Anyone who has felt the relentless pangs of grief upon losing someone truly precious would know the frisson of pain that courses through your veins at the very mention of that person’s name. Though mortality is a universal aspect of the human condition, we tend to experience the reality and finality of death in distinctly personal ways. Still, there are common threads in this shared experience, binding us together and affirming our collective humanity. This poem, divided into five parts (first part below) explores a daughter’s struggle to come to terms with the loss of her father, her rock and ultimate refuge. It is a contemplation on a gamut of themes: death, sorrow, loneliness, remembrance, and a reconciliation with the fact of impermanence. It can be viewed as a tribute to all the parents who have devoted their lives to caring for their children. For anyone who is steeped in mourning, the poem holds out the hope that all is not lost even when our world comes crashing down. Life is long and we eventually regain the strength and purpose to go on.

– A note from the poet.

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.

— George Eliot, The Mill on The Floss

Death Comes Calling

As the Sun suffused the Sky with a shimmering light,
the Lamp of her Life lay extinguished before her eyes.
Was she in a stupor or had a nightmare come to life?
“It couldn’t be, no, it couldn’t be,” she cried.
A maelstrom of emotions wrestled inside
Sadness jostled with Shock and Despair
Horror and Fright shoved them aside
Hopelessness invaded her entire being,
threatening to edge out every other feeling.
The cacophonous symphony of mounting grief
rose above her inner screams.
Emotions that she couldn’t even name
were thrown into this tragic mix.

Merging, colliding, crashing

Bleeding, oozing, spilling

They unleashed a mayhem inside her brain
Fought for recognition, vied for space
Viciously tugged at her insides
She winced
Sighed
Whispered

Soothing platitudes—

“Don’t panic.”
“Stay calm.”
“All will be well.”
“Be strong.”
“Stay …”

Flimsier than vapour
Or a speck in the air
The empty words
simply died on her lips.

The room grew dim as the blazing Sun
bemoaned the light gone out from the world.
Its cheerful glow faded … into a sallow smile
But the wheels of life kept turning
for the masses steeped in the business of life.
Oh, how she longed for a place to hide!
The darkness closing in on her
banished even the sickly light
streaming in from the grief-stricken Sky.
For a moment, she wanted to hold her breath
And jump, just jump …
Into the dark pit of nothingness
Where human suffering comes to an end
Where you find ever-lasting relief
From torments that never seem to cease.

She wanted to cloak herself in denial
But it was contrary to her nature
To quarrel with fate
She had learnt to face with composure—

Loss, setbacks, storms, wildfire
The little pricks and the apocalypse

But was her mind simply playing tricks?
Trapping her in an illusory world—
a world so terrible, so terrifically cruel?
It was scary
Surreal
Was it even real?

She must be rising from the fuzzy depths of sleep
Precariously poised between wakefulness and dreams
Perplexed by the concoctions of her half-awake mind
Reality—solid like Papa—could not be far behind
But it had already arrived
Hitting her right in the gut
Turning day into night

PAPA HAD DIED.

The world outside was pulsating with life
But Papa’s heart had stopped on a whim
The tentacles of fear tightened their grip
Sobs rang in her ears like a harp with broken strings
Was the sound issuing from her own lips?
Everything was shrouded in a haze so thick
Not a single word managed to reach him.
She willed the universe to change its mind

IT WAS TOO SOON. THIS WASN’T RIGHT.

She had miles to go, holding his hand
But he had left his mortal cares behind
He had gone too far ... to turn back time.

If I could have returned, I would have come.

The dream haunted her all through the night
There was nothing Papa couldn’t do
He could light up the heavens if he wanted to.
If there was any path leading back to his earthly abode,
he would have defied the laws of the otherworld.

Death be damned! I shall not leave.

He would’ve declared with audacity
and a hint of mischievous glee.
But that was not to be.
He could not have come
to wipe the tears of his dear one.
When you’re gone.
You’re gone.
As the wheels of his life screeched to a halt,
Her whole world spun like a grief-crazed top.
Time slowed, slowed, and stilled
Still as a statue
Was that his face?
Not a spark of mischief
Not a trace of emotion
No sign of life
No flicker of recognition.
Frozen, she watched him for the very last time
All of a sudden, the spell broke
Piteous moans escaped her throat
Cold reality looked her in the eye
She said the saddest word: Goodbye
He had gone to a place no mortal could find.

IT WAS TIME. IT WAS TIME.

Neither he nor she had any say
Man proposes, God disposes.
He had invested the cliché with a fresh lease of life
by always declaring it when the time was just right.
Never did it ring more true
Now that his life was through
He couldn’t start anew.
Her fervent pleas
Her scalding tears
Had no power to move
The Lord of the universe—
The final arbiter
In matters of life and death.
But God had not been unkind
He carried him away like a beloved child
That was how he went—
A quiet, gentle, godly end.

Papa had cast aside the trappings of human life
Enveloping her in an otherworldly light
And yet, the sun’s spectral beams bedimmed the sky
It was the morning that changed her entire life.

Her heart sank under the weight of a sorrow
Impossible to bear
It washed over her
Wave upon wave
Words couldn’t capture that inexpressible emotion
She trembled all over as they headed to the crematorium
Half-expecting to faint in distress—
Or be swallowed by gigantic grief—
As they set foot upon that graveyard of happiness
That must reek of pain that would never find relief.
But when they finally arrived at that god-forsaken place
A change comes over her, catching her unawares.
Deathly calm descended as Papa’s body was laid on the pyre
She mutely watched the flames devouring her dear father
Why couldn’t she feel the pain galloping through her veins?
She wanted to howl in anguish and drive the numbness away
She waited for grief to rip her apart
And bring home the enormity of what she had lost
But she couldn’t undam the feelings roiling within
The reality of her loss was yet to sink in.
Grief, Gloom, Misery, and all the rest did arrive
But of their volition and in their own time.
So often did they make their presence known
that they turned into companions
when she wrestled with life alone.
“Guard me, guide me, help me, haunt me,
till even a drop of life in me is left.”
She beseeched Papa every night
as she lay in bed—broken, adrift, bereft.

When you were born, you had clutched my finger with your tiny hand

She never let go, nor did he
Till death descended
Mercilessly.
His shadow remained but not his touch
She still remembered the feel of his palm
The wrinkled brown hand that oozed love
Every pore of her being had felt secure
He had built a sanctuary that kept her snug.

She was distressed beyond words
when she saw him becoming increasingly frail.
He dutifully maintained a healthy lifestyle
But he was ageing faster than it seemed fair
Still, he lived much longer
than it seemed to have been ordained.
Touched seventy with a triumphant air
long after his health began to fail.
Having come this far, he ventured to declare
that he had another five years assigned by fate.
But his speeding decline told a different tale.
Watching his tottering gait almost drove her to tears
How badly she wanted to rail at the universe!
Something told her that he may not be around
for very long
Her ears were trained to catch the sound
of his life-draining bouts of cough
It weakened him, bit by bit
In every corner, the cough lay in wait
Ready to pounce on him when the chance came.
It shook him from head to toe and even racked his insides
Oh, how much she feared those dreadful sights

Poor Papa sprawled on the floor

Helpless, bleeding

Unable to express his pain

She would bend over him and scream his name
Like a mantra, it brought him back to her
Disoriented, he looked around
She helped him get back to his feet
Bandaged him and sat close
A fall always frayed his nerves
She watched him like an anxious nurse
He was safe; he would be fine
She would tell herself over and over.

The worst bouts were almost inaudible
A gurgling sound: faint and pitiful
But love had heightened her auditory powers
The feeblest cry for help would set off alarm bells—
Loud and clear.
Long after he had recovered from the jolt,
echoes of his cough resounded in her ears.
Sadness hung heavy in the air
The memory of his hapless state gave her the jitters
That eternal dread of losing him forever.
Even a distant moan was a harbinger of doom
She would run to his room in a frenzy of fear
He came back to his senses
as soon as she called his name
Every single time, without fail
Except for that wretched morning
When the universe, full of whimsy, stole her only ray of light
Papa lay lifeless before her eyes.

Now she felt like a kite buffeted by the winds
Held aloft by the death-defying will
of a cut-and-bleeding, care-worn string.