In a couple of days, we’re all going to begrudgingly acknowledge the second anniversary of the Modi government. Therefore, we thought that in the spirit of fairness, instead of publishing another article about how this government is the worst thing since Hitler and/or the first Rajshree Productions movie, we thought we’d give some space to the leading luminaries of the Right to tell us what two years of the Modi sarkar means to them.

Tavleen Singh
We begin with the dean of right-wing columnists. Not only has Tavleen Singh always questioned the status quo, she has never failed to remind us that we lowly peasants were much better off when we were ruled by the royal families of yore:

"Is this for real? Have you really sent me an email asking me for my opinion? Well, I’m surprised Sonia Gandhi let you. That woman is obsessed with me! I heard that she personally called half the invitees for my latest book launch party and told them not to attend, or else. If that wasn’t enough, the other day she used her Italian connections to cancel my table at Olive Garden. I was so embarrassed! I was going to take Vasu out to celebrate her government’s success with the new history textbooks for a well-deserved long lunch and we were left stranded without a booking. Why can’t she leave me alone? Why does she keep going after me like that? Why didn’t she give me that shahtoosh shawl that she knew I was in love with? She has so many of them!

Anyway, bygones! I don’t think about that. I don’t even think about her. I’m not angry with her. I don’t continuously go after her because I still hold a grudge about something that happened in the ’80s! And anyone who thinks that I do is probably delusional." 

Thank you, Ms Singh! Readers, don’t forget to check out her book, How Sonia Gandhi Broke the World! Available now in a bookstore near you.

Swapan Dasgupta
Now, the first name that comes to your mind when someone says “right-wing intellectual” is Arun Shourie. However, since he didn’t respond to our questionnaire, we had to settle for whatever passes for intellectual in Lutyens’ Delhi circles. So please welcome our next contributor, Swapan Dasgupta:

"Now, I usually wouldn’t give the time of day to a publication like yours. You’ve done nothing but distract this government from its real work since day one. However, since you included a rare, miniature version of Sandringham House along with your query, don’t think that I don’t realise that you’re manipulating me by exploiting my fondness for the House of Windsor. Classic left-wing tactics!

Which is why I would like to take this opportunity to put an end to all the spurious rumours about me angling for the ambassadorship to Great Britain. They are nothing but canards spread by my enemies in the media. I never requested the posting. All I did was merely suggest that the position must be filled with a qualified person. And who is more qualified than a person who knows Rule Britannia by heart? Who is more qualified than a person who always roots for the East India Company whilst watching Lagaan? All I’m saying is that whoever the next ambassador is, he should know how lucky he is. He can simply walk down to Parliament Square and stand there and look at the statue of Winston Churchill all day long. Some of us would gladly part with an arm or a leg for the luxury of being able to do that."

Awww, if we weren’t dead inside that would have bought tears to our eyes. Don’t worry, Mr Dasgupta. You’re in the Indian version of the House of Lords. It’s also full of pretentious toffs who think they belong to the natural ruling class.

Madhu Kishwar
As everyone knows, Narendra Modi has many supporters on social media. You cannot have a discussion about him without involving a couple of them. Seriously. You try to have one and you can say goodbye to your Twitter mentions column for the foreseeable future. Therefore, we reached out to Madhu Kishwar, one of his most prominent social media evangelists. Since we couldn’t find an email address for her, we sent the questionnaire to her office address. She sent back the following by courier pigeon:

"Firstly, tell me how you got this address. Who gave it to you? Was it Barkha? Or wait, it was him, wasn’t it? Did he give you the address? Does he know where my office is? Dammit! How much is he paying you to do this, huh? If he thinks sending me a seemingly innocent list of questions is going to frighten me, tell him to think again. Tell Jai Italy to face me like a man and not use his leftist minions to try to send me coded messages.

And as for two years of Modi? Well, he could have done better if people like your benefactor and other members of the BJP’s 160+ club along with libtards, feminazis and sickulars weren’t so determined to continue to make distractions for the government. They forced him to arrest those JNU students, coerced him make peace with Pakistan and bullied him into suspending the Uttarakhand government. Modi is a strong leader with a tough resolve who keeps getting conned into doing the wrong things by the anti-national coterie. Modi has the unique ability to sense the true nature of a person and yet he has surrounded himself with the worst people. Modi is a detail oriented person with his eye on each and every thing going on in the government but he has no idea what is happening behind his back. If only he would listen to all those of us with pure intentions. All we want from him is to do right by the country. Pity." 

Thank you, Ms Kishwar. We wish only the best for you and will leave you to grapple with all the voices in your head.

Subramanian Swamy
Now, there are many things that America invented before we got around to making them ourselves – nuclear weapons, unmanned drones, large media corporations that openly shill for their owners’ business interests. However, the Muslim hating, immigrant bashing, homophobic, sexist, politician-draped-in-orange shtick was invented in India. That’s right, Donald. Our next contributor, Subramanian Swamy, was advocating fascism a long time before anyone had even heard of you and your tiny hands:

"I did it! Yippie-kai-yay, motherlovers! People said I was done! People said I had no pull within this government! People said that I would spend the rest of my days in the fringes, yelling at those invested with real power. Well, you know what they say; he who has the last laugh probably has the personality of a sociopath. I am writing this whilst sitting in the Rajya Sabha. That’s right. I’m living here now. It took so much effort for me to get here, I’m never leaving. They’ll have to drag me out of here when my term is over. I have given some of the best speeches of my life here in the last few days. Sure, the only person listening to them was the guy they hired to make sure I don’t hurt myself, but his sympathetic expression was an indication of how well received my speech was. Tell everyone! Spread it far and wide. Swamy’s back, baby! Woo hoo!"

Thank you, Mr Swamy, for continuing to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Sudhir Chaudhary
As we were about to wrap this up and hit publish, we received an urgent email from a law firm accompanied by an answered questionnaire and a scanned copy of a court injunction. Apparently, not only are we legally bound to print the following material, we also have to refer to the law firm’s client as star Zee News Anchor and Ramnath Goenka Award winner Sudhir Chaudhary.

"Over the past few months, many people have tried to malign my name along with the name of my channel. But they forget that I am star Zee News Anchor and Ramnath Goenka Award winner Sudhir Chaudhary! You cannot denigrate someone who has already achieved so much in such a short time. I also know why you’re going after me. So as to frighten me into not broadcasting my EXCLUSIVE ZEE NEWS EXPOSES about the anti-national filth that infects our country. I will not rest until I reveal the traitorous intentions of every liberal and communist in this country. Or until people find something else to be angry about.

I have also discovered a unique business model. Turns out all you need to be a successful news channel these days is a cameraman who captures the right shots, a news anchor brimming with righteous anger and a team of video editors who can do magic with their virtual scissors. And voilà, you can manufacture your own news! This is why I am star Zee News Anchor and Ramnath Goenka Award winner Sudhir Chaudhary. They don’t hand those out to just anybody!"

Thank you, star Zee News Anchor and Ramnath Goenka Award winner Sudhir Chaudhary. We are very privileged that you graced us with your presence. We mean it! We’re not just saying that because we are legally obliged to do so!

So there you have it! We’d also love to hear your thoughts about two years of the Modi government. Please send all your replies to youropinion@someonewhocares.org.

Thank you!