In a municipal school in a narrow lane in North Chennai, a quiet revolution is unfolding. Daily wage earners, domestic workers and homemakers sit in a circle, sharing the struggles of raising teens in neighborhoods marked by violence and addiction.
“It was easier when they were younger,” said Anandi, whose husband is a fisherman. “Now they barely speak to us and don’t listen.”
These parents are here to learn new ways of parenting. In the sessions, they explore the teenage brain – how it works and what teens truly need. “I thought hitting was discipline,” said Buvana, 35, a domestic worker. “I didn’t know love and safety were essential for their brains to develop well.”
Alongside the science, they learn practical tools – how to listen with empathy, manage anger, and set limits with kindness.
Slowly, change begins. “I used to beat my kids,” said Selvi, 27, a domestic worker. “Now, we solve problems together.” Added Amina, 32, a tailor, “My son listens and talks more, now that I’m being patient.”
Ramesh, an autorickshaw driver, said with eyes misting up, “After a long time, my daughter is speaking to me again and calling me Appa.”
The children feel it too. “My father used to yell and hit me,” said 14-year-old Karthik. “Now he talks gently – I feel loved.” Anitha, 16, who once stayed out late, said, “I come home because I saw my amma change.”
Small acts of love begin to show up – a kind word, a hug, a favourite meal. “Earlier, my mother hit me for coming home late,” said Meena, 13, with a grin. “Now she tells me to go out and play.”
Kumar, 15, says his marks have improved because of his mother’s encouragement. Said Gita, with a laught, “My mother kisses me, calls me pattu, and praises me – I’ve even started helping her.”
These families are just a few among many touched by Ruth Beaglehole, who came from Los Angeles to Chennai in 2014 to share her approach of “Parenting with Nonviolence”, inspired by Gandhi’s principles of ahimsa and satyagraha.
Beaglehole’s ideas have been embraced by parents from all walks of life, from daily wage earners to corporate professionals, from municipal to international schools, from rural Rajasthan to small towns in Tamil Nadu,
New ideas
I stumbled upon Ruth Beaglehole’s work in 2012, more than a decade after my friend Kalpana Sundar and I had begun exploring a new way to raise our children, inspired by Montessori ideas.
As we shared our learnings, our journey grew into an organisation – nine women challenging parenting rooted in control and punishment.
Our workshops were making an impact, but we wanted more – formal training as parent educators. No programmes for this existed in India. While searching online, I found Beaglehole’s work.
Her philosophy of Parenting with Nonviolence, combined with 50 years of experience, including work with Māori communities in New Zealand, deeply resonated with us. I reached out, hoping for online help. She replied, “I’ll come to India.”
I was stunned. Who was this woman, willing to fly across the world – at 70 – to train strangers?
Though we had years of experience in conducting parenting workshops and courses, Beaglehole showed us how to go deeper, helping us reach parents stuck in old patterns and offering the missing pieces we needed.
Today, brain-based parenting is everywhere, but back then, it was radical. Beaglehole introduced us to Harvard videos calling parents “brain architects”, finally giving us the language to show how safety shapes development – and how much hitting or shaming harms children.
Beaglehole taught us a powerful concept – the misuse of power over children simply because they’re small. She gave us an exercise where one person stood on a chair and shouted down to the other. It felt scary.
“Is this how children feel?” we asked. For Beaglehole, ahimsa meant respecting the whole child – body, mind, heart and spirit.
She urged us to look inward – kids push our buttons because it’s often about us, not them. I could not accept my strong-willed child, because growing up, I’d learnt that being “compliant and sweet” meant safety. Without awareness, we repeat old patterns.
Beaglehole showed us that deep listening is powerful. “How you are with parents is how they’ll be with their kids,” she said.
Once, a teammate shared regret over sending her child to school too early. Ruth simply said, “You were trying your best.” That moment showed us: if we meet parents with compassion, they’ll pass it on to their children.
She helped us see that parents don’t need lectures, just safe spaces to be vulnerable and feel supported.
Walking the talk
Beaglehole didn’t just teach – she lived her values. Once, during a session at a teammate’s home, her seven-year-old son with a fractured arm interrupted. Embarrassed, she tried to hush him. Beaglehole gently stopped us, welcomed him and asked what he needed. In that moment, we saw what it truly meant to respect a child.
Another time, Beaglehole asked – curious, not critical – why we do not greet the cleaning lady. We had not even noticed her. The next morning, a chorus of “Good morning, Sundari” made her beam – and made us reflect on our class bias.
Beaglehole’s certification changed everything for us. We integrated her ideas into our curriculum, one rooted in the Indian context, strengthening it with science while staying true to the realities of the families we work with.
Our work expanded, we established a resource centre, partnered with schools and companies, launched online courses and led campaigns to build awareness on the need to move from punishment to positive discipline.
In 2018, at the age of 75, Beaglehole returne,d now focusing on parent education as a tool for social justice. “When we treat children with respect, we build inclusive, equitable communities rooted in safety and well-being,” she said.
I often asked Beaglehole, “Do parents facing poverty or violence have the space to think about parenting?” She said yes, every parent, no matter their struggle, longs for connection with their children. When we began working in North Chennai, I saw that truth unfold before my eyes.
Ruth Beaglehole passed away in April at the age of 81. I feel her presence in all that she has taught me.
In these troubled times, it feels right to end with a quote Beaglehole loved from Gandhi: “If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.”
Beaglehole brought ahimsa into our homes, showing us that nonviolence begins with how we speak to and treat our children.
Ruth Beaglehole book, A Compassionate Guide to Raising Children with Nonviolence, will soon be available free on her website.
*Names changed to protect identity
Kesang Menezes is a co-founder of Parenting Matters, an organisation that empowers parents to build deeper connection in families.
