You could not have possibly missed the news that a bunch of young people in Kerala have declared November 2 as Kiss Day, the day in which they plan to gather in Kochi to kiss in public, as a protest against a recent spate of moral policing in the state, particularly this incident, the kind of incident which I now think of as 30-paisa Xerox moral policing.

In case you’ve missed it (what you’re on a digital sabbath?), then head right over with your lips puckered, if not to Kochi, then to their Facebook page. The sheer, frenetic activity on the page is deserving of an umma, by itself. Here is wishing success to their back-to-our-bloody-minded-who-are-you-to-tell-me-what-to-do Malayali-roots endeavour.

While gallivanting on this page, we spotted a delightful manifesto buried in the comments shared created by a dude called Adarsh Animator, written by Farmis Hashim here for all trolls hovering over the Kiss of Love community (!). This FAQ, he says, was created to ensure you dogs (umm, he didn’t say that) dont ask the same things dobara. It is very hard to recreate the wonderfully straight-faced and utterly Mary Beard worthy, poda-pulle-type answers to smug troll questions. But here’s one stricken-by-the-giggles attempt.


Q: Yo, will you be bringing your mother or sister?
A: "Mother" and "sister" are two independent individuals. If they want to, they will participate. If they participate my family’s morals will not collapse. Everyone who participates similiarly will be someone’s sister, mother, father or brother.

Q: Yo, will you give me your sister to kiss?
A: If she feels like kissing you I have no need to interfere. But she should feel like kissing you. The kiss must be welcome to both parties. Otherwise, if you pile on and try to kiss her you might end up measuring the thickness of her slippers. If you are prepared to receive that in front of everyone, come on over. If you feel brave enough to kiss with mutual consent then come on over.

Q: Only kissing? No other "cultural performances?
A: This is what happens if you watch too much porn. Sticking your penis into a vagina immediately after a kiss is not what homo sapiens do. That only happens in porn movies. A kiss is only a kind of demonstration of love.

Q: Should I bring someone or will the organisers make arrangements?
A: You ask this question because you are used to consuming only the sexuality you’ve paid for, in the same way you consume the liquor you stand in the beverage queue for. If in all the years you’ve lived you’ve not acquired the stuff to make someone desire you then best not to venture on this enterprise. At this point even if you find a woman to love you won’t be able to kiss her. You will probably be able to masturbate — only if someone leaks a Whatsapp video of her peeing.

Q: Yo, will you guys bring your mother-father?
A: As if mother-father have never kissed till this day. They started this business long before half your genes travelled from your father’s penis to your mother’s uterus. So they aren’t going to die if you, who was created thus, kisses a woman/a man.

This post was first published on The Ladies Finger