An eye for an eye
Question/comment from a seeker:
They say revenge is sweet.
Response from Marcus Aurelius (VI–VI):
The best way to defend yourself from people who offend you is to not be like them.
Psychological reflection
If you take an approach of “tit for tat”, will you be any different from the person who harmed you in the first place? As stated by Gandhi, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. According to The Book of Mirdad, we live in order to learn to love and we love in order to learn to live.
So, the best defence will be to learn to love and forgive. But that does not mean we should allow ourselves to be mistreated or put up with abusive behaviour. We can have compassion but we must take care of our well-being.
It is not personal
Question/comment from a seeker:
What can I think or do so that I don’t take everything so seriously?
Response from Marcus Aurelius (IX–IV):
He who commits a fault, commits it against himself. He who commits an injustice, harms himself.
Psychological reflection
Often, when we are criticised or insulted, we take it personally. When someone hurts us or when we believe we are not being treated fairly, we usually take it to heart. We feel the injustice and misfortune, and we perceive ourselves as the victims of the situation.
However, Marcus Aurelius tells us that he who acts badly hurts himself. He who tries to harm another only harms himself. Every thought, word and action returns like a boomerang to the person who has thought, spoken or acted badly.
Have you ever felt wronged because of some injustice that you thought was dealt to you, and then realised later that in actual fact, it didn’t have anything to do with you?
Kindness and compassion
Question/comment from a seeker:
There are people in the world who are very ignorant. How can I relate to them?
Response from Marcus Aurelius (II–XIII):
Sometimes you should also feel compassion for those people who have lost their way in life, as they are like a blind person who cannot distinguish black from white. Their ignorance prevents them from differentiating between good and bad.
Psychological reflection
We live in a time when people feel disorderly love, as Saint John of the Cross said. This means that the hierarchy of values that most people have leads them to more suffering instead of peace of mind, wisdom and well-being. People waste their lives pursuing goals such as money, power or pleasurable experiences, only to discover later that they have wasted their lives chasing after things that did not give them lasting inner fulfilment or happiness.
Marcus Aurelius explains that this is why kindness and compassion towards everyone is so important. We are all souls in search of peace, we all experience situations of suffering, and we cannot imagine what other people are going through. As Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
To whom do you listen?
Question/comment from a seeker:
I worry too much about what other people think. How can I improve my confidence and self-esteem?
Response from Marcus Aurelius (XII–IV):
How can you say that you respect yourself if you give more importance to others’ opinions than to your own?
Psychological reflection
Why pay more attention to what others think about you if it limits and discourages you from achieving positive things in your life and from loving yourself?
Remember a situation in your life when you felt rejected (by your partner, parents, a friend, at work, etc.). What have you learnt from that experience?
Authentic listening
Question/comment from a seeker:
I have to relate to people who are very different to me. There is no chemistry, we do not understand each other … What can I do to better connect with them?
Response from Marcus Aurelius (VI–LIII):
Practice listening very carefully to what others are saying and try to see things from the speaker’s perspective.
Psychological reflection
Imagine someone who, at the end of summer, asks his or her co-worker how their holidays went. But before hearing the answer, they begin to recount their own vacation. That co-worker will discover with disappointment that the question was just a way for the person to discuss their own holiday under the false disguise of wanting to listen. What that person really wanted was for someone to attend to them.
Authentic listening requires attention, concentration, genuine interest and empathy. When you listen to someone, are you aware of the objective of the other person’s communication? Maybe that person just wants to express their emotions, get recognition, feel acknowledged or have someone by their side.
We all appreciate people who are genuine and good listeners. Do you remember a conversation you had with someone who really made you feel like they were listening to you? What made you feel this way?
Excerpted with permission from Stay Positive with Marcus Aurelius: 79 Questions and Answers from Stoic Philosophy, Jana Capri and Charan Díaz, Westland.
