, as opposed to the wildlife photographer who positioned the camera, Naruto, the wilful, unassisted clicker of the photos, is the author of the photos and should be declared the copyright owner. The author ... you get it, the AUTHOR.
CEO: Tell me more.
Ram Singh: Heard that he’s in talks with your agent friend Bul-Bul Banerjee ...
CEO: Who is?
Ram Singh: The monkey, who else?
Editor: Bul-Bul, you say? Oh, that little shit owes me one. I published her plastic surgeon’s book last year ... and I know for a fact that her bul-buls are not real. Let me call her. (Phones.)
It is an hour later. Champagne has been cracked. There is laughter and the celebratory tinkle of glasses.
Editor (clinking glass with Ram Singh): Cheers! So Naruto is ours! Three-book deal, huh? Not bad.
Marketing head: This is fantastic. But, you know, I’m kind of not so sure about the Jaipur thing. But Bul-Bul says that’s a deal breaker. No Jaipur. No Naruto. How’re we going to manage that?
Editor: What manage? He’s a bloody born writer, our Naruto. The lit fest circuit is going to love him.
CEO: How is that?
Ram Singh: Look, the bugger chatters incomprehensibly for hours, touches himself inappropriately in public, throws doo-doo on anyone who crosses him and chases young women. C’mon, just put him in a Fabindia kurta and on the Booker list, already.
Editor: Bul-Bul tells me, with all the fame and partying, he’s also become a raving alcoholic. And because of the hangovers, he’s not able to throw doo-doo as accurately as before. And that’s made him depressed. So he’s on medication.
Ram Singh: My god! Could he be any more writerly?!
Editor (giggling): Yes, he actually can. He’s primping and preening all the time and has a mean pout, too. He’s obsessed with taking selfies. He’s called the Selfie Monkey, for chrissake.
CEO: That’s all very well. So ... er ... his book? Actually, books. What ... or, rather, how, is he actually going to write?
Ram Singh and Editor look at each other and burst out laughing.
Editor: You’re so going to give me a raise for this one.
Ram Singh: That should be ‘us a raise’, dear. (Addressing CEO and Marketing head) Heard of the infinite monkey theorem? Probably not. Well, what it basically says is that if a monkey randomly clacks away on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, it will eventually type up the complete works of Shakespeare.
CEO: This is brilliant. So we just publish Shakespeare and put Naruto’s name underneath. Public domain, yaay!
Marketing head: How about this? Let’s do a coffee table book instead. Give the little bugger a camera and have him click stuff he does. Like ....
Ram Singh: Or ... or ... better still, we publish a trilogy. First one, See No Evil; second one, Hear No Evil; and third, Speak No Evil. Perfect, wouldn’t you say, for the Indian market under present circumstances?
CEO, Editor and Mktg Head get up and give Ram Singh a standing ovation.
Editor’s phone rings.
Editor (on the phone): Sorry, yaar, no can do. He’s pretty clear.
CEO: Who was that?
Editor: Rajdeep. He wanted an exclusive with Naruto.
CEO: Why on earth did you turn him down?
Editor: Forgot to tell you, guys. Apparently, Naruto will talk to no one but Arnab.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is the author of two novels, Ice Boys in Bell-Bottoms and Jump Cut, and a play, Dear Anita. He is on the lookout for a handler.
We welcome your comments at
letters@scroll.in.
Venue: Conference Room of Mega-publishers, Dodo Books
Agenda: Last-minute-cojone-saving
Present:
CEO (whose head is on the line)
Editor (whose husband just told her he is considering changing sex)
Marketing head (formerly a make-up artist for a travelling circus)
Watchman Ram Singh (failed writer whose real name is Bhoogolam)
CEO: Sales are dismal. Something has to be done. Otherwise ... (does scissors movement with index and middle finger).
Editor: (Thinking he’s referring to hubby) What? What did you hear? It’s not final.
CEO: Hear what? Just saying... if we don’t come up with something, white boys will go chop, chop. Then we’ll have to close shop and herd camels in Jaipur.
Editor (relieved): What to do, yaar? All the big names – that dance show fellow, that epic whatsisname and that erotica-wallah chappie who’s in jail – they are with the enemy. And sales of Bikini Bahu and Hello, Hello! Where’s Mr This-Thing, our bestsellers, have plateaued...
Marketing head: Why not get one of our books banned? This moron called Delopavalli or something... never liked him, why not ban or pulp one of his bullshit books that doesn’t sell? I know a guy, used to be a knife-thrower, who is now head honcho of HIMSA – Highest Indian Moral Standards Association – I could put in a word.
CEO: Meh. Bans have become boring. We need something big. Spectacular.
Ram Singh: How about Naruto? Why not sign him up?
Editor: It’s not Naruto. It’s Ney-roo-da. And he’s dead.
Ram Singh (sighing): Yeah, yeah. And so is Marquez. I’m talking of the Indonesian Selfie Monkey.
CEO: The what?
Ram Singh: You don’t have Internet or what?
Marketing head: Of course he does. He just sent me a picture of his ...
CEO: ... Why bring up all that now? Let’s get to the point. (to Ram Singh) You were saying?
Ram Singh: Naruto is the name of the macaque monkey who took some pretty cool selfies with a camera. They’ve gone viral.
CEO: A monkey that took pictures? Seriously? We are a publishing house, Ram Singh, not a circus freakshow.
Marketing head: Hey, hey, easy with the circus dissing, okay. If it wasn’t for my old trapeze-wallah friend, you’d never have got your incriminating underwear back from you-know-who’s tenth floor apartment, remember?
CEO does apologetic namaskaram.
Ram Singh: Listen fully, na. Animal activists are saying that, as opposed to the wildlife photographer who positioned the camera, Naruto, the wilful, unassisted clicker of the photos, is the author of the photos and should be declared the copyright owner. The author ... you get it, the AUTHOR.
CEO: Tell me more.
Ram Singh: Heard that he’s in talks with your agent friend Bul-Bul Banerjee ...
CEO: Who is?
Ram Singh: The monkey, who else?
Editor: Bul-Bul, you say? Oh, that little shit owes me one. I published her plastic surgeon’s book last year ... and I know for a fact that her bul-buls are not real. Let me call her. (Phones.)
It is an hour later. Champagne has been cracked. There is laughter and the celebratory tinkle of glasses.
Editor (clinking glass with Ram Singh): Cheers! So Naruto is ours! Three-book deal, huh? Not bad.
Marketing head: This is fantastic. But, you know, I’m kind of not so sure about the Jaipur thing. But Bul-Bul says that’s a deal breaker. No Jaipur. No Naruto. How’re we going to manage that?
Editor: What manage? He’s a bloody born writer, our Naruto. The lit fest circuit is going to love him.
CEO: How is that?
Ram Singh: Look, the bugger chatters incomprehensibly for hours, touches himself inappropriately in public, throws doo-doo on anyone who crosses him and chases young women. C’mon, just put him in a Fabindia kurta and on the Booker list, already.
Editor: Bul-Bul tells me, with all the fame and partying, he’s also become a raving alcoholic. And because of the hangovers, he’s not able to throw doo-doo as accurately as before. And that’s made him depressed. So he’s on medication.
Ram Singh: My god! Could he be any more writerly?!
Editor (giggling): Yes, he actually can. He’s primping and preening all the time and has a mean pout, too. He’s obsessed with taking selfies. He’s called the Selfie Monkey, for chrissake.
CEO: That’s all very well. So ... er ... his book? Actually, books. What ... or, rather, how, is he actually going to write?
Ram Singh and Editor look at each other and burst out laughing.
Editor: You’re so going to give me a raise for this one.
Ram Singh: That should be ‘us a raise’, dear. (Addressing CEO and Marketing head) Heard of the infinite monkey theorem? Probably not. Well, what it basically says is that if a monkey randomly clacks away on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, it will eventually type up the complete works of Shakespeare.
CEO: This is brilliant. So we just publish Shakespeare and put Naruto’s name underneath. Public domain, yaay!
Marketing head: How about this? Let’s do a coffee table book instead. Give the little bugger a camera and have him click stuff he does. Like ....
Ram Singh: Or ... or ... better still, we publish a trilogy. First one, See No Evil; second one, Hear No Evil; and third, Speak No Evil. Perfect, wouldn’t you say, for the Indian market under present circumstances?
CEO, Editor and Mktg Head get up and give Ram Singh a standing ovation.
Editor’s phone rings.
Editor (on the phone): Sorry, yaar, no can do. He’s pretty clear.
CEO: Who was that?
Editor: Rajdeep. He wanted an exclusive with Naruto.
CEO: Why on earth did you turn him down?
Editor: Forgot to tell you, guys. Apparently, Naruto will talk to no one but Arnab.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is the author of two novels, Ice Boys in Bell-Bottoms and Jump Cut, and a play, Dear Anita. He is on the lookout for a handler.
