Elijah Daniel has saved the Internet.
There’re only so many ways to retaliate against the insufferable
American election dramedy we will be subjected to until November. The onslaught
of Donald Trump quotes, manifestos, and speeches have twisted our souls and
significantly lowered our expectations for the growth of humanity.
But once you’re done with all the grunting, giggles, and surviving the linguistic apocalypse that was Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech, what then? Whimper and get off the Internet until the end of the year? Hell no.
Elijah Daniel has proved the pen mighty once again. It is indeed mightier than any slippery, soggy Trump tongue. This committed 22-year old comedian and writer promised his fans that he would get inebriated enough to write an erotic Donald Trump novella in 24 hours flat (writers take note, when there is a will there is way). In one night he wrote a 20-page novella that shot up the sales charts on Amazon and possibly increased bell boy job applications manifold in the US.
What’s this book?
Presenting Trump Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bell Boy, an erotic fantasy novel that mildly winks at the Fifty Shades series. “How should my character meet trump?” Asks Daniel on a Twitter poll. “Drunk in a casino” and “helicopter pilot” were a few options followers could pick from, but ultimately it was the “bell boy” that won, and had the opportunity to revel in Donald’s pancake-textured arms. This novella just wouldn’t have been possible without the support of Daniel’s fans who answered his questions late into the night.
In the book, unsuspecting Bell Boy Elijah is doing an internship at the Trump Hotel, Hong Kong, and is lucky enough to serve Mr Trump himself. It all starts with our main character minding his own business and stacking tacky luggage in the hotel, when the door sweeps open to reveal our hero, Mr Trump.
“The scent of toupee adhesive and spray tan swept through my nasal cavities.”
The small-town bell boy is in awe of dashing Donald being mere centimetres from his body, and likens his spray-tan orange skin to a soggy Cheeto. As he watches Trump’s rear end, the author can’t help but flourish his prose with literary expertise and metaphor. He compares the flapping of Trump’s gorgeous ass to “a stack of mouthwatering pancakes”.
Why read this book?
Elijah Daniel questions the sanity of any person who buys his book and warns his readers at the very beginning that it was written in all of four hours and in fact is a very bad work of fiction. I guess that’s why my writing professors said that an honest writer always wins. Because his honesty has paved way for mass adulation.
People cheered him on until he submitted it to Amazon the very same night. It was approved almost instantly. His book cover features a close-up of Donald Trump’s crumpled face and a bell boy who has taken risqué liberty with his costume. An assortment of BDSM toys lay on the hotel bed in the background, invoking our most shameful Trump thoughts (we all have them, it’s ok).
Five minutes after the ebook became available, at $1.99, there were 50 purchases, followed by a plethora of happy customers giving top reviews. For some the book even reignited the hope of Trump’s truly changing America.
“After reading this sensual and tawdry account of Mr Trump’s escapades in Hong Kong, I’m convinced he can make America great again one bellboy at a time.” This glowing report proves that fiction has the ability to restore energy and zeal to a nation of media-fatigued zombies.
It’s also converted many members of a growing majority of non-readers into booklovers.
“Incredible. I haven’t read a book since school, but this was well worth breaking my streak. I sure do wish that I could have made a book report on this!”
Let it be known that the book is a breezy read with only four chapters, perfect for us millennials who can’t get ourselves to read sentences more than six seconds at a time. The climax builds up with nuanced sexual tension and surprises us just as much as the young American who just realised he can’t ever pay off his student loan. Like all good literature, the ending of The Billionaire and the Bell Boy is both unexpected and inevitable.
Meanwhile Trump blocked poor Elijah from following him on Twitter. The Trump trumpeters haven’t made a public comment on the book yet. We hear Daniel has pledged to write a full length novel trilogy if his original literary gem sells some more. The fun never sets on Donald Trump.