As the smog covered the night sky, an abandoned office building inside the Jawaharlal Nehru University compound was buzzing with activity. In the laboratory, Ramachandra Guha was trying to Frankenstein the dead body of Jawaharlal Nehru back to life. In the mud room, Romila Thapar and Wendy Doniger were destroying artefacts stolen from ancient Hindu temples. In the conference room, journalists from every media organisation were being trained in gotcha interviews by Karan Thapar. Inside Annexure E, Amartya Sen was teaching a class on ruining a country’s economy using left-wing economics. In the AV room, via teleconference, heads of all Indian non-governmental organisations were receiving marching orders from their bosses at the Ford Foundation. In one of the office suites, agents of the Central Intelligence Agency, Mossad, Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence and the Vatican monitored the entire operation while feasting on sizzling beef steaks made from patriotic Indian cows. It was at this point that a man with the speed of a comet and the light of a thousand stars burst into the building.

“Freeze,” he bellowed.

“Who are you?” they asked him, meekly.

“The name’s Goswami,” the voice boomed. “Arnab Goswami.”

* * *

For the past two years, anti-national forces have been clutching their improperly acquired set of pearls and crying copious amounts of crocodile tears. A random person punches another random person in the face and suddenly democracy is threatened in our country. Waaah, I need a safe space to shout my treacherous slogans against the motherland. Well, boo-frikin-hoo, buddy. Cry me a river.

What these easily spooked wimps need to understand is that there has been a change of guard. The time when the state would keep quiet when you free speech-ed all over its face is over. The current government isn’t led by a silent art exhibit. A real man is in charge now. A man who doesn’t use mere words but speaks through his actions. And this great man isn’t going to tuck you in bed every night and sing you a lullaby while you try to destroy this great land.

That’s right, baby. There’s a new sheriff in town! Actually, he’s not in town most of the time. Just intermittently. But he is always present here in spirit! He just can’t help it, you know. Hey, you try staying at home to attend multiple meetings with Venkaiah Naidu and Nitin Gadkari when you could be out there, filling up concert venues like you’re the second coming of Michael Friggin’ Jackson. Besides, a bit of wanderlust is good for the soul.

It’s always sunny in New Delhi

Anyway, I digress. The point is that there is a new way of doing things. You can dissent, but you have to qualify a few levels before you get there. No more waltzing into Jantar Mantar like you’re an honoured guest at a Punjabi Wedding. No more occupying Ramlila Maidan with a rusty, faux Gandhian having an S&M fetish. From now on, assume that your ability to dissent is an amusement park whose entrance boasts of a sign that says “You Must Be This Patriotic to Criticise The Government” right below a picture of Anupam Kher.

You especially shouldn’t be running your mouth if you belong to a university being funded by the government. We could have spent that subsidy money on something else, like a well-marketed initiative that spectacularly fails to meet its stated goals. But we sent it to you! So instead of exposing yourself to the viewpoint of other people through endless debate, get back into your class and do something constructive. The state needs more human drones for production. The rate of growth isn’t going to raise itself.

Remember, nowadays, publicly declaring your contentious opinion has stopped being good for the nation. So if you’re expressing your disagreement, you’re not practicing your fundamental rights. You’re aiding the enemies of the nation by becoming a barrier on our highway to development.

Of course, you can criticise the government, if you want to. We like to pretend that it’s a free country! But before you do that, let me introduce you to our friends in the Right Wing Smear Machine. Our representatives are always standing by! And by the time they’re done with you, you’ll be praying for us to book you under sedition just to have a secure place to hide.

Time to Get in Formation

As we speak, our fine group of well-compensated, voluntary patriots are going through your life with a fine comb. Here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to end up reducing you to whatever attribute we hate about you; your religion, your caste, your profession, your place of residence. We’re going to make everything about you seem suspicious.

Have you married into Irfan Habib’s family?

Are you a member of the IIC?

Did you once read an Arundhati Roy book?

We don’t know, we’re just asking questions. We’ll turn you into a hashtag (#ModiCriticLovesMastizaade), accusing you of so many untrue things that taken together they will make you look like a degenerate foreign agent just waiting to get his grubby, treacherous hands on Mother India.

And if you’re Muslim, then just forget about it! We’ll be playing Six Degrees of Osama Bin Laden and prove that you’re a bonafide member of ISIS in less time than it takes for you to say “mutton biryani.” It doesn’t matter whether you are the country’s Vice-President, a famous actor or Joe Mohammed. All we have to do is simply cast an aspersion over your patriotism. Then the veneer of politeness that prevents most people from saying what they really think will come off and do the job for us.

For all we know, you might get proved innocent. The court may free you. But in the eyes of the public, you’ll always be guilty. Good luck trying to get a job or rent a house or get a visa to a western country after that. We’re so good at this, we’re going to ruin your life and still end up making ourselves look like the victim. So, dear citizen of this great nation, from now on, before you get on your high horse and let us know what dark thoughts that little brain of yours has conjured up, make sure to think twice.

Look, we’re not taking away any of your rights. They’re just temporarily unavailable until we can properly investigate whether you are in compliance with the arbitrary rules of nationalism that we make up on the spot.

What’s so sinister about that?