After the defeat in Mohali in the third Test, some of England’s players (who were greater than its parts) wanted to get away. So they got away to Dubai. They posted shiny, happy topless pictures with beer and marina and sun and shades. Excellent acting. Those pictures almost got on Virat Kohli’s nerves – he spoke of holidays between matches when India toured the British Isles next.

After losing in time for Yuvraj Singh’s wedding, England went and lost on Yuvraj’s birthday. After an early finish in Mohali, the Indian team just had to drive down the block to Yuvi’s wedding. Now after the Mumbai Test, the Indians probably headed to Yuvi’s birthday celebration.

But what about the much defeated Englishmen? Where do they go now? It is just a few days before the Chennai Test.


At least, their holidaying will make a dent

Not much has changed for England, so why should their getaway – they should head right back to Dubai. They could have taken the Monday flight out, put in a few nights, photographs and get on to Kohli’s nerves again. If their bowling and catching cannot, at least, the holidaying will make a dent.

If the Chennai Test is washed out, they can head home from there itself. After seeing the emphasis Captain Cook and Anderson have given to home conditions, they sure could do with some of it themselves. Seeing as they do not value the sun, off to grey skies they go. Damp weather for these damp squibs. Which could be either Chennai or London.

Blaming India’s favourable home conditions have really shown England up as red-sore losers. What is that old alibi of every travelling Englishman – Delhi Belly? England should head to the closest street-food stall in Mumbai, attack any food item that looks mildly suspicious, consume it and prepare to be consumed by it. A spicy bhelpuri with extra imli ki chutney is recommended. When it is time for the Chennai Test, not only will they have a strong alibi, but they can be back to their normal form on the pitch.

How to destroy your spinners 101

If all this seems a tad too imaginative to the highly unimaginative Captain Cook, he should head to the nets with Adil Rashid and Moeen Ali. Clearly 108.3 overs was not enough donkey work for his spinners. Not when he had four overworked seamers who chipped in with 64 overs. Yeah, that many. Even His Highness, Joe Root bowled a few when his Supreme Leader, Captain Cook was off the field. But now that Cook’s back, he should whip his spinners back into shape. Over the next few days, just sit back and watch Rashid and Ali get it right. Why did they not use the home conditions? Are they not from these parts?

This might seem a tad severe even for someone like Cook, that too without his old accomplice Andy Flower. Flower, did you say? There is an idea right there. Plan another player’s downfall – someone who was laughing and winking in the dressing room, someone who played an irresponsible shot? Moeen Ali, did you say? Adil Rashid too? Straight to mid-wicket when England was trying to save a game. Once you are done with them bowling another 50 overs in Chennai, why not? By then, they would have dismissed themselves cheaply again. Can always start by sending Ali down the order again, that way he knows what is coming, a homecoming.

And if none of this sounds appealing, they can always head East, to Bangkok. This bunch sure could do with a massage. For those bruised bodies, for those battered egos.