A (fictional) US startup called Jihad Solutions has a developed a phenomenal new product called Breathe Easy for Americans “tired of wondering how Muslim their neighbours are”. Using their “patented technology that no one else wants”, the product, which works like the common breathalyser, can detect “how many radical enzymes are present in a subject’s mouth”.

After conducting research, the startup discovered that every time someone says “Death to America!”, it leaves a microscopic footprint on their cells, which the Breathe Easy is able to detect. It measures radical Islam on a scale of “likes Hummus” to “ISIS supporter”, so you never have to wonder about your neighbours ever again.

Warning: “May cause job loss, redneck tendencies, supporting Trump, depression, isolation”.