The age of marriage has been rising in urban India. Sociologists, anthropologists, and demographers identify several key reasons for this increase in age at marriage, including women’s education, employment, and broader trajectories of “progress” in these societies. There are also those that bemoan this change arguing that it impacts the family system, societal cohesion, and the institution of marriage. The general perception is that those who delay their age at marriage are sceptical of the institution of marriage and are rejecting it in favour of more flexible types of partnerships including live-in relationships.
My research with the professional middle class of Delhi brought out a more nuanced understanding of this decision to delay marriage. To begin with, it revealed that this decision has less to do with rejecting the institution of marriage. In other words, those who choose to delay marriage do so not because they do not value the institution of marriage but in fact because they respect the institution of marriage and want to make it work, for which they desire genuine love and companionship. A significant aspect of this love is an emphasis on self-love. An oft-repeated argument of the urban professionals I researched was that it is important for them to love themselves first – nurture their mind, body, and self, before they are ready to love someone else and marry.
Significantly, I further explain that this decision to delay marriage is related to the changing leisure and cultural practices of a “modern” middle class. I explain that activities such as therapy, yoga, solo holidays, use of dating apps, sexual freedom, and going out to restaurants, bars, and pubs create a single-friendly environment and the decision to delay marriage, find love and self-love are entangled with these cultural and leisure practices augmented by a cosmopolitan living.
A second aspect that I draw attention to is how these changes are also transforming the language of love by a prominent inclusion of self-love, and how this directly impacts the choice of a spouse. The urban professionals clearly state that they desire to marry a person who will not dominate or subsume their sense of self in the marriage. A “good” partner therefore is not simply one who matches status but is also someone who does not drastically alter one’s sense of self and provides them the time and space to nurture themselves. Thus, they desire a marriage where the partnership not only entails companionate love but also self-love, and this is prominent in their language of what love and marriage are.
In Delhi, several of these leisure spaces have come up, especially in the adjoining city of Gurugram (in Haryana) which is the professional hub of North India. Post-liberalisation, when multinational companies were allowed in India, they set up their offices in Gurugram, which has since developed at a fast pace with high-rise buildings comprising offices and residences. It now also boasts of tall condos for young professionals to rent or buy apartments in. In this new urban jungle, have also emerged shopping malls and other areas dedicated to leisure activities as Cyber Hub that house many Indian and international chains of cafes and restaurants (Starbucks, Pizza Hut, Nando’s). Another such leisure space is Aerocity, close to Delhi’s International Airport which has offices and shared workspaces such as WeWork. My interviewees explained that they spend their after-work hours either in Aerocity or CyberHub, catching up with friends or hanging out with colleagues.
Hanging out with friends, going to bars and restaurants thus becomes a part of the middle class’s everyday leisure life, and this entanglement with consumer cultures is now an integral part of their class, gender, and political identity. In other words, the kind of drinks they enjoy, the cuisine they prefer, and indeed their idea of leisure becomes a way in which they self-identify. It is these preferences that also become the basis on which they match with others on dating apps – an important facet of the pleasure industry. Dating apps have indeed become popular amongst urban professionals. On a typical dating app profile, the user describes the activities they enjoy doing (hiking, playing sports, yoga). For example, to create a profile on Hinge, a popular dating app amongst my interlocutors, the user is to put up 6 pictures and answer a few ‘prompt questions’ from the categories that the app offers including “self”, “dating vibes” and so on. A few examples of prompts include “My simple pleasures” or “A typical Sunday”, “Give me tips for next holiday”. The answers to these questions clearly centre on experiences of leisure and how the individual self-identifies. I met Priya aged 31, working in Accenture, and Bharat aged 30, working in KPMG, to chat about their dating lives.
Though they are known to each other, I met them separately and asked what makes them “swipe right” (accept a match on a dating app), and Priya replied, “The first impression is of course based on looks but apart from that [I look for] someone who has taken the time to answer the questions. It helps you get a basic idea of the person. I see if they are well travelled if they have any interesting hobbies. I am looking for a serious relationship and for that I have to connect with someone who is like me. I simply swipe left on profiles that do not answer any questions or write short answers or do not add photographs. It shows you are uninterested and can be an insincere person in general.”
Bharat held a similar opinion and said, “Profiles are a good way of getting a sense of the other person. For example, I don’t like people who use shorthand in texts. You know the ones who write ‘hw abt u’. This is so annoying. It probably shows that your English is weak. Apart from looks and education, I also look at how people have answered questions. If they are witty, if they are into reading. I don’t want someone whose idea of a perfect Sunday is to lie in bed all day long and watch Netflix. That’s such a boring way to live life.”
It is to be considered that the use of dating apps, and dating in general, is seen as a form of leisure activity in itself. In other words, not all forms of dating are meant to find a long-term partner. Instead, it is seen as a way to meet new people, and explore a range of intimate and sexual relationships. Dating apps are aware of this variance amongst their users, to cater to this they now have another section in the signup process, where the user can specify what type of relationship they are looking for: life partner, long-term relationship, short-term relationship, or figuring out my dating goals.
Excerpted with permission from Dissent with Love: Ambiguity, Affect and Transformation in South Asia, edited by Parul Bhandari, Routledge.
