Satire Shot

FAQ: A ready reckoner on how to take care of India's traitors

Only because the police and the courts are busy does not mean that traitors should be allowed to go scot-free.

Because the police and the courts are often busy, lynch mobs have become increasingly popular. Traitors cannot be allowed to go scot-free. Here are easy-to-follow instructions and answers to frequently asked questions on how to form a lynch mob.

Do I have to wear orange?
Not necessarily. In 1984, in New Delhi, most people were wearing white. However, times change. Today, orange is the new white, so you should probably wear orange. If the colour does not suit your complexion, at least tie a strip around your head.

Should I rehearse my abuses, or can I go with the flow?
Ideally you should rehearse. Use references. Your model is Sunny Deol abusing Pakistanis in the motion picture Gadar.

How long should the lynching go on for?
There are two major news cycles – morning and evening. If you ensure that your event goes on throughout the day, you can be featured in both. If the police are adequately co-operative, you could start around 11am with some slogan shouting and finish by around 6pm with some minor assault, in which case you will be able to get home in time to see yourself on TV. In order to get best coverage, beat up some media people. Threaten some women if you can, because patriots do this.

Beating up the media sounds wrong. Shouldn’t I be wooing them?
Not the ones who are anti-national Porkistani sluts. Arnab is different. Have a drink with Arnab. Help him jump to a conclusion. The demands of the 24-hour news cycle are intense. Conclusions have to be jumped to. If he shouts while at the restaurant, don’t interrupt. Even if the veins stand out in his forehead, don’t worry. Usually they have a medical team on standby. Tell him lots of people agree with your views. He will help you. He wants lots of people to watch his channel.

What if my blood is not boiling enough?
Think about Arundhati Roy.

Do I need to get my mob members verified by the police?
This is smart thinking on your part. You definitely need to do this. You need to identify your followers to the police and ask them a crucial question. If your followers commit a crime, will they arrest them or not? The police have a list. After consulting this list, they will tell you whether your followers are OK. If so, you can proceed.

Should I be smashing cameras?
Definitely not. This is an elementary mistake that many first time lynchers make. If no one knows about your contribution to the nation, what is the point in contributing? Proper recognition is your due, and can lead to good things in the future. Rather than smashing cameras, you should try to figure out your best angles. Take selfies while pretending to beat someone up. It’s not as easy as you’d think.

Should I have any preference regarding venue?
Somewhere scenic is always nice, because then you and the family can have a little picnic afterwards. If this is not feasible, you should conduct it in a place the Supreme Court has specifically told you not to enter, because nothing is more nationalistic than disobeying the Supreme Court.

What if the Supreme Court gets mad at me?
It would be wrong of me to try to gauge the minds of the honourable justices. You could look at what happened to the last 67 people they were mad at, or expressed unhappiness with. That could provide a clue.

How will I know if I’ve won?
If the only action taken at the end of a fun day full of good activity is that the victim of the lynching is sent into judicial custody, and no one else is arrested, bothered, or disturbed in any way, you can count this as a win.

Is there any preference regarding footwear?
Strong and heavy is good. Or something pointy. Make sure you polish them before you go out. Remember, your footwear will be seen on national TV, next to the faces of traitors. For maximum effect, spend a little money and go for the jackboots, which are also great for marching in. They look sharp, and they’re part of the uniform.

Shovon Chowdhury’s new novel, Murder With Bengali Characters, is set in a Calcutta occupied by China.

Support our journalism by subscribing to Scroll+ here. We welcome your comments at letters@scroll.in.
Sponsored Content BY 

Movies can make you leap beyond what is possible

Movies have the power to inspire us like nothing else.

Why do we love watching movies? The question might be elementary, but one that generates a range of responses. If you had to visualise the world of movies on a spectrum, it would reflect vivid shades of human emotions like inspiration, thrill, fantasy, adventure, love, motivation and empathy - generating a universal appeal bigger than of any other art form.

“I distinctly remember when I first watched Mission Impossible I. The scene where Tom Cruise suspends himself from a ventilator to steal a hard drive is probably the first time I saw special effects, stunts and suspense combined so brilliantly.”  

— Shristi, 30

Beyond the vibe of a movie theatre and the smell of fresh popcorn, there is a deeply personal relationship one creates with films. And with increased access to movies on television channels like &flix, Zee Entertainment’s brand-new English movie channel, we can experience the magic of movies easily, in the comforts of our home.

The channel’s tagline ‘Leap Forth’ is a nod to the exciting and inspiring role that English cinema plays in our lives. Comparable to the pizazz of the movie premieres, the channel launched its logo and tagline through a big reveal on a billboard with Spider-Man in Mumbai, activated by 10,000 tweets from English movies buffs. Their impressive line-up of movies was also shown as part of the launch, enticing fans with new releases such as Spider-Man: Homecoming, Baby Driver, Blade Runner 2049, The Dark Tower, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Life.

“Edgar Wright is my favourite writer and director. I got interested in film-making because of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the dead. I love his unique style of storytelling, especially in his latest movie Baby Driver.”

— Siddhant, 26

Indeed, movies can inspire us to ‘leap forth’ in our lives. They give us an out-of-this-world experience by showing us fantasy worlds full of magic and wonder, while being relatable through stories of love, kindness and courage. These movies help us escape the sameness of our everyday lives; expanding our imagination and inspiring us in different ways. The movie world is a window to a universe that is full of people’s imaginations and dreams. It’s vast, vivid and populated with space creatures, superheroes, dragons, mutants and artificial intelligence – making us root for the impossible. Speaking of which, the American science fiction blockbuster, Ghost in the Shell will be premiering on the 24th of June at 1:00 P.M. and 9:00 P.M, only on &flix.

“I relate a lot to Peter Parker. I identified with his shy, dorky nature as well as his loyalty towards his friends. With great power, comes great responsibility is a killer line, one that I would remember for life. Of all the superheroes, I will always root for Spiderman”

— Apoorv, 21

There are a whole lot of movies between the ones that leave a lasting impression and ones that take us through an exhilarating two-hour-long ride. This wide range of movies is available on &flix. The channel’s extensive movie library includes over 450 great titles bringing one hit movie premiere every week. To get a taste of the exciting movies available on &flix, watch the video below:

Play

This article was produced by the Scroll marketing team on behalf of &flix and not by the Scroll editorial team.