As the pace of governance quickens, more and more things are being banned. At Scroll.in, we value each and every reader, which is why we do not want you to go to jail. Our readership figures suffer. Accordingly, we will be providing you with convenient summaries, written in simple English, to save you from inadvertently indulging in anti-national activities.
Many readers from Mumbai have expressed concerns about the beef ban, although some of them have referred to it as Bombay, which is also prohibited. Just to clarify, the terms “Calcutta” and “Madras” are still permitted, but the term “Bombay” is no longer acceptable. Usage of this term reveals slave-like Western thought process, and possible hankering for beef. We would advise against hankering for beef. We all know you can’t eat cows, because most states have banned it. But by asking for beef, you reveal yourself as the kind of person who might pounce on cows and eat them, given the opportunity. It is only the law that is holding you back. Since most of our cows are roaming the streets, this puts them in extreme jeopardy. So please do not publicise your eating habits. Order beef in restaurants where lighting is poor, so that others cannot see too clearly. While ordering, try to whisper.
Regarding the beef situation in Mumbai – consumption of beef is not against the law. The police cannot pick you up for ordering a steak. What they will want to know is, where did this steak come from? If it came from a buffalo, there is no problem. If it came from a cow, there was always a problem. If it came from a bull or a bullock, now you will face a problem. But I did not slaughter the bull, you may ask, so why are the police now trying to stuff a chilly up my backside? This is because you may not have committed the crime, but you were there, like Deepika Padukone, about whom we will have further discussion.
Ghar wapsi of Christian bulls
Specific individual cases also have to be examined. As far as we can tell, this ban applies only to bulls of Maharashtrian origin. A bull from say, Gujarat, who is smuggled across the border, may not fall under its purview. Similarly, beef curry carried in a tiffin carrier from Goa should be OK. The matter of foreign bulls is more complex. Is a German or a Swiss bull exempt because it is Christian? Or are they victims of Christian aggression, in which case a ghar wapsi programme is required? What about Spain, where bulls are being tortured on a daily basis? War seems to be the only solution. While our submarines and aircraft carriers are under construction, we could start with some quick missile strikes on Madrid. We would advise readers to support such initiatives. To be on the safe side, you could start demanding such action yourself, using hash tags such as #letsbombspain and #germanbullinsulted.
Developments in the past week also show that laughing is injurious to health. Traditionally the state of Maharashtra has been very forward-thinking. Here too, Mumbai is taking the lead. Currently, the police are being mean to Deepika Padukone. Last month, police officers in both Tardeo and Pune filed cases against her, for ‘laughing without a permit’ at the All India Bakchod roast. This is because they have changed their approach to fighting crime. Instead of fighting it directly, they are addressing the root causes. One of these is laughing. It is important to note that Deepika Padukone did not participate in the roast. She merely enjoyed it. This raises a number of serious questions, such as, is it OK to laugh in public? We would advise against it. The police may be watching. There are over one billion people in this country. Whenever you laugh, the chances that you are hurting someone’s sentiments are quite high. This is against the law.
What is this internet?
How did Padukone fare this week? Sadly, not well. She had gone to court to get the FIR against her squashed, but despite everything she has done for us, the court was not fully sympathetic. They have postponed her arrest till March 16, at which point they will hold a hearing.
Also banned this week – anti-national documentaries. The government has ordered the External Affairs Ministry to ensure the prohibition of India’s Daughter across the world. The ministry has sent a strongly worded letter to the Maldives, but apart from this, success has been limited. People worldwide continue to watch it. Even people in India continue to watch it, thanks to an invention called the internet. In response, the government has set up a committee to study this new phenomenon, to be headed by a gazetted officer of the rank of joint secretary. The committee will start to function as soon as they figure out how to set up his e-mail ID.
As engaged, aware citizens, what do these developments mean for us? We should not get bogged down in the minute details of governance. The important thing here is to understand the intention behind each ban. The government cannot do everything. It can only nudge you in the right direction. For example, in the BBC case, the government is sending a simple message. Do not discuss things with foreigners. Sushma Swaraj is already doing this. Carry your pride in your nation like a flag before you, and use it to cover up the parts you do not want others to see.
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Many readers from Mumbai have expressed concerns about the beef ban, although some of them have referred to it as Bombay, which is also prohibited. Just to clarify, the terms “Calcutta” and “Madras” are still permitted, but the term “Bombay” is no longer acceptable. Usage of this term reveals slave-like Western thought process, and possible hankering for beef. We would advise against hankering for beef. We all know you can’t eat cows, because most states have banned it. But by asking for beef, you reveal yourself as the kind of person who might pounce on cows and eat them, given the opportunity. It is only the law that is holding you back. Since most of our cows are roaming the streets, this puts them in extreme jeopardy. So please do not publicise your eating habits. Order beef in restaurants where lighting is poor, so that others cannot see too clearly. While ordering, try to whisper.
Regarding the beef situation in Mumbai – consumption of beef is not against the law. The police cannot pick you up for ordering a steak. What they will want to know is, where did this steak come from? If it came from a buffalo, there is no problem. If it came from a cow, there was always a problem. If it came from a bull or a bullock, now you will face a problem. But I did not slaughter the bull, you may ask, so why are the police now trying to stuff a chilly up my backside? This is because you may not have committed the crime, but you were there, like Deepika Padukone, about whom we will have further discussion.
Ghar wapsi of Christian bulls
Specific individual cases also have to be examined. As far as we can tell, this ban applies only to bulls of Maharashtrian origin. A bull from say, Gujarat, who is smuggled across the border, may not fall under its purview. Similarly, beef curry carried in a tiffin carrier from Goa should be OK. The matter of foreign bulls is more complex. Is a German or a Swiss bull exempt because it is Christian? Or are they victims of Christian aggression, in which case a ghar wapsi programme is required? What about Spain, where bulls are being tortured on a daily basis? War seems to be the only solution. While our submarines and aircraft carriers are under construction, we could start with some quick missile strikes on Madrid. We would advise readers to support such initiatives. To be on the safe side, you could start demanding such action yourself, using hash tags such as #letsbombspain and #germanbullinsulted.
Developments in the past week also show that laughing is injurious to health. Traditionally the state of Maharashtra has been very forward-thinking. Here too, Mumbai is taking the lead. Currently, the police are being mean to Deepika Padukone. Last month, police officers in both Tardeo and Pune filed cases against her, for ‘laughing without a permit’ at the All India Bakchod roast. This is because they have changed their approach to fighting crime. Instead of fighting it directly, they are addressing the root causes. One of these is laughing. It is important to note that Deepika Padukone did not participate in the roast. She merely enjoyed it. This raises a number of serious questions, such as, is it OK to laugh in public? We would advise against it. The police may be watching. There are over one billion people in this country. Whenever you laugh, the chances that you are hurting someone’s sentiments are quite high. This is against the law.
What is this internet?
How did Padukone fare this week? Sadly, not well. She had gone to court to get the FIR against her squashed, but despite everything she has done for us, the court was not fully sympathetic. They have postponed her arrest till March 16, at which point they will hold a hearing.
Also banned this week – anti-national documentaries. The government has ordered the External Affairs Ministry to ensure the prohibition of India’s Daughter across the world. The ministry has sent a strongly worded letter to the Maldives, but apart from this, success has been limited. People worldwide continue to watch it. Even people in India continue to watch it, thanks to an invention called the internet. In response, the government has set up a committee to study this new phenomenon, to be headed by a gazetted officer of the rank of joint secretary. The committee will start to function as soon as they figure out how to set up his e-mail ID.
As engaged, aware citizens, what do these developments mean for us? We should not get bogged down in the minute details of governance. The important thing here is to understand the intention behind each ban. The government cannot do everything. It can only nudge you in the right direction. For example, in the BBC case, the government is sending a simple message. Do not discuss things with foreigners. Sushma Swaraj is already doing this. Carry your pride in your nation like a flag before you, and use it to cover up the parts you do not want others to see.