In 2020, psychologists Adam Waytz of Northwestern University and Wilhelm Hofmann of the University of Cologne in Germany set out to answer a question: Do I get happier when I focus on my own desires, or when I focus on doing something for others, instead? We generally think about the trade-off between self-care and caring for others as one between feeling good and doing what is morally superior.
If you take the afternoon off and go shopping, you’ll enjoy it. If instead you volunteer at a local charity, you’ll miss that fun but be a better person. Obviously, this trade-off has limits; you need to take care of yourself to help others, and helping others can be fun for you. In general, however, this is how we see the “me versus others” choice. The researchers questioned whether there really was a trade-off to build the life you want at all. They wondered if, just maybe, focusing on others created more happiness for you than self-care did.
To investigate this idea, they divided 263 participants into three groups, each with a different set of instructions.
1. Moral Deeds Group: Today, we would like you to do at least one moral deed for others. By “moral deed for others,” we mean doing something that will benefit another person or a group of others. This could be donating to charity, picking up trash (to help the community), giving money to a homeless person, helping someone with their work, giving someone a compliment, giving assistance to a family member, or showing kindness to a stranger. Any act that benefits another person – either directly or indirectly – would be considered a moral deed.
2. Moral Thoughts Group: Today, we would like you to think at least one moral thought for others. By “moral thought for others,” we mean thinking about another person or group of people in a positive way, thinking good thoughts on their behalf, thinking lucky thoughts for them, praying for them, hoping they succeed, or thinking about how much you care for another person or group of people. Any thought that is positive toward another person would be considered a moral thought.
3. Treat Yourself Group: Today, we would like you to do at least one positive thing for yourself. By “positive thing for yourself,” we mean doing something that will benefit you. This could be buying yourself a gift, getting yourself a massage, taking yourself out to a movie, spending time with a friend who will make you happy, giving yourself a break to relax, or enjoying a delicious meal. Any act that benefits focus less on yourself you – either directly or indirectly – would be considered a positive thing.
The three groups followed their instructions, and recorded their well-being across 11 dimensions each evening for ten days. In the end, the researchers compiled the results. Not shockingly, in some ways all the strategies were beneficial; for example, all three felt more satisfaction. But in most ways, the results weren’t even close.
The Moral Deeds Group reported higher scores on a range of well-being measures than the Moral Thoughts Group, and both reported higher scores than the Treat Yourself Group. Those caring for others actively felt a greater purpose in life and a sense of control, while the others did not. They were also the only ones who felt less anger and social isolation. The end results were clear, and consistent with a huge body of data showing that focusing less on yourself and your desires will make you happier. This is not to argue you should stop taking care of yourself or stop paying attention to your own needs. As they say on the airlines, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first” when it comes to happiness, so you can help others become happier. That’s different from thinking about yourself instead of others and what is going on outside.
In fact, adopting more of an outward focus on life – observing the world and caring for other people without making so much of life about yourself – is one of the best ways to increase your own well-being, and is the third principle of emotional self-management. This means being good to others as selflessly as possible – as the preceding experiment suggests, of course – but more subtly, it means deflecting your own constant attention from yourself and your build the life you want desires – by looking in the mirror less, disregarding your reflection on social media, paying less attention to what others think about you, and fighting your tendency to envy people for what they have but you don’t.
This part of emotional self-management is not intended to scold or make any of us feel like we are self-centred egomaniacs. Focusing on ourselves is the most normal thing in the world. Yet this doesn’t help us get happier. While it isn’t always easy, working against this natural tendency gives us relief from the sitcom on the loop in our heads that is our daily me-focused lives. With knowledge and practice, an outward focus on life brings major happiness rewards.
Excerpted with permission from Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier, Oprah Winfrey and Arthur C Brooks, Rider.
