They meet. Sparks fly. They fall in love. But wait, challenges loom! They make it! A sigh of relief. All is well and they live the rest of their lives in bliss. Great! Now what?
Most stories are fuelled by the concept of a “happily ever after”. The idea that “the one” is going to erase all past hurt and insecurities, or, better still, accept and love you despite them. All these stories leave you with the promise that there's nothing but happiness ahead.
Alain de Botton’s Course of Love is more realistic. The British philosopher, writer and the founder of the educational organisation School of Life has made a career out of waxing eloquent about love and its intricacies. In the past, through his essays and stories, he has busted myths about “true love” and brought the entire experience a little bit closer to earth. His Essays In Love, another work of fiction, had dealt with falling and, more importantly, staying in love.
The triteness of truth
His latest book, however, increasingly reads like many of the conversations you might have had with the elders of your tribe about marriage and relationships – “Love is not enough. You have to work to make a marriage work”, “Get married! So what if you’re not in love? At least you won’t be alone” – because the notion of true, unassuming, conquer-all love (or nothing at all) is an affliction commonly suffered only by the last few generations.
In Course of Love we meet Rabih and Kirsten, two souls with a troubled childhood, but a respectably average present. Rabih lost his mother to liver cancer when he was 12. Kirsten survived her father walking out on her and her mother while she was just 10. Their hopes, fears, decisions, and personalities have been shaped by these incidents.
But they are not dramatic people. They have their quirks, but are as normal as most of us can manage. We follow their story as they meet, fall in love, get married, have children, succumb to infidelity, seek couple’s therapy and yet manage to live out their ever afters.
Their lives, so firmly rooted in the little problems and everyday squabbles, represent the larger questions that we ask ourselves every day. Who are we? Why are we the way we are? Do we really love our partner or is it just the idea of love that we are holding on to?
Rooted in reality
Even as you begin reading, you’re aware this is not a fairytale love story. The characters are too real. This feeling is only strengthened when after every few paragraphs you see (in italics to mark its departure from the fictional narrative) Botton’s commentary on Rabih and Kirsten’s actions.
And so their first kiss is offset by an “Our understanding of love has been hijacked and beguiled by its first distractingly moving moments” from Botton. The narration of the first time Rabih and Kirsten make love is cut short by Botton to inform us that “sexiness… is about acceptance and the promise of an end to loneliness and shame”.
The final nail in the coffin of “love” is Botton’s definition of marriage: “A deeply peculiar and ultimately unkind thing to inflict on anyone one claims to care for”. This idea of marriage resonates with many currently in their 30s and cynical about the supposedly life-long institution. The post-millennials deal in extremes. There are those who patiently wait for true love, while another set hold no faith in permanency. Botton, through his work, argues that the secret to a happy life lies somewhere in the middle.
Botton’s narrative – poetic without being pretentious and unfailingly seamless – makes Course of Love a breezy read. The characters, who are highly relatable, draw you into their lives with the challenges, miseries and joys of their extremely mediocre existence, which is (unlike in great romance novels) unmarked by any big, gruesome calamities.
This is one of the more realistic texts on marriage – the institution romanticised only to a believable extent. However, the wait for something original to be said is a long one. Though not entirely devoid of profound moments, Course of Love mostly deals in clichés, using storytelling to impart age-old advice.
Witty in parts and never over-sentimental, Course of Love argues that you can only find real love when you discard whatever notion of love you hold. Marriages will never work from day one, but maybe, just maybe, 15 years down the line, there will come a day when you might wake up ready for your marriage.