Good Morning, India!
I speak to you from the shores of the perhaps the second-greatest country in the world ‒ after India, of course ‒ the United States of America. When you read that, I know what you’re thinking! Here’s another wealthy, narcissistic NRI douchenozzle with lots of time on his hands who thinks that people in India desperately want to pick his mind and are eagerly awaiting any words of wisdom that he can share with them. But that’s not all true! I’m not wealthy. Not in the classical sense. Sure, I’m well-to-do, live in a large house situated in a great suburban neighbourhood and pay less taxes than my secretary, but it doesn’t mean I have money to burn. Come on, I don’t even have my own airplane with a private hangar yet. At best, I’m “affluent.”
Anyway, I’m not here to discuss my finances. At least not overtly. I’m better than that. Classy people like me let everyone know how wealthy we are not by discussing money like a vulgar middle-class person, but by name-dropping things that we love. So, as I type this on my limited edition gold plated Macbook Pro while sipping some San Pellegrino, I want you to put away your prejudice against people like me and listen to what I have to say.
The Way You Make Me Feel
Now, have you considered the fact that you’re being a tad bit ungrateful to my people? We’ve done pretty good things for you over the years! I’m not saying you bow down in reverence every time we deign to award you with our presence, but a small show of gratitude would be welcome.
I’m not the sort of person who maintains a spreadsheet to keep track of good things he’s done for other people, but it seems like someone needs to be reminded of how much they’ve benefited from this relationship.
First of all, who do you think built up your currency reserves? Do you think your industry developed so much that you went from zero to hundreds of billions of dollars in one go? Nope. It was us. We sent you the money. Actually, we sent the money to our family living in India because we didn’t really have time for them so we figured that material things were a good replacement. We’re pretty sure that the sofa they bought with the money we sent them loves them more than we do. But all the money we sent made you one of the few cash-rich countries in the world!
The Kids Are Alright
Secondly, who do you think keeps the stereotype of “the intelligent Indian” alive? Let’s face it. Not many foreigners who come back after visiting India have good things to say. So the onus is on us to generate some positive buzz for the dot people. And we take our responsibility quite seriously! For example, do you think those kids who win all the spelling-bee competitions are born with the natural affinity for spelling and grammar? Ha! Do you know how much money and manpower goes into each champion? Do you even realise how much we have to give up to make that possible? Even our children aren’t immune to making sacrifices. They end up renouncing everything that makes being a child a wonderful experience, just so that they keep their eye on the goal. Some of them are so committed to the project that they make their parents buy them special tapes that spell out difficult words so that they can keep learning even when they’re asleep. Have any of you dedicated your life to such a noble endeavour?
Thirdly, we’re the ones who gave you possibly the greatest gift in the history of mankind: Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Sure, you guys had to elect him, but we were the first ones to spot his potential. Unlike his new-found friends, we embraced him when he was just the much-maligned chief minister of Gujarat. We were the untiring evangelists that put him on the map. Even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, we fought for him and defended him.
Ain’t No Mountain High, Ain’t No Valley Low
We were the ones who posted positive comments on all articles that mentioned him. We were the ones who yelled at Indian journalists and television anchors on Twitter until they blocked us. We fought college professors, work colleagues, essay writers, liberal-arts students, random tourists, and our fast-food delivery guy just because we disagreed with their opinion about Modi. We ended relationships if we detected insufficient support for him from our significant others. We stopped talking to childhood friends when they posted Facebook updates not totally complimentary to our lord and saviour. No cost was too much for us to pay!
You think we did all this for us? No! We wouldn’t benefit from Mr Modi’s victory in any direct way. We did all this because of our selfless love for you! We just wanted to see the place of our origin get the leader that it deserves! In fact, I would have personally come down to join Mr. Modi’s campaign to lead India into the twenty-first century and show the western imperialists that they can’t keep us down anymore but Goldman Sachs offered me a job and I took that instead.
We Will Rock You
Anyway, May 16 was just a semi-final. The real finale of our movement will take place in Madison Square Garden on the September 28 when we hold a reception for the greatest Prime Minister in the history of the world. This is not just an ordinary meeting. This is bigger deal than a Barbara Streisand concert in San Francisco. This is more monumental than Moses appearing at a retirees convention in Florida. This is more historic than Charles DeGaulle visiting Paris for the first time after the liberation of France. The ovation will be louder than Springsteen receives in Jersey. In fact, this is like Lord Ram coming back to Ayodhya after his 14-year exile. It doesn’t get any bigger than this!
Afterward his concert, he’s going to be welcomed to the White House like a conquering hero! You could sense this moment coming when the Obama administration wished Modi a couple of hundred times on his victory in the election. They were like Indian relatives who spend a lifetime ignoring you and then pretend to be your closest kin once you hit the big time. Now, at their dinner, Obama’s going to be eating humble pie while Modi’s going to be feasting on silence.
I hope you always remember that we made Narendra Modi happen! Not you. No. You were just a small cog in the wheel. We were the early adopters. We were the pioneers. We bore the brunt of all the sneering. So, maybe, next time we visit, show a little appreciation for our existence. Put a spring in your step when you come to pick us up at the airport. Don’t keep passive-aggressively commenting about the amount of luggage we’re carrying. Try not to look offended when we give you a gift we bought at the dollar store.
Most importantly, don’t argue with us about politics. Because we know what’s good for you even before you do.
We welcome your comments at
letters@scroll.in.
I speak to you from the shores of the perhaps the second-greatest country in the world ‒ after India, of course ‒ the United States of America. When you read that, I know what you’re thinking! Here’s another wealthy, narcissistic NRI douchenozzle with lots of time on his hands who thinks that people in India desperately want to pick his mind and are eagerly awaiting any words of wisdom that he can share with them. But that’s not all true! I’m not wealthy. Not in the classical sense. Sure, I’m well-to-do, live in a large house situated in a great suburban neighbourhood and pay less taxes than my secretary, but it doesn’t mean I have money to burn. Come on, I don’t even have my own airplane with a private hangar yet. At best, I’m “affluent.”
Anyway, I’m not here to discuss my finances. At least not overtly. I’m better than that. Classy people like me let everyone know how wealthy we are not by discussing money like a vulgar middle-class person, but by name-dropping things that we love. So, as I type this on my limited edition gold plated Macbook Pro while sipping some San Pellegrino, I want you to put away your prejudice against people like me and listen to what I have to say.
The Way You Make Me Feel
Now, have you considered the fact that you’re being a tad bit ungrateful to my people? We’ve done pretty good things for you over the years! I’m not saying you bow down in reverence every time we deign to award you with our presence, but a small show of gratitude would be welcome.
I’m not the sort of person who maintains a spreadsheet to keep track of good things he’s done for other people, but it seems like someone needs to be reminded of how much they’ve benefited from this relationship.
First of all, who do you think built up your currency reserves? Do you think your industry developed so much that you went from zero to hundreds of billions of dollars in one go? Nope. It was us. We sent you the money. Actually, we sent the money to our family living in India because we didn’t really have time for them so we figured that material things were a good replacement. We’re pretty sure that the sofa they bought with the money we sent them loves them more than we do. But all the money we sent made you one of the few cash-rich countries in the world!
The Kids Are Alright
Secondly, who do you think keeps the stereotype of “the intelligent Indian” alive? Let’s face it. Not many foreigners who come back after visiting India have good things to say. So the onus is on us to generate some positive buzz for the dot people. And we take our responsibility quite seriously! For example, do you think those kids who win all the spelling-bee competitions are born with the natural affinity for spelling and grammar? Ha! Do you know how much money and manpower goes into each champion? Do you even realise how much we have to give up to make that possible? Even our children aren’t immune to making sacrifices. They end up renouncing everything that makes being a child a wonderful experience, just so that they keep their eye on the goal. Some of them are so committed to the project that they make their parents buy them special tapes that spell out difficult words so that they can keep learning even when they’re asleep. Have any of you dedicated your life to such a noble endeavour?
Thirdly, we’re the ones who gave you possibly the greatest gift in the history of mankind: Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Sure, you guys had to elect him, but we were the first ones to spot his potential. Unlike his new-found friends, we embraced him when he was just the much-maligned chief minister of Gujarat. We were the untiring evangelists that put him on the map. Even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, we fought for him and defended him.
Ain’t No Mountain High, Ain’t No Valley Low
We were the ones who posted positive comments on all articles that mentioned him. We were the ones who yelled at Indian journalists and television anchors on Twitter until they blocked us. We fought college professors, work colleagues, essay writers, liberal-arts students, random tourists, and our fast-food delivery guy just because we disagreed with their opinion about Modi. We ended relationships if we detected insufficient support for him from our significant others. We stopped talking to childhood friends when they posted Facebook updates not totally complimentary to our lord and saviour. No cost was too much for us to pay!
You think we did all this for us? No! We wouldn’t benefit from Mr Modi’s victory in any direct way. We did all this because of our selfless love for you! We just wanted to see the place of our origin get the leader that it deserves! In fact, I would have personally come down to join Mr. Modi’s campaign to lead India into the twenty-first century and show the western imperialists that they can’t keep us down anymore but Goldman Sachs offered me a job and I took that instead.
We Will Rock You
Anyway, May 16 was just a semi-final. The real finale of our movement will take place in Madison Square Garden on the September 28 when we hold a reception for the greatest Prime Minister in the history of the world. This is not just an ordinary meeting. This is bigger deal than a Barbara Streisand concert in San Francisco. This is more monumental than Moses appearing at a retirees convention in Florida. This is more historic than Charles DeGaulle visiting Paris for the first time after the liberation of France. The ovation will be louder than Springsteen receives in Jersey. In fact, this is like Lord Ram coming back to Ayodhya after his 14-year exile. It doesn’t get any bigger than this!
Afterward his concert, he’s going to be welcomed to the White House like a conquering hero! You could sense this moment coming when the Obama administration wished Modi a couple of hundred times on his victory in the election. They were like Indian relatives who spend a lifetime ignoring you and then pretend to be your closest kin once you hit the big time. Now, at their dinner, Obama’s going to be eating humble pie while Modi’s going to be feasting on silence.
I hope you always remember that we made Narendra Modi happen! Not you. No. You were just a small cog in the wheel. We were the early adopters. We were the pioneers. We bore the brunt of all the sneering. So, maybe, next time we visit, show a little appreciation for our existence. Put a spring in your step when you come to pick us up at the airport. Don’t keep passive-aggressively commenting about the amount of luggage we’re carrying. Try not to look offended when we give you a gift we bought at the dollar store.
Most importantly, don’t argue with us about politics. Because we know what’s good for you even before you do.