Here is the full text of Chris Rock and Steve Martin’s “non-monologue monologue”.
Rock: Wow. Janelle Monae. Incredible. That was incredible. That was incredible. While we were backstage watching it, Steve says to me, “J-Lo is killing it two weeks in a row!”
Martin: You know, I was thinking today, Chris, that we both have hosted the Oscars before and this is such an incredible demotion. They don’t really have hosts anymore. Why is that?
Rock: Twitter. Everybody’s got an embarrassing tweet somewhere. I know I do.
Martin: A couple of years ago, there was a big disaster here at the Oscars where they accidentally read out the wrong name, and it was nobody’s fault, but they have guaranteed that this will not happen this year, because the Academy has switched to the new Iowa caucus app. But what a night!
Rock: I don’t know, Steve. I’m a little conflicted, you know? I was driving here tonight and seeing the terrible homeless problem in LA —
Martin: Thank you, Chris. So many stars! Oh my god, there’s Brad Pitt. It’s like looking in a mirror.
Rock: Mahershala Ali is here tonight. Mahershala has two Oscars. You know what that means when the cops pull him over? Nothing. Jeff Bezos is here.
Martin: Oh, wow, great actor.
Rock: He’s got cash. When he writes the check, the bank bounces. Jeff Bezos is so rich, he got divorced and he’s still the richest man in the world. He saw Marriage Story and thought it was a comedy. Steve, do you have anything you want to add about Mr Bezos?
Martin: No, I like getting my packages on time. And Marty Scorsese is here, somewhere, where is he? Genius, wow.
Rock: Marty Scorsese. Marty, I got to tell you, I loved the first season of The Irishman.
Martin: Oh, The Irishman. that’s that new Ray Romano movie. Such a great supporting cast.
Rock: Steve, did you see The Joker?
Martin: I can’t wait to see it. It sounds so funny. I’m laughing already. Joker.
Rock: There’s so many — so many great directors nominated this year.
Martin: I don’t know, Chris, I thought there was something missing from the list this year.
Martin: Yes, yes.
Rock: Ford v Ferrari is nominated. I’ve got to tell you. I’ve got a Ford. I’ve got a Ferrari. It ain’t even close. It’s like Halle Berry versus gum disease.
Martin: Cynthia Erivo is here tonight.
Rock: Yes, Cynthia Erivo is here tonight. Cynthia did such a great job in Harriet hiding black people that the Academy got her to hide all the black nominees. Cynthia, is Eddie Murphy under this stage?
Martin: Eddie, I loved you in Dolemite. Well, you know, Chris, think how much the Oscars have changed in the past 92 years.
Rock: Yeah, they’ve changed a lot, Steve.
Martin: Yeah, they have. In 1929, there were no black acting nominees.
Rock: And now, in 2020, we got one.
Martin: Yeah. Amazing growth! Well, we’ve had a great time not hosting tonight.