Let us understand that all relationships are need-based. Marriage too is need-based, considering that most people enter into one for the sake of their convenience and comfort.
Allow me to explain this in detail. As we grow up and watch our parents age, we start thinking of our own old age. We assume that just like we are looking after our parents and supporting them, our children too will take care of us during our old age. We then start thinking of getting married, because if we are not married and if we don’t have a family of our own, our lives will become uncertain. We fear we’ll be left alone in the world.
If we’re already married and have a family, we feel that we have fulfilled the purpose of our life. Attachments and responsibilities in the form of a spouse and children give us a sense of accomplishment. And that is the purpose of marriage.
When you get married, there is someone to take care of your needs; someone who knows what you want and is willing to do that for you. There is someone with whom you can share your happy and sad moments, and create a family with. Most importantly, there is someone readily available to go to when you need to release your sexual energy. All in all, while marriage may look like a great concept that has worked well in the eyes of onlookers, it has not always worked well for everyone. But then, like everything else in life, we’ve all been taught to accept the institution of marriage as it is. We’ve been told to compromise, adjust and just be (not live). We’ve all been instructed to pretend for the sake of society that there is harmony at home, and that the family we have created meets all societal norms and expectations. This is how most couples celebrate their silver jubilee and golden jubilee anniversaries.
But the reality is greatly different. Consider this situation: A man comes home tired after a hard day’s work. He is greeted by his wife who has had an equally tough day at home managing everything, from domestic chores to the children. In the evening, when she serves dinner to the family, the man eats it silently. He doesn’t think of the toil and labour that has gone into cooking the food. He doesn’t appreciate the food because he thinks it’s his wife’s “duty” to cook for the family. The woman too doesn’t appreciate the hard work the man has put in for them to be able to afford the food they are eating. She thinks earning a living is the man’s duty.
As they have their food, the husband and the wife talk about mundane things – how the children are faring in school, what they could become once they grow up, some repair work that needs to be done and so on.
Then, once they are done eating, it is time for them to go to bed, with the woman thinking about what to make for breakfast and the man wondering what file to tackle first in office the next morning.
As far as their sex lives are concerned, if, during the week, the wife wants to have sex, she is very likely to quell that desire because she knows that her husband is too tired and has to go to office in the morning. The weekend would be a better time, she tells herself. The man, on the other hand, will still choose to satisfy his sexual needs even when he is tired or doesn’t have enough time.
Please believe me when I tell you that the scene in most Indian bedrooms is not at all like what you see in the movies, with a husband and wife looking at each other with loving eyes or kissing the other’s forehead with tenderness and all that. Instead, it is all about quickly removing each other’s clothes (sometimes not even that) and jumping into the act straightaway. The man hurriedly does a few push-ups on top of the woman in an urge to relieve himself, and there ends the matter. He’ll turn aside and sleep once he’s done, while the woman, now completely aroused, will bear a few sleepless hours before she finally dozes off. And the next morning, the man will expect his wife to make him breakfast – that too with love!
When life becomes so monotonous and predictable, the sanctity of marriage is lost. And yet, we still want to get married and have children because that is what is expected of us by society. Living the one life that has been given to us is not as important as completing our life cycle by doing things that others expect us to do. People think that if they stay single, they will get alienated from the crowd. But here’s the thing: Even if the crowd were to consist entirely of fools and hypocrites, we’d still think it’s important to be one among the crowd!
At this stage in life, however, I strongly believe that not every man and woman’s purpose in life is to get married and build a family. People have unique and individual purposes which are independent of the cycles of marriage and family. That said, if we want a happy married life, we have to bring in changes in the way marriage and family are perceived.
What should these changes be?
To begin with, marriage is not a business transaction where we sign a contract, and abide by the terms and conditions. Where a business deal revolves around products and services, a marriage involves people and their feelings. One has to be very clear about this – love is a spontaneous feeling that cannot be imposed on anyone, neither can it arise from the pages of a legal agreement.
In a marriage, people promise their spouses that they will take care of their needs forever and they will always love them. Fortunately, if one stays healthy and wealthy till they die, they can keep their promise. But how can anyone promise to love another person forever? What comes spontaneously can also vanish spontaneously, right?
Traditionally, we’ve been told that one should not seek love outside marriage. However, in my opinion, this conditioning has to go. If my partner is to be happy in our marriage, then I have to be happy. And vice versa. But for how long can I put on a happy face when my partner is sporting a long one? Things are really as simple as that.
The atmosphere at home has to be happy, and making sure it stays so is in my hands. If my partner has found a new love outside our marriage, I have to let him enjoy that love because that will keep him happy. As a bystander, I should not jump in and ask what is wrong with me and why my partner has fallen in love with someone else? This line of questioning itself is absurd. There need not be anything wrong with me for my husband to fall in love with someone else. On the contrary, this only shows that he has a loving heart and that he can love one more person.
So, if you come to know that your partner or spouse has fallen in love with someone else, just brush it aside and continue to be how you have always been with them. Do not push them into a corner by asking them questions that make them feel guilty about what they are doing. Just ignore everything and simply observe the transformation at home when they come back a happier person. They will be in a better state of mind and they will spread happiness around them. Granted, this will be a very hard thing to do initially, but it will bring the desired effect of creating joy and happiness within your family.
If, however, you react badly to your spouse’s newfound love, you will end up forcing them to make a choice – either they leave you or they leave the other person. If they choose you, they will, in all probability, live with you like a walking vegetable. Love will be replaced entirely by bitterness and regret in your relationship. If you love your spouse truly and you want them in your life, you will not force them to make a choice. You will allow them to LIVE and you will also LIVE.
Also, we should not try to measure love or compare it. We should just love, for the sake of love. Your spouse’s “affair” may either go on for some time or it may stop after a while. Whatever happens, you must remain unaffected by it because they continue to remain your spouse. As long as they still care for you, and take care of you and your family, you should be happy. Do not think that just because your spouse now loves someone else, they no longer love you. This is, in truth, an absurd belief. When a second child is born to a couple, do the parents stop loving their first kid? No. Love is not something that is stored in a limited quantity in our hearts. It’s not something that can be divided or portioned out. It’s not that when we give out love, it gets depleted within us. In fact, the more we love, the more capable we become of loving others and the more it grows in our heart. Love is the only thing that does not diminish with overuse and it’s also the only thing that doesn’t have any boundaries. We can love anything and everything.
Our greatest mistake is that we live for the sake of society. We want society to respect and admire us. We give more importance to superficial things than living a life of our choice. But remember, if you lose a life of happiness, you become lifeless and then society won’t even bother to remember you.
When you don’t respect the fellow human being you might be married to, why bother giving respect to lifeless things? This is akin to making a mockery of the whole system.
If your marriage is a success, talk about it. Let people around you learn how to make a marriage work. If your marriage is a failure, then too you must talk about it. Let people around you know why a marriage fails.
Excerpted with permission from The Toilet Seat, Latha, HarperCollins India.
