Have you got the memo yet? Never mind Carlos Brathwaite’s stunning four consecutive sixes in the World Twenty20 final at Kolkata last Sunday, never mind that West Indies won their second World Twenty20 title, never mind that a global tournament just took place. As far as cricket is concerned, nothing is more important than the VIVO Indian Premier League 2016, which starts on April 9.

Wait a second, where did the VIVO come from, you might ask. Wasn’t the name of a major soft drink company in the title earlier? It’s alright, don’t break your head over it. But if you insist... PepsiCo was supposed to be the title sponsor till 2018, but they kind of decided to exit the IPL midway through their five-year contract. There is speculation that it was because of a couple of spot-fixing scandals which happened, and they probably weren’t too thrilled when a Supreme Court-appointed committee decided to probe the IPL. But who cares? We got ourselves a replacement, so just remember to say “VIVO IPL“ and think about mobile phones now rather than the aerated drink.

No more whistling

It’s the ninth edition of the season so everything is hunky-dory. Wait, what, you want to join the fun and do some “Whistle Podu”? Err...sorry, but that might be a problem this season. No, nothing too big, but two-time champions Chennai Super Kings were suspended by the Justice Lodha committee a few months ago. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find a way to get out of that mess so we had to ensure that they remained off the records at least until 2018.

And since we’re on the subject of bad news, maybe it’s best to also let you know that you won’t be seeing the Rajasthan Royals as well this season. Umm, yes, they were suspended too. Some of their players got involved in a teensy bit of spot-fixing and people got quite angry. Oh, you heard about that as well... yes, their owner Raj Kundra was also found guilty of betting and was banned for life. But don’t worry, we took the harshest possible decision... Rajasthan Royals won’t be able to play the IPL for two seasons now.

In their place, we’ve got two new teams. No, it wouldn’t have made sense to have teams in Chennai and Rajasthan as it would have become too confusing, no? Are you asking whom fans of Chennai and Rajasthan will support now? Oh come on, they can just support two of the new teams, can’t they? I mean, as long as they watch some huge sixes and a few on-field brawls, why does anyone really care anyway?

All is well

One of these teams is called the... wait for it... Rising Pune Super Giants. The other new team is the less flamboyant sounding Gujarat Lions. Hey, come on, those names are better than Kochi Tuskers Kerala. But coming back, so yes, those teams will be there for this year and the next one, after which we’ll probably summarily tell them to get lost and welcome Chennai and Rajasthan back into the fold again. Alternatively, we may ask the Pune and Gujarat owners to buy new teams again, which you’ll agree, is completely fair.

They’ve got the best personnel too. We decided to take some of Chennai and Rajasthan’s best players and give them to the two teams on a draft basis. Why didn’t we give the new teams players from some of the other franchises? Well, that would have been unfair to them, no, since they’ve had their players for so long. No, I’m sorry, I really can’t see your point about how these two new franchises have automatically started off on an unequal footing. In any case, they should just stop complaining and be grateful for the fact that they’re part of India’s biggest tamasha.

The cheerleaders are on their way to dance in the Indian summer and this time, we’ll ensure that they don’t get to talk about the not-so great things of their job like last time. Yes, there’s a little trouble in the courts still – it seems the Bombay High Court isn’t particularly happy that we’re playing matches in Maharashtra amid a severe drought in the state. But, don’t worry about the mundane stuff, we know how to push it under the...solve it, we meant. Just buy your tickets and watch, with sweat dripping from your foreheads, as we turn up the volume and make your eardrums ache with the latest Honey Singh superhit.

See you soon!