Hello minions,

We would like to thank you for all your comments on our new headphones. We’ve heard your concerns, and here’s what we’re going to do about them: nothing.

That’s right.

We’re going to do absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch.

You think this is a two way street? That y’all get to give us feedback on the products we’re making? Which one of our actions gave you that impression? When have we ever cared about what you think?

In case you’ve forgotten, let us refresh your memory about how things go: We think of a product. Then we make it. We introduce it in a boring presentation. And you applaud and you drool and you stand in line for hours outside our stores to buy it.

No step in that algorithm involves asking for your opinion on things. Seriously, you’re going to tell us about tech? Really? The same people who bought a watch from us that cost hundreds of dollars and did everything except tell you the time? We could put an Apple logo on a Nokia phone from the 1990s and market it as an ode to minimalism and you would sell one of your kidneys for a chance to buy it. And you want to give us advice?

Don’t forget, we’re the geniuses here. Your only job is to buy our products and tell us how great they are. We add a functionality that other phones have had since 2003 and you play along and pretend that we were the ones that invented it. We put songs by Bono into your phone and force you to listen to them and you tell us that that experiencing those songs was a profound and life-changing moment in your life.

So when we tell you that you don’t need earphones anymore you nod along and complain about how you could never get the wires untangled anyway. You wonder out loud why no one has ever thought of making a bluetooth headset before Apple came up with the idea. You buy the new iPhone 7 along with a set of Apple Airpods™ with a huge smile on your face.

Changing the world

When we do something like eliminate the headphone jack, we’re changing the world. We’re ushering in a new era of communication. Do you want to be the person who holds back progress because you still like the old way of doing things? You have to decide whether you want to be on the right side of history. Whether you want to be a complainer or a pioneer.

So what if you’re a person who easily loses tiny things like our new Apple Airpods™? Just buy a couple of extra sets even if it means you not having enough money for rent or food or whatever unpleasant sustenance needs you humans have that we couldn’t give a rat’s ass about.

Otherwise, what choice do you have? Are you not going to get the latest iPhone? Then how are you going to fill that hole in your heart that is always desperate to find some way to make you feel superior to other people? How will you convince yourself that you have the upper hand because of the Apple device in your grubby paws? Are you going to still be using last year’s phone? Or worse, get an Android? How very bohemian of you.

Listen up, you pathetic excuse for an adult. We own you. We add colour to the grey clouds of sadness that surround you. We give your empty life a little meaning. We give you that rare feeling of genuine happiness that you experience when you encounter a person actually impressed with your choice of phone. We’re the best thing that ever happened to you.

So stop complaining, get out your credit card and get in line.

Those iPhones aren’t going to sell out themselves.