For those not familiar with her already, Carmen Sandiego was the master-thief and chief antagonist in a series of educational video games titled "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" created in the 1980s. The game involved Sandiego's going on a rampage across the world, stealing national treasures, landmarks, artefacts and even whole cities, leaving barely a trace.
The game-player's mission was to find the elusive criminal, by which time they would have traversed (and lost) most of the world, gaining valuable geography and cultural lessons, but inevitably finishing second to the most skilful of all operators.
Wayne Rooney – former talismanic striker, attacking midfielder, central midfielder and right winger for Manchester United – has left many a defender feeling much the same way over the years. Educated, but chastened. Experienced, but comprehensively defeated. Where in the world is Wayne Rooney?
Oh, he’s controlling a swirling long ball with a feather touch, defying logic. Ah, he’s charging into the box to smash the ball home, having started a sweeping counter attack near his own box just 12 seconds ago. Uh oh, he’s got a shooting opportunity from 30 yards out. There he is, turning on a sixpence, leaving the defender gaping. He’s volleying, twisting, turning, scissor-kicking, pinging, spraying, tackling, harrying, winning.
At 17, Rooney was displaying technique and raw, unadulterated power beyond his years. And he would continue to do so for the next decade.
Where is Wayne Rooney, you’d ask. He’s everywhere, you’d know.
So where is that Wayne Rooney now? Who is this confused, listless, frankly poor footballer trudging through games as if completing an astoundingly boring chore? Where does he play? What does he do? The man Arsene Wenger once called a "natural footballer" looks less a footballer than a Space Jam character who has lost all his power to the previously alien feelings of exhaustion, uncertainty and lack of confidence.
The answers probably lie in the decade that has rushed past, and in the extended transition period Manchester United and Rooney have faced in the post-Alex Ferguson years.
He grew up when no one was looking
A starring role in attack was no more than Rooney’s prodigious talent deserved when he moved to Old Trafford in 2004. He was the focal point for United in the years after Ruud van Nistelrooy’s departure. He thrived in the brilliant Rooney-Tevez-Ronaldo front three, finding acres of space to create and score.
His passing and movement was natural, and operated on the same pure instinct that he relied on for all other facets of his game. Ronaldo’s departure led to his scoring 34 goals in the 2009-'10 season, a feat he repeated a couple of seasons hence.
Rooney was always an impatient, impudent footballer, frequently dropping deep and picking the ball up from a startled team-mate before charging off to create his own unique pattern of play. His remarkable intelligence served him well in his youth, with Ferguson encouraging his teammates to feed off his all-action, exhilarating, and clinical movements. If your memory of the late Ferguson years is a succession of titles and a blur of pacy United attackers, it was undoubtedly down to its catalyst Wayne Rooney.
Amidst all this tumult and wonderment, we forgot that the Man-Child, Boy Wonder, Future Great Wayne Rooney was not quite a boy anymore. United supporters expected miraculous feats, and in the recent barren years, deliverance, from their talisman. Unfortunately, Rooney had aged in front of their eyes, without them realising it. He played against Bayern Munich in the 2010 Champions League semi-final with a massively debilitating ankle injury, one which seems to have nagged him ever since.
A muddle in the middle
As he’s aged and lost a few yards of pace, Rooney has tried to build up his all-round game. The main problem, however, is that his passing, touch and vision had all been cultivated in and around the final third of the pitch, with his split decision-making almost peerless. Indeed, the comparisons to Ronaldo and Messi around 2007-'08 were not completely without basis.
Give Rooney the ball in the centre of the pitch today, and watch the muddled offerings he produces. The passes are either too long or too short. They either lead to moves with a dead-end, or to a counter-attack. The first touch, never the greatest, is shockingly poor at times. The spatial awareness has degenerated. The frequency of mistakes has led to a befuddled shell of a player, a Rooney no-one recognises.
Add to that the managerial roundabouts at Old Trafford in recent seasons. David Moyes was convinced he would be a great No. 10. Roy Hodgson was convinced England’s highest scorer of all time could orchestrate play from the centre of midfield. Louis van Gaal thought much the same. Jose Mourinho scoffed at his predecessor, saying Rooney would never play in midfield, and proceeded to play him just there against Watford.
Indeed, it might just be that Rooney himself has little clue where his best position is anymore.
Is the end near?
Wayne Rooney is a superbly dedicated professional by all accounts. He leads by example in training, has excellent relations with the board and is selfless and charitable.
At 31, he isn’t quite over the hill, but many years of wear and tear seem to have taken their toll on him. A damning statistic from Van Gaal’s last season shows that Rooney played 47 games for United in 2015-'16, before heading to a disastrous campaign at the European Championships in France. Simply put, he was poorly managed, and his body and game are showing the signs.
Mourinho knows better than to leave his captain and virtual figurehead out in the cold, a la Bastian Schweinsteiger. He despatched Iker Casillas two seasons in, and Frank Lampard was given time as well. As public sentiment grows increasingly hysterical and anti-Rooney, the decision to axe him becomes easier for Mourinho to take.
As things stand, his team looks disjointed in attack, with Marcus Rashford being the one bright spot. The Zlatan Ibrahimovic–Paul Pogba–Rooney triumvirate has so far trod on one another’s feet, seeking spaces the other covets. It is still early in the season, and, as Mourinho knows, these three footballers are talented enough to click.
Rooney's teammates are searching desperately for their talisman every week, beseeching him to find himself again. It might be too late, though. And this time, Wayne Mark Rooney might be lost for good.
Abhishek Parameswaran tweets here.