One of my favourite ways to provide support is thinking about how you can create an environment to help someone get better. What does that mean? There is a lot of research about the role that your physical environment plays in your mental, spiritual, and physical health. It’s everything from the space you live in, the clutter around you, the food in your fridge, the people that you spend time with, and the plans in your calendar.
Ask yourself, How can I create an environment that makes change and getting better easier? There are a million ways you can do this, but I want to start with an example from my life.
When our first daughter was born, I had a very complicated delivery and lost a lot of blood. By the time I was finally discharged and sent home, I was not only physically destroyed, but mentally dealing with severe postpartum depression.
It was so bad that I couldn’t be left alone with our baby for the first four months of her life. I couldn’t breastfeed because of the medications I was on. And I was so depleted, I spent most of the day sleeping or sitting like a zombie on the couch.
What I remember most is that no one asked me how they could help. They just showed up and created an environment for my healing without asking. My cousin came over to clean. My parents drove across the country and sat with me for weeks. A new friend, Joanie, who was pregnant at the time, would come and just sit and keep me company so Chris could go to work. And while I dozed off to sleep, she would do a load of laundry or make a simple lunch.
My in-laws came for a week and, every day, had something planned. Without even asking, they would say, “All right, come on, we are going to the Boston Flower Show.” And they would load me and the baby into the car. And even though I was still a zombie, and still deeply depressed, they created an environment where I got out of the house and began to step back into life again.
No one asked me, “What help do you need?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to do the laundry?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?” They just did it. And that is an important note about people who are struggling.
Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.
When you are struggling, you don’t know what you want or what you need. Some days, you don’t even know what day it is. Have you ever noticed that when you ask a friend who is grieving, going through a breakup, or just got out of the hospital how you can help, they often say, “It’s okay, I’ll be fine,” “Nothing,” or “I don’t need anything.”
When you’re struggling, you don’t want to burden anyone else, because you already feel like a burden. Let Me create the environment they need to get better.
Here are some examples of things you can do: show up at their doorstep, drop off dinner, help them clean up their apartment, fill their fridge with healthy food, walk into their bedroom and pull the shades open and lift up the windows to let the air in, do their laundry, make a playlist of great songs, send them podcast episodes that will help give them hope, send them care packages filled with thoughtful and nurturing things, or buy them a digital picture frame and load up photos so in their environment they are constantly reminded of happy memories and people around them.
One of my favourite things to do, especially for a new mom, comes from therapist KCDavis: Drop off a tower of paper plates and cups so they don’t have to do the dishes while caring for a newborn.
And while we’re on the topic, call or text a friend and say, “I’m coming over on Saturday, and I’m taking the kids or the dog to the park to give you a break.”
Take your roommate to get manicures, or to a new exhibit at the museum, after her breakup. Text someone once a week and just say, “I’m thinking about you, you are not going to go through this alone, you do not need to text me back, I just want you to know I am always here.” Invite your friend who just got out of a treatment program to do a yoga class with you every Wednesday morning, and better yet, pick them up.
You can create an environment for positive change by offering therapy, cooking healthy meals, or having conversations, and focusing on open-ended questions. Can you see how these examples are very different from throwing money at a situation, or enabling or rescuing someone from their problems? These are all examples where you are making it easier to step back into life.
You never know what someone else is going through. You get to choose what kind of friend, loved one, or family member you get to be. In this book, we’ve talked a lot about showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
When you help someone else, do it without expectation. Do it because it makes you feel good to reach out to that friend that’s in the hospital. Don’t do it because you hope to get a long text back updating you on what’s happening. Drop off dinner to someone who just had a baby, not because you are expecting a thank-you, but because it makes you feel good to know you show up for the people you love in life.
Remember that when someone is struggling they are often so overwhelmed they don’t have the energy to keep you updated or to remember to thank you – but trust that your kind gesture is making all the difference, whether you receive a thank-you or not.
Your job is to stand by their side and hold the light high. Be a beacon of hope. Believe in their ability to get better.
People avoid healing because they do not believe they can face the pain they are running from. So Let Them borrow their belief from you. Because when someone feels accepted, loved, and supported, it’s easier for them to believe in their ability to step back into life too.
So let’s summarize how to help someone who is struggling. In this section, you may have learned how you are preventing other adults from facing their struggles. The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them – it means giving them the space and tools to do it themselves.
Problem: Rescuing people from their problems makes them drown in them. When you enable others with your money, words, and actions, you don’t foster their independence – you hinder their healing. You prolong their suffering, their debt, their breakdown, and in turn, your own.
Truth: People only heal when they are ready to do the work. You will be ready for them to heal before they are. While your intentions may be good, constantly stepping in to solve their issues creates dependency and frustration, and hinders their ability to take responsibility for themselves. You cannot want someone’s healing more than they do.
Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you must step back and allow adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions. Instead of rescuing, offer support with conditions. This approach helps them take responsibility for their own healing and growth, and demonstrates your belief in their innate ability to get better and do better.
When you say Let Them, you trust and empower others to handle their difficulties while understanding that facing hardship is a necessary part of growth. When you say Let Me, you focus on providing support without taking over while creating the environment and tools necessary for another person to get better for themselves.
Believe in their ability to heal, and create an environment where change is possible.
Excerpted with permission from The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, Mel Robbins, Hay House India.
