There was a time when Prime Minister Narendra Modi's arrival on the national stage was supposed usher in a new era of development and prosperity. That hasn't worked out so well. Instead, we've solidly pivoted from the promise of an economically progressive administration to one that is unapologetic about its cultural agenda. Rather than talking about the Congress' obstructionism on the Goods and Services Tax and the Land Acquisition law, we're now discussing cows.
Transitions are a difficult time. But as we turn from a sickular, beef-eating, cowardly, Nehru-Gandhi-loving communist collective into a proud, patriotic, advanced, culturally perfect Hindu Rashtra, it might be worthwhile putting together a quick how-to manual for those who (deplorably) failed to visit their local shakha on at least a weekly basis.
This list is always getting longer, so don't expect it to be exhaustive. But consider it a beginning on your path to blissful Bharatiya Janata Party-powered salvation.
*What you can eat
Not beef. This holds true all through the year.
Not other meat. This holds true at specific times, primarily in Maharashtra, when you need to respect the sentiments of a specific minority.
No eggs. This only applies to government school children hoping to get nourishment from their mid-day meals.
*What you can listen to
Not Ghulam Ali. Or any other Pakistani singer.
*How many generations of your family must live in the house
No less than three. Or else, according to Union Culture Minister Mahesh Sharma, you aren't sticking to one of the tenets of Indian culture. Added bonus: Having all three generations cook in the same kitchen.
*Where you can go dancing
Not garba-dandiya events. Unless you've sprinkled cow urine on yourself. (Don't worry, it works like a charm and doubles up as confirmation that you're Hindu).
*What G stands for in the alphabet
Ganesha not Gadha. Mahesh Sharma, ace educator, is just making sure you're giving the kids the best possible education.
*How many children you must have
At least 5 children* (*offer only applies to Hindus, so that equilibrium can be achieved in the country).
*How you should urinate
Never from a standing position. Not unless you want distressing vibrations from hell entering through your feet. But while sitting, do collect the urine and use it to water your plants.
*How to cure cancer
Cow urine, obvs.
*How to clean your floors
If it's not obvious to you already, the answer is again cow urine.
*What hairstyle you should have
Short hair only for men – how else will you keep your sperm count up? – and no wearing your hair free for women.
*What not to read
Please consult with Mr Dinananth Batra, because this list would be too long to put here. (Anyone who has returned an award to the Sahitya Akademi is, of course, an immediate no-no).
*What you should sacrifice
This one is simple: Your own sentiments, never theirs.
We welcome your comments at
letters@scroll.in.
Transitions are a difficult time. But as we turn from a sickular, beef-eating, cowardly, Nehru-Gandhi-loving communist collective into a proud, patriotic, advanced, culturally perfect Hindu Rashtra, it might be worthwhile putting together a quick how-to manual for those who (deplorably) failed to visit their local shakha on at least a weekly basis.
This list is always getting longer, so don't expect it to be exhaustive. But consider it a beginning on your path to blissful Bharatiya Janata Party-powered salvation.
*What you can eat
Not beef. This holds true all through the year.
Not other meat. This holds true at specific times, primarily in Maharashtra, when you need to respect the sentiments of a specific minority.
No eggs. This only applies to government school children hoping to get nourishment from their mid-day meals.
*What you can listen to
Not Ghulam Ali. Or any other Pakistani singer.
*How many generations of your family must live in the house
No less than three. Or else, according to Union Culture Minister Mahesh Sharma, you aren't sticking to one of the tenets of Indian culture. Added bonus: Having all three generations cook in the same kitchen.
*Where you can go dancing
Not garba-dandiya events. Unless you've sprinkled cow urine on yourself. (Don't worry, it works like a charm and doubles up as confirmation that you're Hindu).
*What G stands for in the alphabet
Ganesha not Gadha. Mahesh Sharma, ace educator, is just making sure you're giving the kids the best possible education.
*How many children you must have
At least 5 children* (*offer only applies to Hindus, so that equilibrium can be achieved in the country).
*How you should urinate
Never from a standing position. Not unless you want distressing vibrations from hell entering through your feet. But while sitting, do collect the urine and use it to water your plants.
*How to cure cancer
Cow urine, obvs.
*How to clean your floors
If it's not obvious to you already, the answer is again cow urine.
*What hairstyle you should have
Short hair only for men – how else will you keep your sperm count up? – and no wearing your hair free for women.
*What not to read
Please consult with Mr Dinananth Batra, because this list would be too long to put here. (Anyone who has returned an award to the Sahitya Akademi is, of course, an immediate no-no).
*What you should sacrifice
This one is simple: Your own sentiments, never theirs.