The incredible sexual problems that Indians are facing

Sexual counsellor Mahinder Watsa, 91 and wicked, answers perplexing questions posed by people around India.

What first aid will we require after having sex for the first time? My fiancée and I have had oral sex many times. How safe is that?
You need not join the Red Cross; just visit a sexpert for some pre-marriage counselling. Oral sex is safe and healthy, and she will not conceive through it.

After having sex four times a day, I feel weak the next day. For about five minutes, my vision goes blank and I can’t see anything properly. Please help.
What do you expect? Shouts of ‘hurray’ and ‘I am a champion’ all over town?

I am a twenty-one-year-old man. Last week, I was oscillating my penis while masturbating. I turned it upside down and sat on it. I heard a snap, but experienced no pain. Have I fractured my penis?
Why would you want to do bhangra with your penis? Pray that you have not injured it. Do not sit on it again.

Suppose two men ejaculate in a woman’s vagina at the same time and she becomes pregnant. Which of the two could turn out to be the father of the child?
I suggest you write to the editor and enquire if there is a vacancy in the puzzle department of the newspaper.

I am a twenty-six-year-old. I have a query. Can women get pregnant if sperm, preserved in a plastic bottle, is poured into their vagina? Please do reply. It is important.
Important? What’s the reason? No pregnancy will occur with such a method.

Two days ago, I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend. To prevent pregnancy, we bought an i-pill (emergency contraceptive pill). But in the heat of the moment, I popped it instead of her. Can it cause any complications for me?
Next time around, please use a condom and make sure that you don’t swallow that too. In any case, you could have rushed to the chemist and got another one as it iseffective within  seventy-two hours of the act. The i-pill is meant only for emergency situations and must not be used as a routine family planning measure.

I am twenty-four years old. I have been in a live-in relationship with my girlfriend for a year. However, for the last few days, we are having a harrowing time because of bedbugs. Whenever we get intimate, the bugs also seem to snap into action. In fact, they have bitten me on my penis and we are afraid they might have entered my girlfriend’s vagina. We are taking care of the infestation. Can this cause any infections?
Did not know bugs also get sexually excited and enjoy oral sex. Until you get rid of them, use the floor. You may then avoid an infection.

I am 22 years old. I have sex with my girlfriend occasionally, but even when I am lying in bed, my testicles keep moving. Is this normal?
The testicles doing the salsa are unique. They rest when you fall asleep. I am sure more boys are likely to keep a watch to see if their testicles respond likewise.

I think I suffer from premature ejaculation. I get turned on by the water dripping from my bedroom AC. I allow the drops to fall on my penis and I usually come after 12 drops. I think that is too soon. My ejaculation should at least last for 40 drops. Do you think this is normal?
Remarkable and unique way to find out whether you suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s better that you see a sexologist; I assure you that he will not turn on the shower to get to the diagnosis of what is normal.

Hello, I’m 29 yrs old married woman for 10 years, have 8 yrs old son (with caesarean). I would like to know is there any test available to get it confirm with how many men a woman has slept??? (Any Vaginal test) Where can I avail that test in Pune & how much will it cost??
Rather a weird request. No such test exists. Focus on achieving happiness.

I am a 27 year old man. I like to steal women’s clothes, masturbate into them and return them. I’ve been doing this since I was 14 years old. What is wrong with me?
It is very noble of you to return them but if you’re caught, you will disgrace your family and yourself. Why don’t you buy some women’s clothing? It’s a harmless fetish if you don’t complicate matters.

I’ve heard that a lizard’s tail grows back when cut. I was curious if the same holds true for my penis?
I would not advise you to attempt such an experiment.Your penis is not a tail, and I am quite sure that there will be no volunteers for your research.

My wife inserted a hair comb inside her vagina. Subsequently she found that three four bristles of the comb remained stuck inside her vagina. Now we are afraid, please help?
A comb is a rather surprising choice. She could have used a more cylindrical object like a lipstick cover. Take her to a gynaecologist who will pick out the bristles if any are present.

My girlfriend and i have been dating for one year. We enjoy sex. But recently she has been talking a lot about her ex. This has given rise to strange problem. Every time i try to get intimate with her, i hear her ex's voice coming from her navel and asking me to get lost. I have done some research and concluded that her navel is a portal to her ex. I love her very much and i want to marry her. But this is worrying me.
Tell your friend to tell her navel friend to get lost. You need to visit a psychiatrist. Please let me know your research technique. I too shall try talking to my navel.

I have a small penis and I can’t seem to satisfy my girlfriend. My astrologer has advised me to pull it every day for 15 minutes while reciting a shloka. I have been doing this for a month but it hasn’t helped. What should I do?
If he was right, most men would have a penis hitting their knees. God doesn’t help gullible, foolish men. Go visit a sexpert instead who can teach you the art of making love.

I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?
Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.

My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of masturbation. Is this possible?
No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?

Excerpted with permission from  It's Normal!, Dr Mahinder Watsa, Penguin Books India.

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