As the days progressed, Ajay decided to stay back at the Bodhik Retreat Centre even after the course ended, volunteering to assist the Purohit in successfully running future retreats. He offered to help manage the everyday affairs of the centre. The Purohit agreed to let Ajay stay on. He was provided with a separate, modest room in exchange for his volunteer services.
The Purohit could sense a genuine quest for spirituality in him and recognised him as a true disciple.
Likewise, Ajay began to see the Purohit as a guru and the guide he never had. Theirs was a beautiful bond, characterised by endless discussions on life and their practices for self-awareness.
One day, Ajay shared his thoughts with the Purohit after reflecting on his own life and the hardships he had faced during tough times.
“I now realise, Master, that during my low phase, I was experiencing stress, guilt and anxiety. Had I chosen to deal with it on my own, it would have been a difficult path, and there was no guarantee how long it would have taken me to overcome it. I feel incredibly fortunate to have come here,” said Ajay.
The Purohit replied, “Try to avoid using terms like stress, anxiety and guilt. These words can be unsettling for someone experiencing these emotions and often carry a negative connotation. Instead, we should aim to understand the root cause of these feelings using spiritual tools and develop a deeper understanding of their nature.
“It is important to understand that these emotions can manifest for various reasons. What you experienced was a strong attachment to good memories or a desperate longing for a better future.
“This is the result of being discontent with the present due to yearning for a better tomorrow. In both cases, it’s a struggle between your present, your past and your future.
The current state becomes restless and distressed, attempting to either bring the past into the present or fulfil future desires in the present moment. So, how do we deal with this challenge?
“Do this by shifting the focus from the past and future to the present moment and engaging in activities that immerse you in the present. These activities can be anything – a hobby, sport, reading or meditation. Whatever resonates with you and enhances your focus on the ‘now’. It’s an attempt to enrich your present rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future. This is the simplest way to deal with these disturbing emotions.’
The Purohit continued, “The key tool here is concentration. One must understand the root cause of this suffering and observe where their focus has shifted without resisting the observation. If done with concentration, the distraction will dissipate and will bring the person to the present moment. Picture this: Suffering is that unsettling chasm between what you dream of and what actually is. The wider that chasm, the deeper the pain.
“Once you’ve learned how to manage your focus, no circumstance or event will have the power to distract you from the present. By learning how to shift your focus, situations lose their grip on you, enabling you to determine the course of events according to your will, unaffected by setbacks.
“I hope this helps you understand how your circumstances impacted you and where your focus was at that time. Your brain was embellishing what you were focusing on. So, if you were focusing on hopelessness, your brain was amplifying those circumstances and events that confirmed your lack of hope.”
Ajay nodded and said, “Thank you, Master, for explaining the cause of my miseries so beautifully.” He couldn’t help but laugh, reminiscing about his past, recalling his worries when he first arrived here. He smiled gratefully at his master, thankful for pulling him out of that state of mind entirely. “Though disturbing emotions and their suffering can take many forms, one particularly painful emotion is guilt, which results from regrets over past mistakes.
“The pain stemming from guilt ingrains a sense of self-blame in one’s mind, making it exceedingly difficult to let go. Redirecting focus from the regret that triggers guilt proves difficult in such situations, making it challenging to fully engage in the present moment despite one’s efforts.
“The issue can’t be resolved solely through attention or focus when there is an emotion like self-hate or anger stemming from regret. So, what’s the solution? To find the answer to this, we must first understand the emotion of guilt.
“Guilt arises when we fail to meet the standards set by the identities we construct for ourselves. The ego, or what we might call the ‘self’ in spiritual terms, is shaped by our conditioning and life experiences, defining our sense of identity. We become emotionally attached to the identity we create in our minds, using attributes like intelligence, moral conduct, appearance, character and societal norms to define it as ‘I’ or ‘me’.
“Whenever we fail to fit into that version of ‘I’, a sense of regret arises given the gap between our imagination and the real self. Moreover, when these actions result in negative outcomes, the sense of guilt may spiral into deeper emotional distress, often accompanied by anger and self-blame, especially when the damage caused is significant.
“To understand this better, let’s consider a person who perceives himself as exceptionally honest, never resorting to lies or deceit. These qualities often foster a sense of pride and a deep attachment to one’s self-image. However, when faced with unforeseen circumstances or extraordinary pressures, the person may be compelled to deceive or lie, for personal gain or while fulfilling obligations, and if this act of deception results in damage to the very essence of their self-identity, what they hold as their core ‘I’, it presents a complex dilemma.
“The act of lying is incongruent with the individual’s conception of self, thereby challenging their identity. The disruption caused by this inconsistency can evoke pronounced feelings of guilt, accompanied by anger and regret concerning their actions. This may lead the individual to engage in persistent reflection on their behaviour, lamenting the missed opportunities for different choices, despite understanding that the past is irreversible. Consequently, this introspection often results in a heightened sense of self-recrimination and disdain, further intensifying the guilt.
“This guilt can be alleviated through a profound spiritual comprehension and an awareness of one’s authentic nature. When an individual discerns their true essence, they understand that it cannot be a static construct due to its inherently dynamic and ever-evolving characteristics. In the context of meditation, exploring the concept of self through introspection effectively reduces the strong attachment to the individualised perception of self. As a result, detachment from the imaginary self-image in the psyche leads to the natural dissipation of guilt, as there no longer exists an idealised construct against which to make judgements.
“The act of lying is incongruent with the individual’s self-conception, thereby challenging their identity. The disruption caused by this inconsistency can evoke pronounced feelings of guilt, accompanied by anger and regret concerning their actions. Consequently, this introspection often results in a heightened sense of self-recrimination and disdain, further intensifying the experienced guilt.
“This guilt can be alleviated through a profound spiritual comprehension and an awareness of one’s true nature. When an individual discerns their true essence, they understand that it cannot be a static construct due to its inherently dynamic and ever-evolving characteristics.
“Consequently, the person becomes more forgiving of their mistakes, making it much easier to move on and learn from them, rather than becoming entrenched in negative emotions like guilt. Be more attentive in tomorrow’s session – we will explore the nature of suffering in detail through the concept of ‘expectation vs reality’,” the Purohit told Ajay.
Excerpted with permission from The Unbecoming: A Novel – Let Life Reveal Its Purpose, Kartikeya Vajpai, Penguin India.
