This morning, about 45,000 people gathered at Rajpath, spread their yoga mats on the road in an orderly fashion and did about 35 minutes of yoga following a session conducted by our beloved leader himself. While my immediate concern is whether Salman Khan, Jahnvi Gadkar and Manish Sisodia’s driver were planning on having a drag race anywhere in the vicinity, the patriot in me has pushed my fears aside and galvanised me into coming up with bespoke yogasanas ideal for my brethren from various fields.
1. Brand-tiraskar-asana (Endorsement-No-No-Pose)
This one is suitable for actors, sportspersons and anyone who falls under the category of celebrity.
The starting point is the standard Padmasana. This is followed by sticking both your hands out to the right and doing the windshield wiper move with your palms upraised (the ancient yogic mudra that says “Sorry, no can do”) while your head moves left to right reinforcing the sentiment of the hand movement. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat on the left side.
Ideal for rejecting endorsement offers from dubious noodle, evil fairness cream and diabolical real estate brands. Also, easier to do than Incarcer-asana, which involves yoga mats in jail.
2. Mouna-mic-asana (No-Boring-Speech Pose)
This one is suitable for writers or those who get to speak at large gatherings. Props required: one wireless microphone dipped in sewage overnight, one hardback book, one helper.
The asana is quite simple. Spread a yoga mat on the floor. Put a stage chair on it. Seat yourself on it in loose-fitting FabIndia clothes. Take microphone dipped in sewage, hold it near your nose and breathe in through left nostril, hold for five seconds, breathe out through right nostril. Do 10 reps and reverse nostrils. Have assistant beat you on the head with the hardback when you are holding your breath.
Ideal for clearing mental fog and making one realise how boring, pointless and self-aggrandising one’s speeches are. A radical cure for mic hogging. There are cases where writers who have been completely cured of going to lit fests after doing this asana for a year.
3. Obviously-na-prayogasana (Learn-More-Words Pose)
This one is meant for all Indian cricketers playing for the country, state or league. Props required: a TV camera, inappropriately clad anchor with mic.
Start by wearing your uniform, stand in front of the camera and have the anchor ask you questions, keep your right hand in hook pose near your gullet. Answer question naturally, and any time the word ‘obviously’ comes out, squeeze your gullet with all your strength. Strangle the word. Breathe in and out. Repeat. If you begin looking like Narayana Murthy, don’t worry. That is a common side effect. Repeated performance of this asana will completely eliminate the word "obviously" from your vocabulary.
Ideal for removing platitudinous, monosyllabic responses from cricketers. Will help them concentrate on question asked instead of allowing the mind to wander to cheerleaders, after parties and endorsement fees.
4. Na-copy-asana (Respect-IP-Rights Pose)
This one is ideal for music composers, filmmakers and people in creative fields in our country. To be done with minor tweaking depending on the field. Props required: soundproof room, music system, latest international hits.
Begin by taking a deep breath. Stand with hands and legs together and lift left leg slowly while bending torso to be in line with the lifted leg. Slowly fold hands in a Namaste so that leg, trunk and arms are parallel to the ground. Play international hits that are topping charts around the world in a loop. Any time the urge to lift tune occurs, lift the other leg. You will naturally fall on your face. Breathe in. Hold for three seconds. Breathe out. Repeat with other leg.
Ideal for making Indian creative types understand and respect originality. Repeated practice of this asana will remove the pathological Indian need to copy.
5. Jargon-na-prayog-asana (The-Sushi-Butt Pose)
This one is Ideal for IT types and MBAs. Props required: extra-large Japanese sumo wrestler in a kimono.
This one is very simple. Adopt standard Padmasana pose and breathe deeply. Inhale through left nostril, hold for five seconds, exhale through right nostril. The only variation is that the large Japanese sumo wrestler will be standing 6’’ from your nose, opening and closing the kimono in five second intervals. First with a front view, then with a back view.
Ideal for eliminating phrases like "open the kimono", "boiling the frog", "low-hanging fruit", "out of the box", "blue sky thinking" and other senseless jargon from your vocabulary.
6. Dush-Pee-Pee-Dhwanshasana or Mahila Samrakshasana (Soft-On Pose)
Meant for godmen, businessmen, lawyers and powerful men who have vulnerable women in their vicinity. Props required: specially made waterproof underwear, large supply of ice cubes.
Wear underwear with specially-made pouch in the crotch area that can be filled with ice cubes. Adopt standard Padmasana pose. Wag finger in a rhythmic manner at offending area and say "Bad boy!" breathe in, say "Down, boy!" breathe out. For the more stubborn candidates, the words "Will chop you off, boy!" can be used, too.
Ideal for eliminating unwanted libido in hygienically challenged senior males (formerly known as dirty old men). Also, easier to do than becoming the prop in jail for the very popular Bumboo-asana.
7. Ati-Niyama-Nishta-Kejri-asana (Moral-High-Horse Pose)
Ideal for anyone aspiring to be a Paragon of Virtue. Props required: rocking horse, muffler, cloth cap, toothbrush moustache (optional).
Wrap muffler around your neck, put on cloth cap, stick moustache on and carefully mount rocking horse. Fold hands in front of you, fix meaningless smile on your face, gently rock the horse and breathe in through left nostril, hold for 5 seconds, cough violently out. Repeat 15 times. Now do the same with right nostril. Between reps, kick (out) anyone who says you are wrong.
Ideal for becoming a virtuous, honest and ordinary person who is even more moral than Aamir Khan.
8. Lajja-vapas-asana (Shame-Shame-Puppy-Shame Pose)
Meant for big businessmen/netas who have cheated the public, their employees, investors, creditors and people who have trusted them and continue to zip around in their private jets. Prop required: room full of mirrors.
Take off all your clothes and look at yourself. From all angles. Pretend you are in the boardroom, at a press conference, receiving an award, and adopt suitable poses. Breathe in and breathe out. Your inner evil, duplicitous, shameless self will become visible to you as your cellulite, warts, triple chins, liver spots, bunions and eye bags. You will begin to vomit spontaneously in 15 minutes. Repeat every day till you’ve rid yourself of all toxins.
Ideal for the shame-challenged. This asana will restore your ability to flinch, recoil, shudder, suffer a pang, etc.
9. Rajinaamasana or Yensrini-asana (Bum-Glue-Breaker Pose)
Meant for those finding it hard to give up their positions. Put both your hands on your seat and wiggle, worry, shove and manoeuvre fingers into the non-existent space between your butt and the seat. Breathe in, push fingers, breathe out. Repeat till both palms are fully sandwiched between your butt and the seat. You will hear a cracking noise. Don’t worry. It is the hardened glue giving way. In one swift motion, yank hands upwards vertically to fling stubborn butt off the chair. Then, holding right hand firmly with the left (or vice versa, if you’re a southpaw), make right hand sign the resignation letter. Hold pose for two minutes. March out, never to return.
Ideal for those who have been in one place for so long that they think it is theirs forever.
10. Self-ungli-asana (I-Am-The-Nation Pose)
This one is ideal for television journalists who are used to asking hard questions of everyone. Adopt standard Padmasana pose. Turn both hands towards yourself with index fingers sticking out. Stab each alternately just short of your eyes while you breathe out, moving them away as you breathe in while yelling "the nation wants to know" and "your own full name" by turn. Setting your yoga mat on fire optional.
Ideal for reducing simulated high blood pressure and restoring journalistic balance.
***
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli has written two novels – Ice Boys in Bell-Bottoms and Jump Cut – and a play, Dear Anita. His favourite asana is the traditional Shavasana, which he adopts all of Sunday to counter the bespoke Binge-asana of the previous night.
We welcome your comments at
letters@scroll.in.
1. Brand-tiraskar-asana (Endorsement-No-No-Pose)
This one is suitable for actors, sportspersons and anyone who falls under the category of celebrity.
The starting point is the standard Padmasana. This is followed by sticking both your hands out to the right and doing the windshield wiper move with your palms upraised (the ancient yogic mudra that says “Sorry, no can do”) while your head moves left to right reinforcing the sentiment of the hand movement. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat on the left side.
Ideal for rejecting endorsement offers from dubious noodle, evil fairness cream and diabolical real estate brands. Also, easier to do than Incarcer-asana, which involves yoga mats in jail.
2. Mouna-mic-asana (No-Boring-Speech Pose)
This one is suitable for writers or those who get to speak at large gatherings. Props required: one wireless microphone dipped in sewage overnight, one hardback book, one helper.
The asana is quite simple. Spread a yoga mat on the floor. Put a stage chair on it. Seat yourself on it in loose-fitting FabIndia clothes. Take microphone dipped in sewage, hold it near your nose and breathe in through left nostril, hold for five seconds, breathe out through right nostril. Do 10 reps and reverse nostrils. Have assistant beat you on the head with the hardback when you are holding your breath.
Ideal for clearing mental fog and making one realise how boring, pointless and self-aggrandising one’s speeches are. A radical cure for mic hogging. There are cases where writers who have been completely cured of going to lit fests after doing this asana for a year.
3. Obviously-na-prayogasana (Learn-More-Words Pose)
This one is meant for all Indian cricketers playing for the country, state or league. Props required: a TV camera, inappropriately clad anchor with mic.
Start by wearing your uniform, stand in front of the camera and have the anchor ask you questions, keep your right hand in hook pose near your gullet. Answer question naturally, and any time the word ‘obviously’ comes out, squeeze your gullet with all your strength. Strangle the word. Breathe in and out. Repeat. If you begin looking like Narayana Murthy, don’t worry. That is a common side effect. Repeated performance of this asana will completely eliminate the word "obviously" from your vocabulary.
Ideal for removing platitudinous, monosyllabic responses from cricketers. Will help them concentrate on question asked instead of allowing the mind to wander to cheerleaders, after parties and endorsement fees.
4. Na-copy-asana (Respect-IP-Rights Pose)
This one is ideal for music composers, filmmakers and people in creative fields in our country. To be done with minor tweaking depending on the field. Props required: soundproof room, music system, latest international hits.
Begin by taking a deep breath. Stand with hands and legs together and lift left leg slowly while bending torso to be in line with the lifted leg. Slowly fold hands in a Namaste so that leg, trunk and arms are parallel to the ground. Play international hits that are topping charts around the world in a loop. Any time the urge to lift tune occurs, lift the other leg. You will naturally fall on your face. Breathe in. Hold for three seconds. Breathe out. Repeat with other leg.
Ideal for making Indian creative types understand and respect originality. Repeated practice of this asana will remove the pathological Indian need to copy.
5. Jargon-na-prayog-asana (The-Sushi-Butt Pose)
This one is Ideal for IT types and MBAs. Props required: extra-large Japanese sumo wrestler in a kimono.
This one is very simple. Adopt standard Padmasana pose and breathe deeply. Inhale through left nostril, hold for five seconds, exhale through right nostril. The only variation is that the large Japanese sumo wrestler will be standing 6’’ from your nose, opening and closing the kimono in five second intervals. First with a front view, then with a back view.
Ideal for eliminating phrases like "open the kimono", "boiling the frog", "low-hanging fruit", "out of the box", "blue sky thinking" and other senseless jargon from your vocabulary.
6. Dush-Pee-Pee-Dhwanshasana or Mahila Samrakshasana (Soft-On Pose)
Meant for godmen, businessmen, lawyers and powerful men who have vulnerable women in their vicinity. Props required: specially made waterproof underwear, large supply of ice cubes.
Wear underwear with specially-made pouch in the crotch area that can be filled with ice cubes. Adopt standard Padmasana pose. Wag finger in a rhythmic manner at offending area and say "Bad boy!" breathe in, say "Down, boy!" breathe out. For the more stubborn candidates, the words "Will chop you off, boy!" can be used, too.
Ideal for eliminating unwanted libido in hygienically challenged senior males (formerly known as dirty old men). Also, easier to do than becoming the prop in jail for the very popular Bumboo-asana.
7. Ati-Niyama-Nishta-Kejri-asana (Moral-High-Horse Pose)
Ideal for anyone aspiring to be a Paragon of Virtue. Props required: rocking horse, muffler, cloth cap, toothbrush moustache (optional).
Wrap muffler around your neck, put on cloth cap, stick moustache on and carefully mount rocking horse. Fold hands in front of you, fix meaningless smile on your face, gently rock the horse and breathe in through left nostril, hold for 5 seconds, cough violently out. Repeat 15 times. Now do the same with right nostril. Between reps, kick (out) anyone who says you are wrong.
Ideal for becoming a virtuous, honest and ordinary person who is even more moral than Aamir Khan.
8. Lajja-vapas-asana (Shame-Shame-Puppy-Shame Pose)
Meant for big businessmen/netas who have cheated the public, their employees, investors, creditors and people who have trusted them and continue to zip around in their private jets. Prop required: room full of mirrors.
Take off all your clothes and look at yourself. From all angles. Pretend you are in the boardroom, at a press conference, receiving an award, and adopt suitable poses. Breathe in and breathe out. Your inner evil, duplicitous, shameless self will become visible to you as your cellulite, warts, triple chins, liver spots, bunions and eye bags. You will begin to vomit spontaneously in 15 minutes. Repeat every day till you’ve rid yourself of all toxins.
Ideal for the shame-challenged. This asana will restore your ability to flinch, recoil, shudder, suffer a pang, etc.
9. Rajinaamasana or Yensrini-asana (Bum-Glue-Breaker Pose)
Meant for those finding it hard to give up their positions. Put both your hands on your seat and wiggle, worry, shove and manoeuvre fingers into the non-existent space between your butt and the seat. Breathe in, push fingers, breathe out. Repeat till both palms are fully sandwiched between your butt and the seat. You will hear a cracking noise. Don’t worry. It is the hardened glue giving way. In one swift motion, yank hands upwards vertically to fling stubborn butt off the chair. Then, holding right hand firmly with the left (or vice versa, if you’re a southpaw), make right hand sign the resignation letter. Hold pose for two minutes. March out, never to return.
Ideal for those who have been in one place for so long that they think it is theirs forever.
10. Self-ungli-asana (I-Am-The-Nation Pose)
This one is ideal for television journalists who are used to asking hard questions of everyone. Adopt standard Padmasana pose. Turn both hands towards yourself with index fingers sticking out. Stab each alternately just short of your eyes while you breathe out, moving them away as you breathe in while yelling "the nation wants to know" and "your own full name" by turn. Setting your yoga mat on fire optional.
Ideal for reducing simulated high blood pressure and restoring journalistic balance.
***
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli has written two novels – Ice Boys in Bell-Bottoms and Jump Cut – and a play, Dear Anita. His favourite asana is the traditional Shavasana, which he adopts all of Sunday to counter the bespoke Binge-asana of the previous night.
